maintenance 11 years after divorce/separation (sorry, bit long and waffly)

[SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn]

Bit of background

I divorced my xh 11 years ago and in all that time he has never seen the children (now aged 15 and 16) or even sent them birthday or xmas cards. Three years ago my daughter got hold of his phone number and rang him, he was nice to her on the phone and said he would call her the following day to arrange to see her and her brother, the phone call never happened and in fact he changed his phone number. My daughter was so distressed by this she went on a path of self harm and serious suicide attempts and has been in hospital for over a year.

He turned up a few months ago and has been seeing them on some weekends, taking them out and then giving them some pocket money (£10 usually) but at first he was giving them £50.

So yesterday he calls me cos he's going to see daughter in hospital and son is going to meet him there, then they all go out for lunch together and spend a bit of time getting to know one another. In this conversation he says he won't be giving them pocket money because he can't afford it and did I think they'd be upset? I pointed out that for the last 11 years he's been spending all his cash on someone else's kids and he owes it to our children to be a bit generous, especially as it's hurtful for them to think he's prioritising his stepchildren. He then wouldn't discuss further with me (I think his wife and her kids were in the vicinity) but he did take them out and he did give them £10 each at the end of it.

Now, I'm wondering, as he never paid a penny in maintenance over the years, and now owns a 4 bed house in the 'burbs, has a reasonably good job etc etc, where I would stand legally in trying to recoup some of the unpaid maintenance and also to make sure my children are financially looked after? Do their ages have any bearing on any kind of legal entitlement?

I'm angry because he begrudges them £10 each a week while he's buying his stepson a motorbike and paying all the expenses associated with that and all these years he never gave a shit about whether his own children had what they needed or whether they were happy or anything.

[ThreeGs]

Have you been on the CSA site? Are you prepared to go to court? Won't he simply disappear out of your children's life again, if you ask for money?

Don't get me wrong, I think a decent person supports their children emotionally and FINANCIALLY, but it doesn't sound like their father would agree.

Given their ages and your DD's vulnerable condition, consult your DC and the professionals involved with DD's treatment. You're in the right but it may be a case of having to let the money go, because there are more important things at play here and you will have to be the bigger person.

[SuGaRCoAteDPoiSOn]

Thanks threeGs

That's pretty much what I've been doing and thinking til now but I keep thinking back on all the times I went without meals to feed and clothe the children and pay the debts that he took out in my name after forging my signature and I just get really

[ib]

OK, just wanted to give you a completely different perspective. Feel free to ignore me if you don't feel it's useful.

My dad left when I was 1. Although he did see us once a week for a few hours (usually plonked in front of TV) he never gave mum a penny and he took care of his stepchildren rather than us.

When we were teenagers we used to go out for dinner once a week and get a bit of pocket money, again slightly erratically.

When I was 16 he had a heart attack and got a divorce so I decided to go live with him as I wanted to get to know him. He promptly shacked up with yet another girlfriend and left me living alone in his apartment.

And you know what? I loved him completely, and although I knew that he basically didn't give a shit I came to terms with that and decided that instead of asking him to be a good dad (which he would never be) I would just take what he could give and leave it at that.

And with the pressure off he seemed to relax and in the end had much more of a relationship with me than with any of his kids or step kids. He even wrote me a couple of letters when I moved abroad, which may sound silly but was a huge deal.

Anyway, what I meant to say was that in all this, through all his unreasonable behaviour, my mum never interfered nor would she say a single ill thing about him (not that she said good things either, but she did't sit there slagging him off) so I didn't feel I had to manage her and could instead spend the time sorting my own relationship with him out in my own time and on my own terms. I will be eternally grateful to her for that.

This probably makes it all sound much less traumatic than it was, it was grim at times and I was very self-destructive, but I managed to work through it and haven't carried the issues into adulthood.

My goodness, I appear to have written an autobiography.

[ThreeGs]

Yep, know the feeling of being the responsible one but come and be smug with me - we are the better people .

OK, getting serious, I know it hurts having to go without and having to say "no" because your ex- is a jerk about money but from what you've written there are now far more serious issues here, too. Only you can weigh up whether it is really worth rattling your ex's cage/world over the money. FGS, what sort of person doesn't contribute to their children? (Yes, that was a rhetorical question and the answer makes me and ).

I don't have any answers but am very happy to vent with you.

[Tinkerbel5]

SCP if you need the money then apply to the csa as you can get 20% of his wages, but the fact that he has other children will come into the equasion, as long as the children are in full time education you are entitled, although the money wont compensate for the lack of love he has shown them, it will be useful in treating them and even helping them throgh UNI, he has a duty to pay for his children.