Did you give him another chance when pregnant?

[beller]

Well.. i was only seeing my boyfriend for 3 1/2 months when i found out i was pregnant. Up until this point things had been going really well...and we were talking about him moving in at some point, he stayed about 5 mights a week anyway. From the time i found out (unplanned), he sort of just dissapeared...accused me of trying to trap him ( dont think so!) bla bla...He wanted me to have a termination, but im 37 and dont have any children, and didnt feel this was an option for me, but i went away with a friend on holiday to think. I decided to keep the baby, knowing that this would probably be on my own. Over the past few weeks, he has called and come round a few times to talk, saying he is not good with responsibilty etc ( has a 12 year old daughter), but is making noises about maybe giving it a go. I am 13 weeks pregnant,, he didnt want to come to the scan, but came round to look at the pics after and called to see how i was. He said that he is scared of screwing my life up,and that he just dosnt think he can change ( he also has a gambling habit), but knows he would have to..

Sooooooo how many of you would give it a go " for the sake of the child"? We still get on and fancy each other..but he has issues ( dont we all) , but not sure I want to put myself in a position to be knocked down. He accused me of trying to trap him, but i have my own home and savings etc,and he lives in a mates bedroom? My friends tell me to make sure he dosnt take advantage of me? I have come to terms with doing this on my own. I would hope that at the very least we will have a friendship and that the baby will know his/her father.....Just wanted to bounce this off other single parents to see what you think?

[mumto3girls]

Of what benefit would this man be to your child?

IMHO I'd drop him like a hot stone.

[colditz]

I personally would give him a good chance to know and love his daughter. But never ever ever give him any money.

[mojosmum]

i would wait until the baby is born to make that desision as your judgement maybe clouded by your pregnancy if he wants to make thinks work he will understand this & wait

[Boredveryverybored]

I agree, would wait until after baby was born, give him a good chance to be involved and build a relationship with him/her and see how you feel then. It might be that when baby is bor you find that he realy isn't capable of taking responsibility in which case you'l have your answer.
If after the birth, he is involved and shows every sign of wanting to be there then think about it then.
Also agree don't gove him any money!

[Tinkerbel5]

beller did he accuse the mother of his 12 year old of trying to trap him aswell ? this guy and how he is behaving is a carbon copy of my ex and its a lost cause, it might turn out different for you but as long as you have faced up to being a lone parent then you will be fine, give him another chance if you want too but when the baby is born and still acting like it call it quits, good luck.

[skyatnight]

I echo what everyone else has said. My situation was similar to yours. He came back several times during the pregnancy, asking for another chance but he was never really there for me when I needed him. Dd is 2 now but he hasn't seen her since the week after she was born. The difficulty of being with a man like this is that, when you are pregnant (and any other time really!), you want someone reliable, who will love you unconditionally and be there no matter what. I found it very difficult to give up the idea of us being together as a family but I found the uncertainty of the relationship very stressful and couldn't handle not knowing where I stood. I would plan in your own mind to be a single parent and see what happens. The proof of the pudding will be how he is towards the end of the pregnancy and during the first few months. If he is responsible and looks after you and the baby then, it might be worth giving it a go. But I wouldn't expect too much as he is warning you that he may let you down.

[missgiggles]

Hi beller,

my relationship ended when i was 7 mths pregnant we'd been together 5 yrs and when we met he'd just given up gambling (or so i thought - but thats a differrent matter) anyway he'd never been that reliable which at the time was almost o.k becouse i loved him etc, etc ... (you know how it is)however when i became pregnant (unplanned) it became a big problem becouse i wanted him to stick at a job longer that 6 mths and buy a house with me so we could all be 'one big happy family' but he decided him, me AND a baby was just too much responsilty!

So to cut a long story short when i was 3 mths gone and v ill! he toatally disappeared for a mth (i later found out to be with another woman) but i took him back 'for the sake of the baby' as i'd never known my father (he left when i was 2) and said i didn't want that for my child as now i couldn't give 2 figs for my own. So i said the relationship was going to be different this time but it wasn't and it didn't last! i still watened him to be responsible and he still didn't want to be.

So off he went to be with this other woman who then became pregnant (planned?/unplanned?) and apparently he sat n cried when he found out couse he felt trapped one thing to have 2 babies to 2 different women in one yr but quite another to leave 2 pregnant women in one yr

Now he only sees my ds if we pass in the st and he doesn't put his head down.

So i would advise you to be carefull if you do give it another go, go into any relationship with him with open eyes (easyer said than done!) and try and think about what will be best for you and your dc in the long run as if this man is running away from reponsibilty now chances are he'll keep on running and burying his head in the sand.

And remember grieving about what could of been (picnics, hoils, teaching dc to walk together etc) is perfctly normal but not a good reson to let this man come backwards and forwards into your life as and when he pleases.

Try giving yourself some time and discussing with him things that you'd like him to do i.e go shopping for baby bits (if you can stand to look/use them after dc is born if you and he are no longer together) look through baby book or go to next scan, if he does what you ask with no fuss and supports you emotiionally when needed, then maybe think about letting him into your life on a regual baisas as a friend and see what happens.

Take care hope everything works out o.k!

[missgiggles]

Sorry i didn't realise how long winded that was

[Harra]

Hi Beller,
Will tell you my story as briefly as poss. Met a guy 2002 - bit of an up and down relationship, moved in together 2003, bought flat together agreed to try for children. Took 5 months, then I became pregnant, miscarried at about 11 weeks. Relationship got much worse, very abusive to each other and had a very acrimonous split in Nov 2004. He wouldn't give me any money for my share of the flat (quite complicatated as we had an extension etc). 6 months later xp is 'sorry' really loves me etc etc says all I want to hear, he will change, will go to anger management and relate. Like you we always still fancied each other. We did go to relate, he decided he 'didn't need' anger management. I got pregnant within 2 months. Had a gorgeous ds. Relationship got worse, he continually critised me, gets angry etc etc. Split with him in Dec 2006 - ds 10 months old. Refused to pay any maintenance, adores ds and wants to see him more has taken me to court for more access. Hindsight - I shouldn't have got back with him/should have made sure our relationship was going to be stable before having ds.
As other posters have said you can't think straight when you are pregnant and IMO not for a further year. You need someone who will be there for you and your child. I suggest you keep a friendship, have your baby and give yourself a year after that. If he is already saying 'he is scared of screwing up your life' that doesn't bode well. My Dad is a gambler too - parents split after 22 years - but it was hard for my mum. Currently I have just gone back to work, living with my mum but soon to exchange on a flat for me and ds, CSA have got on top of xp and have given him an amount to pay - just got to get xp to pay now and I have a few court dates ahead of me. I absolutely adore my ds (now 16 months) - but it is hard and not what I planned to be a single mum. However much happier and stronger (am 37 too). Will now not take any s**t from anyone. HTH and hope I haven't rambled too much. Basically leopards don't change their spots - it's his problem and he needs to sort it out and you need to be as sure as you can be before you commit yourself to being with him.

[Debra1981]

i know my situation was a bit different, my ex-h was no gambler but he had other problems and was v abusive to me, i left him when i was 3 months pregnant, but he persuaded me to give him another chance, promised faithfully to change 'as soon as the baby arrives' but of course didnt, used up that last chance and i took dd away when she was one month old, although she still sees him every week under supervision. i didn't think he could provide a stable home for her so was mentally prepared to leave the moment he let us down once she was here. I think it's fair of your fella to let you know that he's struggling with the idea of looking after a family- at least you have been warned to prepare yourself. Think about how life will be with and without him, and just do whats best for lo. You may want to give him a chance, if so i wish you all the best, but dont give him more than one- then it's just messing your lo around.

[beller]

Thanks everyone-
He was with his daughters mum for about 6 years i think, and the relationship broke down when she was 3..he still has a great relationship with her, and she is a great , grounded girl. He was then with someone for 4 years after that, in between relationships he has had about a year-2 year gap. He says he gets bored, and cant stand responibilty, so i said, are you happy living in your mates spare room then, and he says no. The fact that he is 42, i dont think he can chnage, even if he wanted to? He is a london cabbie, so can earn good money and work when he wants to, but thats good and bad, as if he dosnt want to go, he dosnt. I have told him i dont want anything from him, unless he wants to give it, and that includes his time and love. After talking to him the other night, i understand him a bit more...but not sure what he will bring to the realtionship apart form alot of doubt?
I like the idea of waiting until the baby is born, and maybe just keeping a contact and offering for him to come to the scans etc and see how that goes down. I told him I dont want antying out of guilt or duty,and i think i and him deserve more than that!
I said he is obviously showing no signs of being any good in a crisis, so what would happen if I or the baby was ill...he said thats different
Thnaks for sharing your stories, I know it must be tough, but we have ourselves and the little ones to think about eh? I really hope we all find people that deserve us and babys in the end!!
thanks again, will keep you updated xxxx

[skyatnight]

You sound like a really confident, balanced, strong person Beller, so I am sure that, whatever happens, you and your lo will be fine. He sounds like quite a nice guy, just not someone who can handle responsibility and being tied down. And I expect if you are this strong on your own, he will feel no pressure and will probably be around for you.

[flightattendant]

Hi Beller, I remember your post a few months ago and nice to see you're still about!
Well, I think you have to take his words at face value. It sounds like he's basically saying, he fancies you, doesn't want to write you out of his life, but won't be around to help. I would think you might be able to take what you can from that...ie have a sort-of relationship (I know how hard it is to leave someone you fancy, DS1's dad was one of those) but in other ways continue to plan for your life as a single parent. I would imagine the only real problem with that will be that you'll gradually build up a lot of anger about him not taking responsibility or ever helping out...that's what happened to me with DS1's dad, though I loved him I lost respect for him and got incredibly resentful over time, until I couldn't help asking him to help us more, he took this as nagging and buggered off with someone else...and her three kids!!!
In answer to the original question, I've just had a baby, the father was emotionally abusive for the 8 months we were together (three of them after I got pregnant) and I ditched him when I realised I had the choice (ie my parents were willing to help...again ). He immediately decided he wanted us all back (He never wanted commitment till he knew I wouldn't ever have him back) and kept on and on about how it wasn't his choice not to be involved...personally I think this was a massive face saving exercise, because nothing had changed. He keeps saying to this day that he was about to start being nice to us when I dumped him...how convenient. I still have no explanation for his crappy behaviour and the other day, he even asked me what it was he was supposed to have done that was so bad!
I just said, 'well darling, there were no bruises...' and he shut up quick before I could give him a list.
So, no, I wouldn't give him another chance...just listen to what he says, and believe it. My new child's father always said I'd be doing the bringing up of the baby, he'd be around when he could, and he didn't want to do it. That's what I believe and I reckon he was very glad when I ended it, as he was free to moan about not being involved, while getting exactly what he wanted...no responsibility.

[beller]

Thanks Flightattendant- i think youre right, if there was no baby on the horizon, im sure we would still be together, but hey-ho..im extremely happy with the fact that im pregnant , and have mde my choice, the baby ,over its father, im sure he will have some level o involvement, and i at leats have a say if that includes me.
Thanks skyatnight- i do feel strong now, and im sure everything will be fine, if not a little tough at times..but thats life in general eh!
xxxxxxxx