Just need to let it all out sorry if its depressing :(

[TheWiltedRose]

I have 2 ds ages 1 and nearly 3 and they have different dads. They had different dads and neither have seeh them since they were 3 months old so i have been a lone parent on and off for 3 years.

I was a young mum, became pregnant at 16 had eldest at 17 and so wasnt to surprised when the relationship failed and partner cheaated on me and had a daughter a couple of months after son was born.

Was homelesss for a while then moved back with my mum until my ds1 was 6 months old when i met the father of ds2 who i moved in with we split up when i was 6 months pregnant and then i was evicted because i couldnt pay the rent fortunately i managed to get a council place six weeks before ds2 was born.

In december i met my xp and he moved in with me up until about weeks ago when he decided that it was all to much to deal with and he wanted to be free free and single so i have ended up on my own again with 2 nd a half grand debt, 2 kids and a shattered self confidence.

I must have a sign stuck to me saying "take advantage" as this is the 3rd failed relationship i have had in the past 3 years and i just dont know what to do now, im still so upset over my recent split and just cant see myself picking everything up all over again its to much...

Does it ever get better?

[TheWiltedRose]

Sorry about the mistypes and disjointed sentances i cant seem to concentrate on anything lately

[TheWiltedRose]

is anyone out there?

[cerys]

bumping this for you - my kids are just in from school so can't write more. Will have a look later and see if anyone else has been able to advise you.

[TheWiltedRose]

Thank you

[Dior]

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[TheWiltedRose]

but what if i just dont feel like i can go through this again? If i have to go through this everytime someone is not right then when it is the right person what if i cant being myself to trust them?

[Pinkchampagne]

Sorry you have had such a tough time of it.

Like Dior says, you are still young, and you have lots of time to find the right person. Most of us meet lots of wrongs before hand, so it is not just you.
You don't need to rush into anything.

Take care.

[Dior]

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[Dior]

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[TheWiltedRose]

I really do hope so i no its so much harder to find someone thats man enough to take on 2 kids but i really though i had him with my x and then out of nowhere he says he cant handle it and that he wanted a gf not a mum so what do i do next time? do i take it slowly and hope that he grows fond enough to take it further or do i just make it clear upfront that its me aand the boys not just a gf/bf relationship?

[Dior]

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[Pinkchampagne]

Make it clear from the start that you have children, but I personally would try to hold off introducing him to the children too soon.

Try to take things slowly at first.

[Pinkchampagne]

Lol @ dior!

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think you need to shift your expectations of relationships. Of COURSE you want someone to be committed to you and that's something most of us want, however in view of your situation maybe just for now you could view any partner as purely a bit of light relief. Keep it to dates only (even if you can't go out, make it a 'date' as in invite them round when kids are in bed and you've had a chance to draw breath) make yourself a rule that NO-ONE is going to move in with you for, say, two years, no matter how perfect they are. Make any relationship not 'part' of your day to day life but something just for fun, seperate from everyday life and the kids.

I think if you do this it might give you the time and space to really get to know and trust someone before you allow yourself to go headfirst into a relationship which sort of devastates your life if it ends...if they're not part of the 'family' it's perhaps not so devastating on your whole life if you split?

[TheWiltedRose]

my boobs havnt pointed upwards since i was 10 lol im a size 38e so gravity hasnt been a kind mistress to me

[TheWiltedRose]

yeah i think that is my biggest problem, moving to fast all the time and overwhelming them but i guess i just get so lonely at home all the time that having someone here all the time is a relief and stops me driving myself up the wall...

[Dior]

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[TheWiltedRose]

I used to live in pubs so ive never been on my own at any time during the day i cant bare silence. How do i learn to take things slowly ive always been imaptiant!

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think then that you need to find another focus other than a relationship, to help you with your (totally understandable!) need to have something or someone who stops you going up the wall!

If you can it will take the pressure of any new relationship - you won't be looking for a relationship to provide for all your needs IYSWIM.

Could be whatever you think will help; maybe locally you could get some more support than you are? Sure start might provide some help to a young single parent? Or maybe some funding for you to get some time when the kids are in Nursery and you either get a break or get the chance to do some work, paid or voluntary.....I think getting some more support and getting a focus that's out of the house, might be really nice?

[TheWiltedRose]

The kids arnt in nursery unfortunately i left it to late so ds doesnt start til next september and ds2 not for at least another year i cant afford any form of childcare atm due to xp leaving me in a lot of debt so i cant really do anything else with my time as i would actually be on less money right now if i was working and i have no family near me to help me out apart from my brother who stays at mine a lot and babysitts for me in retern for somewhere to sleep and food and computer and tv and stuff...

[saythatagain]

It's sooooo true what Dior has just said. Please like yourself and your own company (I know thats easier said than done with two young children). I absolutely promise you (I'm approaching 40 very, very soon) that, with age, comes wisdom about all sorts of things....particularly relationships and their worth to you. You sound a very able person; don't rely on a man.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling going nowhere stuff but I believe you have to like yourself to feel happy and not couont on another person.

[Pinkchampagne]

Totally agree with HG.

I am quite new to this single parent thing (been living alone for 4 months now, following 8 years of marriage)and have recently started dating...but that is all it is atm, it is just dating.

I meet him on average once a week, when the boys are with their dad, and we go out & spend time just getting to know each other.
He knows I have children, and has done from the start, but neither of us feel it is right for him to be introduced to my boys at this point in time.
apart from anything else, it could unsettle the children.

If you can't get out, invite him round when they are asleep (I have done this once), but try to hold off the whole family thing for a while.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know it can get lonely on your own, but find other things to fill your time. Invite friends round, listen to some uplifting music, come on MN!

Don't feel you have to rush straight into a relationship.

[hellish]

WiltedRose, sorry to hear about your breakup, it's a hard time for anyone and having such young children must be very hard going for you.

From your posts you sound like a funny, intelligent person. You are very young and have all the time in the world to make a successful relationship.

In some ways (and please dont' jump on me single parents) IME this very young baby and toddler stage can be easier if there's just you and the children to focus on.

If I would you (and I had the benefit of hingsight, ) I would try to find some education that will help you to support your dcs and give you choices for your future. I think you may be able to get nursery places / funding as a young single mom.

In 3/4 years your little ones will both be at school, you could have a fab job, be confident in yourself as a person and a mum - the perfect situation to meet someone special.

[TheWiltedRose]

i suppose next time i could try and not bring them home unless boys are asleep but thats very hard to do when u dont have a few babysitters on hand or family members not to mention some money!

But how long can u really go in a relationship trying to dodge the children for fear of scaring them?

Tbh i dont even no why im asking as im still really broke up about my x and cant see myself wanting to have a relationship for quite some time

Ashamed to admit i did have a one night stand on sunday though which made me feel a lot better about myself as i didnt think that anyone else wouldnt find me attractive after my x's comments