How can I make this easier on dd . Any advice anyone?

[katherinez]

Found out over the week end that dh is having an affair. He left last night. He was planning to leave before then anyway its just I caught him out and now know the real reason behind it all.

Anyway, much to my dismay last week he told my soon to be 5 yr old dd that he was moving to a different house and that she would have 2 beds and 2 sets of toys. (Thought he was jumping the gun a bit tbh we are still waiting for counselling at relate.) I only knew he had said anything to her when she mentioned it to me several days later. I asked her if he had said why he was moving out and she just said he said because hes a grown up and its up to him and he can do what he likes. I was worried she might think that because Im a grown up I might do the same. I have tried to reassure her that we will always live together. I guess I would just like ideas of how I can help her through this time. She is 5 in september. She is very bright and has quite an adult head on her young shoulders. She has always been so close to dh. A real daddys girl. I really worry about how this will affect her.TIA

[calordan]

I am not qualified to give you any advice, I just wanted to say I think you are dealing with this really well and you obviously have your priorities right.

[katherinez]

Can I just use this to say hello too!
I have 2dds 5 and 3. Have been on my own for about ooo half a day! Although really Hs head has been on a different planet for weeks. Anyway, on my own for real now so will be posting for lots of advice in the weeks to come im sure.

[KittenKat]

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your dd.
I dont have any advice I am afraid, you wanted to say that your post is being read, and maybe bump it for someone who may be able to share some experiences/advice with you.

Your DD sounds very wise for a young one!

[katherinez]

Thanks Calordan , and hello!

[katherinez]

Thanks kk. She is very wise for her age. She is very perseptive and has always been like a bit of a barometer for every bodies moods in this house tbh .

It worries me because I know she always picks up so much more than she lets on IKYWIM

[KittenKat]

|Kath - like I said, I have no real advice to offer, however, it does sound like you too are sensible here, that you are even in this difficult time, considering the impact on your family carefully and seeking to minimise the damage that will be caused by your xdp leaving.

This positive attitude, imo, means your family, your dd will cope with this change in her life.

And she can continue to be close to her father, the relationship will change, not end. If she knows this, maybe it will help to alleviate any fears she has, along with the reassurance you are giving her that you are not going anywhere.

[katherinez]

Yeah, I have been thinking about ringing him to arrange a time for him to see dds. Thought maybe if she knew when she was next going to see him it might reassure her a bit. Did not really want to ring him though. Oh I dont know.

[nannynick]

My parents divorced in my early teens. All I wanted to know at the time were the facts, such as where I would be living, where would I go to school, how often would I see dad, that sort of thing.

Has your DD actually said anything about you leaving her? While you may be thinking that she might think that as you are also a grown up that you will leave, that thought may not have crossed her mind. So I would say, don't worry about it. Talk to her regularly regarding the situation, keep her informed about any latest developments - such as you will be going to daddy's new house every Saturday from beginning of August. Stick to clear facts, try not to let emotions get in the way. Ask your DD if she has any questions, and answer them in a very matter of fact way.

Just my thoughts as someone whose parents split while I was a child.

[KittenKat]

I think, if you dont want to talk to him right now, it is not something that you have to do right away. A little bit of space is not going to effect her.

You should contact him when you feel ready and able to. Remember that this is hard on you as well.

[EscapeFrom]

explain the obvious to her.

When my ex left, I explained that because we had been arguing a lot, daddy was going to have his own bed in another house (my ds1 was a bit younger than your daughter)

he took this fine. 3 days later, I told him off for something and my normally stoic little boy had a screaming hysterical fit, shouting that he wanted to keep living here - he thought that because we had argued, he would have to move out like daddy did.

I have since took great pains to explain to him that he and his baby brother don't have to move out until they are big grown up men, not when they are little boys.

[KittenKat]

Speccy - I am not telling Kath to phone him, or not to phone him. It has only been one day. I am just saying that if Kath is not ready to do this today. It will not hurt. It is surely better that one day or so more is left, if Kath feels not ready to make the call, as it would be hard on her DDs if she is too upset by making the call.

Kthy - I am just offering suggestions, of course, you know your daughter best, and if her seeing her father is what is absolutely best and you think you should call him, then of course, you should, but only if you think it is the right course of action.

[katherinez]

Thanks NN. That sounds like very sensible advice. She has been asking lots of questions lately, funny things like will the sky fall in? Will you still love me if Im naughty? Stuff like that. I guess she might be asking them anyway.

I guess it is hard for me to tell her exactly what is going on at the mo because I dont really know myself. H is away with the faires at the mo and I dont know if he even knows what he will be doing tomorrow. I dont think he is in a position to think much about dds at the mo. I could be wrong. I know he thinks the world of them. He just has so much to deal with himself. I just dont know what hes thinking. Its the uncertainty of it all. I guess Like you say I can only tell her the facts and I need to stick with what I know of the situation.

Its just so hard to explain such adult problems to children in a suitable way. I guess it must get easier.

Now hes actually gone i am actually feel very sorry for him. I am suprised at how easily I feel like being even handed about it all. All the time he was here I was worried that I would not be able to say anything even vaguely reasonable. But now hes gone all my focus is on the girls and everything else seems irrelevent at the mo.

Now I know whats going on and he is gone I do feel myself a large sense of relief. I did think I was going mad. DD1 has been wetting the bed for weeks and last night was the first time she'd had a dry bed for over a month. So maybe The fact hes gone will have a positive effect on her for the time being.

[katherinez]

Thanks for your suggestions everyone. I may ring his mum later and see if shes spoken to him. I just dont want to harrass him and make the situation worse IYKWIM.

[katherinez]

EF thats very useful to hear for me. I have been saying that to my dd today actually. Will just keep reassuring her that she will alwys live.

She has also been asking a lot of questions about death. Who will look after her if I die, will she get another mummy. That sort of thiong. I guess it could all be unrelated. She just seems to be very insecure about her world IYKWIM. I suppose she is just at that age where she is trying to make sense of things and now she has all this to get her head round as well.

[katherinez]

will always live with me!

[calordan]

I think I would call and ask him to think about how and when he will communicate with dds, maybe have skype and webcam, set it up and then leave them too it. It is really important that your dd feels some security and structure, but the only risk is if he is flaky then him letting them down would be more damaging, I have a new dh but sperated from x 9 years agon when dd1 was 1 and I just felt a huge sense of relief that it was over and I could concentrate on my baby, not to say I didnt have times when I was furious with him.

[EscapeFrom]

I think when they are small, mummy is GOD. Mummy has the power to do anything to anyone. They are scared of their God leaving their lives, I think.

She wants to know she will always be looked after - it sounds like your charming ex has made himself look vulnerable to her, and she is wondering if this is what happens when you are vulnerable and mummy won't let you live with her. The twat. (your ex)

have you told her that it is different because she is YOUR CHILD and he is a GROWN UP? It reassured my ds1 a LOT to hear that.

[katherinez]

Yeah that is a good idea Calordan. Maybe he needs to decide on some specific times to phone her. (although may be hard for the next few days as I wouldnt give him his mobile back after I caught him out with some dodgy texts ). Wasnt really thinking straight yesterday. Oh I dont know.

EF. H has made himself look vulnerable to everyone. He is the poor victim in all this dont you know!

Im being flippant now. We are both responsible for this sorry mess. Both of us 50/50.

[calordan]

You are not both the cause of this, but you are the only one being responsibe.

[katherinez]

I get your point EF. I guess I need to reassure her of that.

[katherinez]

Well. I do feel partly responsible. But thats by the by now. I think he will come to his senses sooner or later. Hes just got himself into a right bloody mess.

[EscapeFrom]

bloody hard, innit!?

I went through this five months ago - it's hard but it does get easier. Promise.

[katherinez]

I dont think it has really sunk in yet. I just feel relieved that the worst is over really. That I know in my own mind what is going on. I guess there will be difficult times to come. I still hope we will get through this together. I just feel sorry for him at the mo. It is such a mess.