My marriage has been a total sham

[RubyGems]

Hi, this is my first post on here as a single mum! My marriage has ended after 10 years (together 18 in total). I've got 4 kids, eldest is autistic.

Over the years I've put up with aggression (he never hit me though), kicking and punching things, mood swings, irritability, lethargy and over the past year or so a real negative attitude to everything and everyone. I've suffered from bulimia and depression (no surprise really) and beaten them both. It hasn't all been terrible, he's been a good dad to his kids and always provided for us.

He's always had a sneaky, devious side to him, often lying to me about things, hiding porn, sneaking off to drink etc. He'd confessed to taking speed in the past but always swore it was a thing of the past. Well turns out he was telling the truth because just before he left (as an absolute last ditch attempt to win me back) he confessed to having a cocaine addiction stretching back for nearly all of my marriage!

Shocked doesn't come near, but at the same time all the puzzle pieces slotted together. All the lying he's done to cover it up, the money he's spent, but worse of all to think of him doing that under my roof and being around my babies! He even attended anger management courses and still took it! His friends knew, his therapist knew, but not me, supposedly the centre of his universe as he called me.

I'm so hurt, feel I've been living with a stranger all this time and boy, what a fool I've been taken for. Now trying to come to terms with life as a single mum yet still remaining reasonable enough to let him see the kids.

I don't think I'll ever trust my opinions of anyone ever again. Thanks for ploughing through this, I'm really hurting.

[GiantSquirrelSpotter]

Oh RG how awful for you.

It is so dreadful to feel that the last x number of years has been a lie and you have been living with a stranger. I remember that feeling and it freaked me out, I was scared of being in the same house as xp because I felt I really didn't know him - who the hell was this stranger and what was he doing in my effing bedroom?

Don't feel it's about your lack of judgement; if someone is determined to hide something from you, they'll hide it and unless you are a paranoid suspicious loon, you won't suspect anything, why should you?

Keep posting here to get support.

[saintmaybe]

RubyGems. It's a GOOD thing to trust people you love, don't feel stupid, you've done NOTHING wrong.

Hope things get better for you.

[RubyGems]

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I'm having good and bad days at the moment. One moment I'll be celebrating my new found freedom and the next feeling really fearful of what the future holds and how I'm going to deal with it on my own.
The kids seem OK but I am worried about when my ex returns to see them and find digs nearby. I think I'm scared that he's going to work on me to get back with him. He's been kidding me and working my head for such a long time that I'm scared he'll do it again.

I know I've got to move on. I've seen people regarding financial help, taken my wedding ring off and told everyone that we're now permanently separated. I'm making an effort to look nice to booost my self esteem. I've got lots of family/friends supporting me but I do know that it's going to dwindle over time and that's what I'm feeling nervous about.

After 18 years of being part of a couple it's so hard to adapt even though my relationship was never what I believed it to be. If I'm honest deep down I'm bloody terrified but holding it together for the sake of my kids.

[DeviousDaffodil]

How awful for you.
Sounds like you are doing really well in coping though.
You are obviously a strong person to come through eating disorders.
Good luck, you will be fine.
You are better off without him.

[Nessie21]

I understand what you are going through more than you can imagine, you will pull through it because you have to and you have no choice but to pull through it for your kids sake. It sounds to me like your not alone, you seem to have support within your family and group of friends. I think perhaps you need councilling to come to terms with the lies he's told you over the past because if you dont you will never be able to enter a new relationship without questionning your new partner. In my opinion you cannot trust this man, if something happened to him how could you explain that to your children?? You probably feel as though he's cheated on you, and in you mind it would have probably been better if he did because you would probably leave him for good, that how i felt when i was in a simlar situation anyway. be stong, if you need to chat i'm here

xx

[RubyGems]

Daffodil and Nessie thank you, I really need to be told I can do this. I keep getting the "how on earth are you going to cope with 4 kids on your own" type comments which i really don't need right now!

He phoned earlier wondering why I hadn't phoned to wish him happy birthday! He keeps going on about his feelings etc and how he wants to be friends with me. He's in another town at the mo, where all his family and friends are, but says if he comes back here he's got no one and will move away again if I can't be friends with him and be there to help him beat his addiction! I feel like I'm being emotionally black mailed.

For the first time I began to question if I can cope without him. On one hand I do need help with them but on the other how can I ever move on with my life if he's hanging around me all the time. The kids love him and need to see him and they wouldn't see much of him if he lived so far away.

It's all so complicated isn't it when you've got kids.

Nessie you're right I do feel like it would be easier if he'd cheated on me. I've been lied to for years. He keeps saying why am I being so mean becuase he never judged me for having an eating disorder!!! How could he compare them? The only person I hurt was myself.

[josiex4]

Omg!!! Poor you!

Huge huge hugs from all of us,,
Ive just ended a relationship with a violent abusive man, but his mood swings wernt linked to drugs, more single fella syndrome!!

[Upsadaisygoonpunkmakemyday]

oh Rubygems my heart goes out to you but you know you will get through and you will cope....it sounds as though you've overcome so much already your a survivor lass. You will get up in the morning and go to bed at night and I'm sure that one day in the future you'll look back and suddenly realise at how well you are coping!

As for trusting give yourself time there are wonderful people out there and unfortunately some not so wonderful you've had a nasty shock give yourself time to come to terms with it and be kind to yourself.