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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

1 2 3

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

why are you a lone parent?

63 replies

nightowl · 10/11/2007 18:19

sore subject with many i know.

i am because my ex was a mentally abusive idiot and i eventually ended our relationship mostly because i didnt want my ds to grow up in that environment.

anyone else?

OP posts:

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yama · 10/11/2007 18:21

I was a lone parent for the year after dd was born year. Dd's biological father was no longer eligible to remain in the country.

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tortoise · 10/11/2007 18:22

My 1st xp, it just wasn't working.

My 2nd xp was hitting my ds1 and emotionally abusive towards me. I had to get court to remove him.
I also had my ds's taken away by ss to live with their Dad. Took nearly 2 years to get them back through court. Basically having to prove i would never get back with xp!

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mamazon · 10/11/2007 18:24

i suffered horrific abuse. i was slapped, punched kicked, had knives held to my throat, i was raped, and had to listen to the usual verbal abuse.

these things happened daily. yes he really did hit me each and every day, often more than once.

most of these incidents happened in front of our son. any attempt i made to shield him by moving him into a different room caused a more violant outburst, or for him to puick him up and hold him whilst booting hell out of me.

i fell pregnant, he punched me in the stomach and caused a miscarriage.

I finally left when my DD was 10 weeks old.

Whilst with him i was a Social worker.

I am now a "single mother living teh life of riley sponging on benefits"

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RnB · 10/11/2007 18:27

Message withdrawn

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yama · 10/11/2007 18:27

Wow tortoise - well done.

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tortoise · 10/11/2007 18:29

Mamazon thats awful. Glad you managed to get away.

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yama · 10/11/2007 18:29

I think this is going to be a thread where we all realise, once again, just how strong women can/have to be.

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mamazon · 10/11/2007 18:30

thank you.

this is why i stepped away from that abhorant thread of yesterday.

the woman infuriates me. i did a search on her name and almost each post was venom.

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tortoise · 10/11/2007 18:33

I had to step away yesterday too!
I think my xp raped me too or at least tried too! Not actually admitted that before.

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yama · 10/11/2007 18:33

Yeah mamazon, I saw that thread. I didn't take any notice.

When I returned to work everyone was great. I had spent my pregnancy on my own and returned to work on my own. I am a teacher and not one colleague, pupil or parent batted an eyelid. And nor should they have.

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Janos · 10/11/2007 18:44

Similar, nightowl, I woudn't say my XP was outright abusive, but he was very controlling, not a healthy relationship.

Nothing however like some of the shocking abuse others on this thread have experienced.

My life is a lot harder but I'm so much happier without him...even when I'm having a bad day I know that.

Oh, and I;m refraining from posting on that thread because it makes me

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allgonebellyup · 10/11/2007 18:45

God i feel embarrassed to say on here why i am a single parent when some of you have been through such horrid stuff.

1st ex dp - just wasnt working - we grew apart

2nd ex dp (well, dh)- i think i got bored and thought the grass was greener, lots of silly bickering about rubbish. i stupidly told him to leave.

just a question - why do so many of you stay after the first time you have been hit? i would be out of there like a shot.

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mamazon · 10/11/2007 18:50

just a question - why do so many of you stay after the first time you have been hit? i would be out of there like a shot.

that is a very naive thing to say, although i understand you meant no offence by it.

no you woudlnt. because teh first time is never a punch, or a slap. its normally a push during a row.
you dont realise that what haas happened can even be thought of as Dv.

or he has spent so long dragging your self confidence through teh ground you feel you have deserved whathappened to you.

by the time it escelates you are so deep in a pit that you just dont feel you can leave.

Until you have been in that position you have no idea how you will react

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tortoise · 10/11/2007 18:52

allgonebellyup- Abusive men are clever. They manipulate, mentally abuse. Make you think its your fault. My xp told me if i made him leave he would take our 2 DD's with him. I believed him stupidly.
I regret not doing more to stop him hurting my DS. Hate myself for it. Luckily DS1 is ok and was never badly hurt. I did step in if he got very violent. It was more emotional than anything.

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Janos · 10/11/2007 19:06

"Abusive men are clever. They manipulate, mentally abuse"

I can second this. My XP never hit me but he is VERY intelligent and knew just how to wear me down, where my weak spots were.

An example, when I was suicidally depressed with PND (yes it was that bad, sadly) he told me "I don't think you want to get better".

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nightowl · 10/11/2007 19:19

any more?

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Mummy2TandF · 10/11/2007 19:27

I am a lone parent because my dh tragically passed away in August.... it is so hard and I admire all of you who have had the courage to leave your abusive relationships - you are such brave, strong people and deserve a medal for having the strength to decide to go it alone, it is such hard work isn't it.... I really hope I haven't killed this thread now, I am having that effect lately

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colditz · 10/11/2007 19:27

Women who get hit stay because usually they don't feel they have any other choice.

If they leave, their partners will apply for access to the kids (out of spite usually) and probably they will get it ... and nobody would want their kids alone with an abusive man who hates the mother!

Easier to stay, where he never bothers with the kids, and you can (or think you can) shield them from the worst of his behavior, as opposed to when you split, and you aren't there to protect them.

That's one of the reasons abused women stay.

Another is that many many women would rather put up with the occasional slap that uproot their entire family, leave the majority of their possessions behind, go and live in a grotty hostel and expose their children to a way of life they have never had to live before, to be bounced to a council estate to face the stigma of Singlemumonbenefits. Mucheasier to be NiceSAHMwithoccasionalslap.

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tortoise · 10/11/2007 19:30

Mummy2TandF So sorry for your loss.
It is hard as a single parent but rewarding too.

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Janos · 10/11/2007 19:35

That must be very hard to deal with Mummy2TandF. It is incredibly hard work being a single parent no matter what the circumstances... I can't begin to imagine what it must be like when you are grieving as well.

BTW nightowl
I read your post on the 'other' thread (you know which one I mean!). Your circumstances sound very similar to mine...perhaps we are the same person

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Bectheneck · 10/11/2007 19:40

I feel fortunate never to have been in a violent relationship and I so admire those of you who have managed to escape and start again.

My ex-H left in 1995 when the my 2 DDs were almost 4 and 2. He wanted his freedom and went to work abroad. He was supposed to just go for a year but he never came back to us. He was abroad for 10 years and then came back to UK with a wife, her daughter and expecting their first child. Not bad for someone who never wanted children.He sees DDs about once a month but isn't really involved in their upbringing at all.

I've had a couple of relationships since he left but they haven't worked out and my last relationship ended when I found out I was pregnant last year. He chose not be involved.

I don't want to be in a relationship again although I still don't feel like a 'proper' family. I don't want a partner but I sometimes I wish I was settled and secure. I can't seem to find that security for myself but at least I've given up trying to find it in a partner.

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skeletonbones · 10/11/2007 19:43

I'm a single parent because my ex was domestically abusive and I lived in fear of him.He also had an affair(with a 16 year old), and was a completely usless lazy oaf. He threatened all sorts each time I tried to leave but I decided to stay strong the last time and managed to get rid of him for good! best thing I ever did, I dreaded the stigma of being a single mum for ages and it was one of the things that kept me from leaving. I couldn't give a toss what small minded nitwits think now and I'm VERY proud of myself and my wonderful (small) family unit of 3

Mummy2T anf F I'm sorry for your loss too, I always think it must be so much harder to be a lone parent due to the loss of a wonderful supportive partner than due to the breakdown of a relationship with a bad or abusive partner.

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allgonebellyup · 10/11/2007 19:45

sorry i didnt mean to cause offence.

but i left 2 relationships, uprooted my kids halfway across the country, applied for benefits, started all over again on my own.It was hard but it had to be done.

When i say my first dp and i split as we drifted apart, a lot of that was emotional abuse from him; putting me down all the time, following me round the house demanding to know where i'd been, making little comments about my weight/spots/ugliness, laughing at me.

i realised that it wasnt a great way to live so i left with dd and moved 280 miles away. My confidence was at rock bottom but i knew i had to go.

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nightowl · 10/11/2007 19:58

lol which post janos? i do tend to bite at those kind of threads grrrr

(was it my life story again? )

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pirategirl · 10/11/2007 20:05

my dh left us when dd was nearly 3. He seemed to get more unhappy and childish and depressed, the older she grew.

He walked out with no warning, and never came home. He didn't want to talk it over or try.Just cut me out.

Six weeks later he met someone with 2 children, and moved in with her shortly after that.

I don't think i will ever undrestand how it happened, or wil ever understand the shit way he treats us now.