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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Should I go and meet my ex this weekend?

18 replies

kiminutter · 30/03/2007 23:42

To cut a very long story short...
I stupidly got married when I was 18, had DD and DS1 very shortly afterwards, 13 months apart. 'D'H disappeared off the face of the planet when DS1 was 6 months old and I have had no contact from him since.
However, I recently contacted his brother's wife (a lovely MNer!) and have the opportunity this weekend to meet him face to face and find out why he has never bothered with his children. Should I go, or is it best to leave things as they are? I have no desire to have this man back in my life, but I'm sure the time will come when my kids will want answers. Advice please!

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Hathor · 30/03/2007 23:46

Sounds like a sensible idea, but depends how strong you are feeling. Could be massively upsetting for you I would have thought.

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Hathor · 30/03/2007 23:47

Presumably this was all a long time ago?

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kiminutter · 30/03/2007 23:50

I haven't seen him for about 8 years, so the anger/disappointment/shock etc has all faded away. I am a million times stronger than I was back then! The only reason for doing this would be for the kids. They are 9 and 8 now and ask questions. They know their dad 'works away' but they deserve more.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 30/03/2007 23:51

I dont think you will get any benefit from meeting him if all you want is answers.

If, however, you think he wants to play a part in his childrens lives then it is worth wasting, sorry giving him, some time.

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TwirlyN · 30/03/2007 23:52

If you are strong enough, it can only benefit the children surely. You would be doing ,as I can see the right thing. If he then chooses to P* off again, you can tell your children, hand on heart, you tried doing the right thing for them. After that, well it's his and their decision.

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Hathor · 30/03/2007 23:57

It may not benefit teh children though. Depends on what sort of bloke he is. It may make things more complicated for them.

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kiminutter · 30/03/2007 23:58

Another thing is, I also discovered that he has another child so my kids have a brother. I know what it's like growing up and not knowing anything about your dad and siblings, I only met my dad a few months ago after 24 years. I don't want them to have to go through that. However, as VVVQV rightly pointed out it could possibly be a huge let-down and I don't want them to go through that either!

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kiminutter · 31/03/2007 14:12

bump

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sunnysideup · 31/03/2007 14:39

kimi if it was me, I would go with the intention of not saying much but having a good look at him and a listen to what he has to say. I think you're a great mum for thinking about this from your children's point of view, you're right, it may well become very important to them as they get older. They are likely to thank you for at least giving an opportunity for things to progress with their dad and to find out about their half brother; if you let all that go they and you might always have a 'what if' in their minds......

even if he were to see them for a time then tail off the contact then your kids will at least have had the chance to find out for themselves about him rather than have YOU tell them stuff about him.

Go along and see what you think; have a plan formed before you go about what you will offer in terms of contact, if he asks you there and then about it. And have a plan about what you will do with any anger or upset you might feel if he is just not interested; I know it was a long time ago now but it may stir up feelings if he is a happy family with his new child and shows no interest in yours? Good luck.

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kiminutter · 31/03/2007 14:57

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I need to think this through very carefully before jumping straight in!

Sunnysideup - from what I have heard my ex is no longer with the mother of his other child, and I am unsure what the situation is regarding contact with his other child. He is now living with a woman he met in November, he moved in with her after knowing her a few weeks. She has two children (not his). He has also been engaged to two other women during our time apart, even though I have never divorced him (however the divorce is now top of my list of things to do!).

I won't be going on my own tomorrow, I am meeting my SIL first. I have never met her before but have been emailing her for a while and she seems very lovely. Even if things don't go right with their dad, my kids are still going to have their aunt, uncle and cousins in their lives. I think I am going to be brave and go!

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glitterfairy · 31/03/2007 15:33

I wouldnt bother personally. I expect your kids are perfectly happy without him and he might make things worse.

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kellogs · 31/03/2007 16:17

Hi kimi
good luck & i really hope that it works out for the best, the children need to know what type of man there dad is so they can decide what they want to do next. if you didn't let them see him they could hold it against you.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that they have a nice time.

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kiminutter · 31/03/2007 16:46

Hi! I won't be taking the kids with me, I haven't told them anything about it yet. They know they are going to meet their cousins on Wednesday, but no awkward questions from them so far!
I think it's best I meet him alone first to find out if he is actually bothered about them. Any contact (IF I feel that they would benefit from it) would be limited and supervised, and only if the kids decide that they want it to happen.

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ThisEasterTime · 31/03/2007 21:33

Hey Kimi - I would have to go to see what he has to say. i suppose out if curiousity if nothing else. Good luck and let us know how you get on x

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RachelG · 31/03/2007 22:26

I would go if I were you.

I don't think you'll get any "answers", because there aren't any. Men struggle with the commitment involved with kids sometimes, and young men find it harder. Sometimes I think that myth about men being programmed to spread their seed far and wide might be true!! He'll no doubt tell you he's sorry, hates himself, feels inadequate etc etc, we've all heard all that before.

BUT, I think it's worth speaking to him for the sake of your children. At some point in the future, most likely when they're stroppy teenagers, they'll want to know about their Dad. If you admit that you turned down a chance to allow him back into your lives, they may blame you for it and be angry with you.

Ultimately they'll form their own opinions of him (which will almost ccertainly be negative, considering what he did), but they might resent you if they feel they weren't allowed to form their own opinions, if you see what I mean.

Best of luck!

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ucm · 31/03/2007 22:47

I would go, but I would write down/diarise everything and put it in your kids albums/babybox so they know that you did what you could. You might need this in future as in years to come, he might blame you when speaking to the children. So I would say write down the whole experience and give it to them when they are older.

Good luck. Hope it brings you some peace

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TwirlyN · 02/04/2007 21:34

How did it go kiminutter?

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kiminutter · 09/04/2007 10:27

Yes, I did go and meet him and found out all the lies he has told. He has no interest in his children and is still being awkward about signing the divorce papers.
I did meet his current girlfriend (he proposed to the latest one last week) and the poor lass had no idea he was married and didn't realise the situation with his children. Her brothers didn't think it was very nice of him to tell lies like that and he is now in hiding. She has kicked him out, binned his stuff, smashed his TV etc.....
I also met his other ex, the mother of his other son, and the kids had a wonderful day out with their brother. We are going to keep in contact with them so something really good did come out of all this.