Hello I'm another new bird

[Neuro]

At last a message board where people talk normally...
I am going to be a lone parent in December. It was planned this way.
I looked up this Entitlment Calculator on the internet and despite doing it twice, it would appear that when i go back to work part time 3 days a week, i'll actually be better off than I am now. Does that sound right to anyone?! I work 4 days a week currently and spend other weekday at college.
Also due to maternity pay being so dire - what a disappointment considering i've worked from aged 16 to 35 (now), so nearly 20 years of tax contributions for very little in return! So I'm going to ask my mum if i can live with her for 6 months of my maternity leave. This is so I can rent my flat out and not worry about mortgage for 6 months, plus she'll hopefully pass on her mothering wisdom and it will bond us.
Has anybody out there tried living with their mum too in this way? My mum has a big enough space for me, so won't be under her feet. I'm also a very active person so will be able to cook some evening meals etc and do a bit of cleaning for my mum in return for not paying rent.
This is if she says yes, haven't asked her yet! Eeeek. Feel apprehensive about it though becuase if she says no, i just dont' know how i will manage as because I own my own home i won't get any help with the mortgage. So lovely to be punished for trying to get on in life!
Any messages greatfull received and look forward to chatting.

[fryalot]

hi neuro

can't help, I'm afraid, but wanted to say hi

welcome to mn

[JackieNo]

Hi Neuro - can't help either, but hope it all goes well. Welcome to MN .

[Neuro]

No worries!

Thanks anyway

[JackieNo]

Keep bumping this up to the top, maybe someone who knows about these things will see it...

[fryalot]

or maybe if you start a thread in the money section, someone may have more of an idea for you?

[chloemummy]

Hi Squonk
I would say that sounds right. I work three days a week and when my employer wanted me to work full time I had to decline. working four days I would be no better off as I lost all my tax credit. Working full time only £50pw better off so not worth it.

[Debra1981]

hello Neuro, don't know about the entitlement bit but i've lived with my parents since dd was a month old (not planned!), she is now nearly a year. Obviously we've survived but there's something a little uncomfortable about having to live with your parents as an adult/parent yourself, and particularly to begin with my mum was a bit intrusive and fussy when it came to my parenting. My dad was more relaxed and was quite good at soothing lo when colicky. It's been nice having their adult company too. My alternative was living in a women's refuge with dd so it was a LOT better than that. If your mum bonds with lo whilst staying there then she could help with childcare once you went back to work? I hope things work out for you

[carol3]

hi neuro, yes that sounds right as your working tax credit goes up when your a lone parent. I was amazed when I first did the entitlement calculator.
The own home thing sucks, I havent found a way around it, so will have to sell mine in order to pay rent and get a small amount of housing benifit.
good luck talking to your mum sounds like a great idea.

[Browny]

Hi Neuro and welcome to mumsnet, sorry I can't help you out on the benefits question but just wanted to say "hello" and bump this thread up for you. Where do you live? I'm in Merseyside

[nappyaddict]

i personally hate living with my mum cos she butts in, interferes and treats me like a child. if your mum is anything like that i would say don't do it. i think i would have had a much better experience living on my own and struggling but at least doing things my own way.

oh and what do you mean it was planned this way.

[Neuro]

Hi all
Thanks for all the hellos and bits of advice.
First off, I live in Bournemouth. My mum lives in Devon, 1-2 hours away so unfort won't be available for any childcare stuff. To be honest I don't think she'd have done it anyway, having brought up 4 children think she's had enough!
To expain the 'planned' single parent thing, well, I met a man who became my lover and he agreed to help me become pregnant. I am 35, I had a serious relationship for a longtime that didn't work out, I left him as it was clear that despite being in love with me he was never going to grow up and had no intention of marrying or having children. A few years down the line I knew my mid thirties were on the horizon and for want of a cliche, my clock was ticking away. I've wanted children for about 8 years now and despite some attempts at dating just didn't meet the right man. So i've taken matters into my own hands with the help of this man. The child will know it is his father and he may help me out from time to time financially when he can, but this is my project if you like. I have my own flat, when i go back to work 3 days and all those tax credits kick in i'll be kind of ok. I'm a pretty fulfilled 30 something, have travelled a lot, partied plenty, have taught myself a lot about life, am v happy with my job and friends and family and now am retraining as a counsellor so future earnings will be ok. Also I don't intend to remain single forever and feel more confident now that with my massive baby urges being satisfied (all being well in the pregnancy) that i'll stop looking at men as baby machines but as individuals in their own right. Well, until I fall in love!
My only worries are financial for when i am on maternity leave. My family have never been able to help me finanically, i've bought everything myself (flat, cars, etc) which is a good feeling, but the one way they could hellp me out is by letting me live with them for 6months so i don't have to worry about rent. Just depends on whether Mum can be persuaded. She's a decent woman and i'm gambling on the fact that in the dark winter moments she'll be able to come home from work and there will be a sweet baby to cuddle (she's always loved babies) and none of the nappy/being up in the night stuff. And if not, i'll find a way, women have got by on a lot worse or even nothing. I'm resourceful.
Think i've rambled enough for one message!
xx

[Surfermum]

Hi Neuro, just wanted to say I'm nearby in Broadstone. There are quite a few of us in the Bournemouth/Poole area so keep an eye out for the meet up threads if you fancy meeting us.

[Neuro]

Oh cool! Sounds good because NONE of my closest friends have any babies.

Erm don't suppose you surf on water as well as the internet do you?

How many children do you have? And what ages?

[Surfermum]

Yes, I do surf the waves .... well I did before I had dd. I don't get much chance these days, but I'm hoping that'll change now dd is getting older - and we're getting the surf reef at Boscombe which will be wicked.

My dd is 4 and I have a step-d who's 11 and comes every other weekend.

[kittypants]

hello new bird!.cant help but hello

[nappyaddict]

erm if the man who got you pregnant is your lover why are you no longer together [sorry still confused

[Neuro]

Hello back to people saying hello!
Nappyaddict - well he was only ever a lover for purposes of pysical loving! Never wanted him as a husband. Nothing has changed since I got pregnant. He has has helped me get pregnant as agreed. I spent a lot of last year looking into ways of how to become a parent. I never fancied the sperm bank route and knew i definitely wanted to have baby out of my own body as opposed to adopting one. I've always planned to adopt later on but knew i would have to address my physical urges first. I realise my situation might sound a bit bizarre to some, but i'd resigned myself to being a single parent the first time around, i just needed someone to help me do it. I did ask my lovely gay hairdresser if he fancied being a pt dad and he said if he was 5 yrs older then yes, but at the mo he's too young. He's bloody gorgeous though! And a sweet person.
Anyway, I digress. My lover will help a bit and will be a real person for the child to visit/identify with. This baby will be very loved and when it is old to enough to understand I will explain that whilst it's parents weren't married or a proper couple, it was a planned wanted baby.
It's not that my lover doesn't want to be more involved with me, I just don't want it. I know i don't want to marry him, we are culturally too different and have massively different outlooks and plans for life. He is ok with this. And if he really enjoys being a father then i wouldn't stand in the way of him spending more time with the baby, it just doesn't mean anything will change between us. He lives and works an hour and a half away from here too, so will be paying weekly visits.
Back onto the Mum front, I decided not to ask my mum for 6 months at her place and have asked instead if i could stay for the first month to six weeks. She is over the moon about this and is v pleased too. It's given her the option of being v hands on when i really need her without dragging the process out. Knowing her she'll prob love it and i'll stay a bit longer, but i've done my homework with tax credits and stuff, and if i can persuade my lovely lodger to stick around (she really likes babies) then i'll be ok. AND Surfergirl i might squeeze into my wetsuit the odd moring here and there and freeze my arse off, hopefully will burn off some babyfat in the process. So if you want someone to hit the reef with, I'm your girl!

[Neuro]

p.s I am anticipating some future emotional issues with the baby's father, but I have been honest all along about my feelings. But all relationships irrispective of their nature will experience some turbulence with the arrival of a new child, I imagine. I don't wish to be seen as someone that has used a man for his sperm as that has not been the case.
x

[nappyaddict]

ah right, so are you still seeing him on a physical level, or plan to after the baby is born?

i think its lovely that he has offered to do this!

[Neuro]

Hi Nappyaddict
Well after the babies born not sure i'll be wanting any men near my lower regions. Or upper ones come to think of it!
I am three months preggers now, but we started to fall out a fair bit prior to conceiving, and even the conception was bit of a one off really and was followed by a big barney, so i was surprised when my period was late. Surprised but chuffed that at 35 (and knocking on a bit!) i only did it once and it happened to be on the right day and hit the target!
So, ironically things have deteriorated on that level. Think this is somethiing that was beginning to happen naturally anyway and i'd actually started to think it a bad idea us bringing a child into the world together as we were rarely together. I suppose that's sod's law isn't it? On the positive side none of this has alarmed me and we both want to be parents and will make nice ones i think!
Is it safe to assume you have a child or some children? What is your situation?
My back hurts today and my clothes horse has just broken which made me cry! What a doughnut.

[Neuro]

And yes, i am incredibly greatful he has helped me get pregnant.

[nappyaddict]

oh she he doesnt want to play the father role then. i wasn't sure about that from your posts.

yes i've got an 11 month old son. i too am a single parent but it wasn't a planned pregnancy. call it failed contraception ...

[Neuro]

he wants a pt father role. i'm just gonna wait and see how that works out

[nappyaddict]

so you're what about 2 months pregnant atm? back to your original question - how long would you stay at your mums once the baby was born?