i am not coping well i guess, HELP PLS!!!!!!!

[turquoisenights]

i am a lone parent to a 6 yr old dd.
i have no family around, i grew her up on my own in difficult conditions.
her behaviour is increasingly difficult for the last month (she was difficult bfore, too).
she is very strong physically. sometimes she hits me.
i cant have any diciplyne on her.
for example when its bed time she just lays on floor, dont get ready for bed etc.
life is very difficult with her.
i cant go out too much with her, and at home she is never giving any peace. i cant approach her too to do something together, her behaviours so difficult too bear, and i think we are fed up of each other.
she is verbally abusive too.
her father never tried to see her, etc, but sometimes i am thinking of just leaving her to him.
some times i feel like i am going to lose my mind, my life all ruined.
i feel trapped.
advices and ideas pls???....

[fillyjonk]

do you have any support from, eg

gingerbread
homestart

does she have a diagnosis of anything?

have you considered parenting classes?

her behaviour is not on, but i can see how she is in a hard situation also.

why can't you go out with her?

[TaylorsMummy]

you poor thing my nephew has behavioural problems and my sister is on her own with him.he wears her out.i know how hard this must me.have you taken her to see someone? a pschyologist maybe? if they spoke to her then you might be able to find out if something is bothering her.my nephew had play therapy and it helped for a while.he is still difficult but my sister feels better now she knows what she thinks is causing him to be like this.

[TaylorsMummy]

i meant to add,what is her behaviour like at school? and her work?

[turquoisenights]

i have recently registered to gingerbread but have feeling i wont get too much from them.
she is referred but procedures so slow.
at home and at outside she insists doing some unacceptable behaviours, for example outside she just run away from me-i am afraid she will get crushed by a car.
i have done parenting classes but i feel i couldnt get too much from it.

[turquoisenights]

now she is at her room, instead of tidying her toys and get ready for bed she is doing more mess.
i told her to get ready, put her pjymas on then we read a book but no. she just trying to annoy me.

[skyatnight]

TurquoiseNights - sorry to hear things are bad. I think it's really tough when it is just the two of you, it gets too intense. When there is another parent/adult around, you can back each other up and the child sees that they need to respect their parents but when it's just you and your child, it's like the child thinks they are equal to you. If she has more specific problems that could be diagnosed, and if she could get some professional help for these, that would obviously help. If not, and it is just her challenging you, it is hard to know what to suggest.

I feel that my dd, who is two, and I spend too much time on our own. I also keep meaning to buy some parenting books. I need to get more of a life going for myself, more of a social life, broaden our horizons. You sound as if you've kind of lost yourself along the way. Is there any way you and your dd could find some new activities to do together that might be more fun and let her see that there is more to you than just being her mother. Sometimes it's like you can get locked into a conflict with a child and it becomes a habit. She sees it as the only way she can get your attention. It needs to get lightened up. I know it's easier said than done as many of us are just worn out with the daily grind and have no time/resources to do much else.

Maybe I am way off the mark but it sounds as if you and your dd need a break from each other. Do you think you are depressed? Have you been to see your gp?

Sorry if I'm talking rubbish but I wanted to respond to your thread and bump it in case anyone else has better advice.

[turquoisenights]

thanks skyatnight, i've found yr post very understanding and helping.
i think you understood me very well.

[turquoisenights]

i think we need some time off from each other, but it seems very hard to get.

[turquoisenights]

and i know i need someone at home to back me up but it is impossible.

[turquoisenights]

she is challenging me and knows my weak points very well. sometimes i feel she knows me better than i do. and she is very strong willed.

[skyatnight]

Hi TN. I'm glad I could offer you a bit of emotional support. You sounded so distressed in your OP. Please go and see your GP.

I think even very small children seem to be able to tune into an adult's weak points. They do it innocently and instinctively and you have to be really firm and consistent. Has she said anything about why she is so angry? Have you asked her? Does she realise that you are really upset about this?

Could you try praising her instead of trying to discipline her, or anything to suprise or distract her, get out of the deadlock you are in. You've probably already tried this. You probably feel like you just want to hand her over to someone else for a couple of weeks while you have a break but I suppose this isn't going to happen, is it? If you could just turn it around a bit, you could get out of the house more with her and that would help.

You are in a difficult position and really need some support but I know how hard it is if you have no family around. Could you contact HomeStart to see if they could send a volunteer round for a few hours a week? It might help if your dd saw another adult in your home, treating you with respect.

You say she has been referred. Is that for these behavioural problems? Does she behave badly at school or have problems with her education?

Going to bed now.

[Tinkerbel5]

turquoise she is definately challenging you, I know how strong willed a 6 year old is cause I have one myself, but at that age they do know what is wrong and what is right. Your situation sounds like what my friend had with her son and there is a condition (dont know what its called) where a child holds resentment towards a parents and sets out to punish them. I hope things do get better for you as you must be at the end of your tether.

[turquoisenights]

thank you very much for your posts Tinkerbel5 and skyatnight, they really help me.
i tried to praise her good behaviour but she changes quickly to a spoilt girl. but i still do tell her 'oh thats so clever, how did you do that?' etc which she likes.
as you said Tinkerbel5, i think she is angry to me for some reasons, i will try to talk her but i guess what is happening is -with her bad behaviours she is pushing me away, and then she is trying for my attention. when i try to ignore her during her unacceptable behaviours she is trying to get more of my attention by being more bad behavioured.
skyatnight, yes she had some unacceptable behaviours in school (she had speech problem as well which is recovered now), we worked with school together, at that time with my consent she was referred to a behaviour specialist.
after sessions with her, behaviour specialist didnt think of referring her to cam but i wanted to avoid any more incidents happening again in school and having difficulties at home we decided it will be good to continue with cam.
i am waiting an appointment from them.
she is an exited girl, so she doesnt have too much control of what she says or does (valid for many 6 yr olds maybe).
but her doing the same things that i dont like for years and years making me really fed up sometimes.
she was a bit better this morning
thanks again.

[skyatnight]

Hi TNs - good to hear that things were a bit better this morning. I'm not familiar with cam - what is that? Mumsnet is good for letting off steam but, reading some of the other threads, it's sad that there are so many of us out there struggling on our own. Isolation is a big problem. I'm doing ok but not that great. Sometimes it helps to try and support other people on here. Sometimes I worry I'm just coming across as patronising, I hope not. Sometimes I just lurk. You are doing your best with your dd and I'm sure she'll be fine - just give her loads of love, even when she is being horrible! Please look after yourself too because she needs you to be well and happy. Take care.

[turquoisenights]

hi skyatnight,
of course you are not patronising, pls dont think like that.
cam is abbrevation for children and adolescent mental health service. they do assessment for children who have difficulties, some times they assess them in school environment as well as family environment. some children get statemented at the end which gets them more support at schools.
we had a talk with her today.
she had a tantrum while coming back home, a lady passing by told referring me 'o poor woman' .
my daughter got angry to her.
at home i explained her. in the past she saw some children crying on the streets and told me it doesnt look nice. i told her 'imagine yourself like a child like that, what would you think, is it nice. what would you think of her mum, she said its not easy for her'
so think i have reached to her thoughts and made her realise it is not easy to bear such tantrums.
i feel a bit better now.
lets see how it will go tomorrow.
thanks for sharing my difficult time.
you take care too.

[newlifenewname]

Turquoise, Barnardo's and the NSPCC both do parenting courses in many areas. The Family Caring Trust provide the material for the Barnardo's courses and they have a website where you can buy really easy to follow course books that also help even if you are not on the course.

I run parenting courses and use the same material myself. I may be able to help (for free) if you are interested in one to one work and not too far away. CAT me if so.

There are one or two nannies here who also do this sort of family work so might be worth looking into.

[skyatnight]

Hi TNs. It's good that your dd will maybe get some help and that she is beginning to have a little empathy, realising how it affects you. Maybe your dd having speech problems when she was little made her frustrated, so she felt bad and her behaviour was bad? Anyway, I hope things improve and post again if you have a bad day or it all gets too much and you need to talk about it. Best wishes. xx

[newlifenewname]

Sorry, hadn't read right through thread when I posted. I see you have seen a behaviour specialist already.