Rather gutted that ex H seems to have fallen on his feet whereas I am still struggling (LONG RANT)

[citylover]

Maybe I should have put this in AIBU to be ..

Split in 2006 and divorced early 2007. Ex h met new partner early 2007 and is moving in to her very large house early next year. Am fine in fact pleased with the fact he has a new partner as I am over him (in fact am now love with someone else but that has all gone tits up !!)but I am still resentful about things ex did in our marriage.

Many many problems during our marriage but the final nail in the coffin was when he stopped paying the mortgage and refused to do anything about it - just buried his head in the sand so I put the house up for sale rather than be repossessed (sp!).

Some equity but not enough to buy another property as house prices here have rocketed. So I am living in a small but exorbitantly priced house with my 2 DSs. Think I will always be in private rented as my credit history bad now because of mortgage etc! An don't qualify with any help with rent etc. as I work full time.

EX H left with 15 boxes (I had about 80 LOL) and has subsequently lived in minimalist style bachelor type pads and I had to take the rest of the stuff from our house and over the last eighteen months have tried to declutter when I get time (not much spare time) as each new house we go to is smaller. When we moved out of MH to first property and then to this property I had no help at all save the removal guys. Felt quite sorry for myself really!!

I am very gutted that he seems to now have found security having pissed all over ours although he himself has said he feels uncomfortable about bringing nothing to the table of his new p.

And I suppose there is a slight worry lurking that DCs will in time prefer the larger house and easier lifestyle. They are gradually being introduced to her with my full approval as I can see that he needs help to look after them he doesn't like to have them together and constantly complains to me (as if it were solely my fault) about their fighting.

Ex likes to give the outward projection of being the dutiful father, charming guy etc etc puts a gloss on everything when really he is like a Jekyll and Hyde - when behind the scenes depressive, angry guy who will quibble with me over the last penny. And who likes to undermine me and my parenting/ 'housewifey' type duties at every chance he gets. eg he lowered himself to travel in my car at the weekend (we went somewhere with the kids) and first moaned about it's size (it's a 5 door hatchback) and then about some mud (we go to football) in the inside. (he has OCD ish tendencies towards dirt and mess) He also constantly insinuates that the DCs are dirty and don't have enough baths etc But they do!! Also has a thing about mismatched clothes. Gets embarassed by trackpants!

the sad thing was I went and got the car valeted the next day!!
I suppose I need to get over myself really. I think I do need to get over what happened during our marriage but unfortunately i still have to deal with him and his warped views on a regular basis. Perhaps I still need to release myself from his controlling tendencies. Don't just take all this from him but that is clearly not enough

Sorry for the rant.

[mynameis]

Hi citylover

I would be totally fed up with this situation too. My ex-h although not living in a large house seems to have loads of money to be out drinking everynight & buying our dc's lots of presents whilst myself and my dp struggle on a daily basis.
I guess its just a sad fact of a lot of divorces that often the man can move onto to bigger and better things because he doesn't have the day to day care of the children to fork out for!

Your description of your Ex sounds an awful lot like mine with his Jekyll and Hyde nature. Tbh I pity his new partner having to put up with it. Just keep a big grin on your face that you don't have to anymore

[crokky]

mynameis is absolutely right - he will still be an angry controlling guy who makes his DW/DP feel like crap so his new partner will have to put up with this. You don't, so this part of the divorce, at least is excellent.

[Dixichik]

Don't worry about your children preferring the larger house, kids aren't that shallow. They get their day to day emotional support and love from you, and that's what will be important to them when they are older. That's what they will remember and love you for, not the fact that their Dad lived with a woman with a big house. Just be glad he's contolling someone else and not you! You are your own boss now!

[MascaraOHara]

Hi you, everything always seems much worse when something else goes wrong.

When your DC are older they will know exactly what you did for them so don't you worry about that!

It doesn't matter about the size of your home - it's the happiness inside it. If your ex's new partner is happy being the sole provider and doing everything for your ex then on her head be it. You can hold you head high and know that you provided everything your DC needed both materially and emotionally.

We are here if you need support, I know it's virtual but hey - we've all broad shoulders

[crokky]

Oh and re the house size, my parents are divorced - when we all visit the area my parents live in, we all stay with my mum, even though this means some of us sleep on the floor. My dad has a massive house. Big deal, he's still not the one who loved and helped us.

[citylover]

Thanks all for your support. I really do appreciate it.

He is also very pleased that the DCs will benefit from private health insurance once they move in together.

Yes I am so relieved we are no longer together - it was 15 very long years!! And was doing very well initially - I was euphoric in some ways after the split.

And I accept that we were not very compatible. I And that I could also be PITA. But with me I hope its more a case of what you see is what you get! Lol

But he did wear me down totally and used to say that we couldn't separate when I asked him to leave. His reason - because he would be worse off!!

Ah well am on a work trip this weekend so may give me more chance to get some perspective on things.

Thanks again

[alittleone2]

Message withdrawn

[citylover]

Thanks for this. Some good practical suggestions.

I have checked that website but its really marginal. I have a relatively high income but also high outgoings. And have heard some horror stories about TC. I think I'd rather not go there! Of course if it was more then I would take the risk.

I did some ebaying last year and also belong to the local freecycle group which is good for getting rid of unwanted stuff. I think my problem is one of motivation in such areas rather than knowing what to do. I was quite keen at first and have reduced lots of clutter. But there was loads!

My credit rating is not good and I am on a DMP with CCCS so don't think I should apply for a credit card atm.

TBH I think this phase was bound to come as I said I sailed through the separation and divorce (although lots of angst and pain during the last few years of the marriage) and then when I unexpectedly got into this new relationship in July I thought maybe my luck was changing. Felt completely alive and certain that this guy was good for me (he is an old bf).

However that has ended largely due to circumstances rather than us not liking each other so I am optimistic that it might be rekindled at some later date.

I think I am just overwhelmed with everything. But fundamentally I am OK.

Thx