Other Woman

[almostmidnight]

I have been single for about eight weeks now and have two dd's age 1 and 2. I have been logging on mumsnet for the last few weeks and have to say all the comments are really helpful and moral boosting.

However, I just wondered from other mums (or single dads) out there whose partners left them for another how you felt about that "other woman" (as is my case) seeing your children or how long you waited to let them.

I have told husband I don't want her to have anything to do with mine for a year at least and if the relationship lasts that long I will consider it then. Am I being unreasonable. She is 14 years younger than me and ex and I just don't feel I can cope with the thought of her being "motherly" to my girls. Also hate the thought of them going out together and people thinking they are a "family" and she is their "mother" when she isn't. Why should I!!! Also can I have this drawn up into the Separation Agreement?

Any thoughts either way would be helpful

[jellyjelly]

i LOST MY ex to another woman two weeks before our wedding. I absoutely hated her for what she done especially as she had been invited to the wedding.I think this is one of the thiings that bothers me the most.

Its been a yr now first of all i didnt want her to see my son but realised that x had to make decisions for himself and that included her. I told him that i didnt want ds to meet her for a while a couple of months at least to see if it would last going from other woman to girlfriend. I also gave him tips to help my son be introduced to her. I knew that they want to give things ago. I gave them my blessing as i wanted him to be happy.

She hates me more than i hate her. In fact i quite pity her most days as she has to put up with his lies and bullshit.

I really didnt like the thought of her hugging ds but its nice that she can if he hurts himself and has done plasters etc and its been ok, i am glad that she done it rather than letting him suffer.

How old is she? I do think that a year is quite a long time and i dont think it can be drawn up and personally you might not like it but i think it would be petty if you went down this route as i really dont think that would have or would help a relationship to be amicable which is what is needed.

[jellyjelly]

My ds was 3 when it happened so i guess there is less hand holding etc than for a smaller child.

[Baffy]

When my parents split they agreed that I would not meet the ow for 12 months, which would give my dad time to see if the relationship was going to last and give me time to adjust to them being apart before being faced with meeting his girlfriend.

They agreed it between them and I admire the strength of my mum when she finally let me meet this woman (who has now been my step mum for the past 20 years!!)


My situation at the moment (H has left and is seeing a 19 year old) is very difficult. This girl is unstable, has had major outbursts including smashing H's car windscreen.... so I have said that she cannot spend time with ds at all for the moment.

When H started his affair he used to take ds out with this OW behind my back ds even had a fit one day and it was H and ow who went in the ambulance with him She made sure she left the hospital before I arrived!!

I am trying to keep things amicable with H, and if he does really settle down long term with this girl then I will obviously reconsider. But seeing as it's such early days and given her track record, I feel I am well within my rights to say H can see ds whenever he wants, but she can't.
The minute he breaks my trust again regarding ds, I will seek legal advice.
But if we can keep it amicable I think it's best for everyone.


Best of luck. Horrible situation

[allgonebellyup]

my ds has to see my ex-dh's new woman every weekend, i dont want to stop him seeing him dad as they are so close.
i have never set eyes on this woman and my dh has only been seeing her for 2months, but they are "certain" it will last..

they all go out for the day together like a family while i sit here alone.. it aint fun, i can tell you.

[macdoodle]

New woman vs OW different methinks as lots of bitterness and anger to OW...
With me similar situation to Baffy as OW is totally demented immature and utterly self centred - she has told lies to me an about me and showed NO concern at all for my DD in this whole mess - she has now had my H child and he is muttering about DD meeting the baby - I have already told him that DD is to have nothing to do with OW at all as I don't trust her anywhere near my DD and wouldn't be surprised if she used her to get her own way so on that basis NO way certainly not in forseeable future...baby is harder as is DD half sib but still feel uncomfortable and really can't see point as baby is few weeks old and would be with its mother (OW) so for now NO contact.....who knows what future holds - he says he is not with OW at all.....but TBH have heard it before and don't trust either of them at all .....don't think a year is all that long it goes pretty quickly

[almostmidnight]

The other woman is only 22 years old. My husband and I had been married since we were 21 so I realise she is probably still quite immature as I look back now and realise I probably was at that age even if married. My health visitor even thinks I am being sensible about waiting a year for the other woman to meet them.

I suppose like macdoodle the other thing I hate the thought of is there being other siblings to any other woman. My husband gave me the ultimatum to have children before he was 35. I had an unhappy childhood and suppose I was scared of bonding with my children but I can honestly say I have adored them since the moment I looked into their eyes. He was going to have the snip but now likes to rub it in my face that why should he deny a 22 year old a baby in the future

[mojosmum]

Right i may get slated for this but hopefully i wont just thought id add another perspective but if im not welcome i understand

i was the ow to dds dad i didnt know he was married until i told him i was pregnant & i instantley called it off but allowed him to be apart of the babys life ie scans midwife appointments but not birth i suffered pre natal depressive & what made it worse was he didnt tell his wife til dd was 9mnth old & she wanted him togo for custody she hated me instantley even though i feel i did the right thing
dds dad didnt go for custody & said he never would but he does have her every weekend & i hate the fact that his wife plays happy familys with my dd. how thats not cos i want him or would of stayed with him if he had split with him wife he had cheated on me in my eyes & i wont have that
anyway this women hates me & it upsets me that she plays happy familys with dd but dd has to have a relationship with her dad nomatter what he has done

[Baffy]

almostmidnight he sounds like a nasty piece of work 'rubbing it in' that he won't deny her a baby... ffs!

After what he's done I would hope the least he could do now is be dignified in dealing with the split and agreeing on future arrangements with the dds. I truly hope you can both come to an amicable agreement. But for the moment I don't think you're being unreasonable in not wanting the other woman to have contact with dds.

Like mojosmum said, the children do need a relationship with their father, no matter what he's done. That's the thing you have to try and remember. And that's the part of it that takes every ounce of strength we have. But our children will thank us for it in the long run.



(mojosmum sounds like an awul situation in reverse for you you didn't know he was married until you were pregnant, you instantly called it off, but you allow him and his wife to see your child. I think you are a very strong woman.)

[almostmidnight]

I am welcoming all points of view, thank you. Unfortunately this other woman knew my husband was married and also knew he had two very young children. Apparently she told him he should stay for the children's sake. However, my dh also tried to tell me later she knew nothing about me or the kids so which story do I believe.

Personally, I don't think I could handle having anything to do with his future children but I don't think it will come down to that anyway.

[almostmidnight]

I do want him to have contact with his children as I am quite looking forward to having some time on my own. I've only had one weekend away from my daughters in almost three years. I just don't want her to come along and think she can take my children from me in some way

[Baffy]

I know what you mean. It's so hard isn't it

Remember though, you will always be their mummy and she can never ever replace you in any way. You will be the strong, dignified mum that teaches your dd's good morals and, how to treat other people how they wish to be treated themselves.

[mojosmum]

BAFFY - im not strong at all ive almost lost it at times but i have to keep going for my dd

[mojosmum]

this has damaged me so much i dont thing i could trust another man even though im like to be in a happy relationship & this was 7yrs ago i hate the fact that he has not lost or been hurt in anyway by this but i have to suffer everyday why ?

[madamez]

AM You're the DCs mum and nothing can change that. I appreciate that it's very hard to be in this situation, but it will get easier over time. Have you met the OW yourself? Do you know much about her? Because if she's volatile/nasty/on drugs or something then you would be justified in keeping her well away from your DCs: if she's a good person in every resepct apart from the fact that she's your XPs new partner, then you may have to accept her having some contact with the children - though it would be better if, at first, your XP could have the sensitivity to see his children without his new girlfriend in tow, obviously.

THe more civil you can be, though ,the better in the long run. However much it hurts, take pride in being the strong, generous, mature one throughout. Best of luck.

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Hello. For what i's worth, I have a perspective from both sides.

My xp left us 3 years ago. He met someone else immediately (didn't leave me for her as such, so slightly different situation, but he met this woman 2 days after we finally decided to call it a day - we were still living together, but he virtually moved in with her the night he met her). He introduced her to DD behind my back (she was 2 at the time) & I was furious. Like you, the thought of her cuddling her, tending to a grazed knee or - horrible thought - bathing her or her getting into bed with them - was repugnant and so upsetting.

However, 3 years down the line, xp is married to this woman, and they have a child of their own - ie, a sister for DD. She goes to stay with them reguarly & her step mother is a really important person in her life. BUT, she knows that I am her mum, and step mother is her step mother.

She is really good with DD, and very respectful of my rules, boundaries and the way in which I bring her up. So basically, everyones relatively happy now. Boring cliche, but time is a great healer. I know it's not something you want to think about at the moment, but I think forgiveness is crucial in developing a healthy situation for your DCs in the future.

My other perspective is that I have just met a man who's going through a divorce & has a DS. We are going for our first sort-of-date on Friday with our respective DCs. Now, I expect the DS's mother would be as horrified as I was. But I guess from his point of view, he comes as a package with his son, as do I with DD, so we may as well know where we all stand & see whether we all like each other from the start. My own experience makes me determined to be as sensitive as possible, to respect his space and the sanctity of his relationships with his parents. I have no idea how it's going to work out, but I want to do as I would have liked DD to be done by IYSWIM.

I hope it works out for you almostmidnight (and everyone else). Good luck

[almostmidnight]

Husband came round tonight to see dd's but spent most of it following me into kitchen trying to talk. He brought up money and bills as usual and then had the cheek to say I was the one who brought it up. Anyway, he had a wake up call at bedtime as my eldest dd wanted nothing to do with him or for him to read her bedtime story. I think he was quite upset at this but I suppose he should see it as a sign of the difficulties he will have to go through. I do feel for him though as I could not stand it if she did that to me.

It makes me more adament that if I go away next weekend, (as I am planning, even if it is only to the mother-in-laws) that he should come here to stay with the children rather than them go to his new flat.

Thanks for everyone's response by the way. I have had so much good advice from other lone parents over the last few weeks and every little helps at the moment

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

almostmidnight, I would insist that he come & stay at your place if you're going away. Your DCs need as much stability as possible at the moment, & coping with a new environment and a new woman being with Daddy could be too much too soon. They're only little, and while they have great capacity to adapt, it's only fair to make changes gradually. Sorry if that sounds too forthright!

[macdoodle]

Little warning be wary of this "coming to your house to look after kids"...I have regular night out once a wek and H always babysat (his one night in ).....when we split he intially came to babysit as usual for DD sake but then proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine so couldn't drive home....a year later we seem set in a routine with him staying here one night a week ..despite the fact he has DD over at his on other nights - it annoys the shit out of me - he comes in criticises the mess, eats my food drinks my wine and sleeps in my bed - despite many suggestions to now having her at his flat he keeps harping on it is best for her grrrrrr so just be careful!

[almostmidnight]

Thanks macdoodle. My father-in-law actually still lives with us also at present so he would be around too. Just don't like to ask him to change girls, put pyjamas on and put them to bed, although he would in an emergency. Also, my husband apparently blamed me for all his drinking over the last 15 years and claims he does not drink anymore (except on nights out with the lads). As he is in the Armed Forces I knew from the start what kind of drinker he was so told him there was no way on this earth he would ever blame me for his drinking or for his leaving either or anything else for that matter too.