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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Help, how do I deal with xp?

18 replies

mjsnorkle · 28/02/2007 23:43

New to this but hope that some one might be able to tell me whether I'm right or wrong. Split from xp 1 year ago and have since moved with dd about 200 miles away (for work and family reasons. Now xp, who was never an attentive father at the best of times, wants me to meet him half way between our homes every other weekend so he can have dd for the weekend. He wants the handover to take place at a service station. He was coming to stay for weekends on a regular basis but now tells dd that he wont do this because he does'nt want to see me. His new plan would involve 8 hours of travelling for dd each thime and I don't know if this is reasonable. He has her for holidays, including christmas, 3 weeks in the summer etc. He won't even phone her during the week and tells her that the split is my fault even though he had an affair and left me. Sorry this is so long but needed to have a rant. Thanks to anyone who reads it.

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Frizbe · 28/02/2007 23:50

I don't think this is an unreasonable request, although the distance you both live apart is obviously going to make this harder, I guess you just need to do whats in the best interests of your dd. I'm a stepmum and a mum myself, here's what happened and is still happening for my dh's son my ss, which may help you make your decision.
Before ss became of school age, dh had him one week, his mum had him the other (we live about 60miles apart and an hours drive/2hrs on a bad day) This enabled both partners to re sort their lives and split the cost of childcare.
Once school started he lives with mum, comes here every other weekend and half of the holidays, although we do all of the driving, picking up on friday from school, back to school monday am. Hth's

mjsnorkle · 01/03/2007 00:15

Thanks frizbe, it does help to hear another point of veiw. I heard from freinds that the main reason he wants this new arrangement is because he has a new girlfriend, and while I don't mind that, I don't want dd to suffef for his convenience when he has better things to do. Last time she went to him she spent the whole time with his mum because he had a hangover. Why is this while thing such a minefield?

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Pann · 01/03/2007 00:29

hi there. Sorry this is happening.
I am tending toward thinking it is pretty unreasonable, and wonder what his motives are tbh. If he was less than keen when things were 'easier' then why is it so urgent now? I do understand the need to have good contacts, but the arrangements don't appear to me to be satisfactory. A VERY long journey to a service station doesn't sound up t oscratch at all.
Have you made any other proposals??

Pann · 01/03/2007 00:33

oh, and how old is dd, and what does she say??

mamama · 01/03/2007 00:47

I can see where he's coming from with the request but I don't think it's fair on your DD (and, like others, I wonder about motives - why the sudden change?).

If it were once a month then that would be more reasonable - could he maybe continue to stay with you one weekend and on the next visit do the drive half-way thing.

How old is your DD? What does she think of it? Is she old enough to have a say?

Pann · 01/03/2007 00:55

Am suspecting he is reacting to other, female pressure (gran and g/friend) and is wishing to meet their expectations of him as a father, rather than it being his initiative. If dd is older than 6 or 7 say, she will pick this up and be unhappy about it??

and there is NOOO excuse ot be hungover when dd visits....priorities!!!!

mistressmiggins · 01/03/2007 08:36

my H lives about 3 hr (2 1/2 on good day)away from us - HIS choice and he left after an affair.

he comes up once a fortnight - once for a day visit where he takes the children out for the day - following fortnight he comes up Friday teatime & takes them back to his house til Sunday afternoon

I dont share the driving because
a) I feel swapping in a service station is not nice
b) my one weekend is my precious time - might sound selfish but as ex lives so far away, I get no support/help the rest of the time

I offered him to come every weekend - he chose not to.

my children are 2 1/2 & nrly 5 and I feel a long journey once a month is enough.

HTH

Bugsy2 · 01/03/2007 09:28

I don't think that it is unreasonable for him to want to see his daughter more often, but you do need to work out the journey so that it works for everyone & particularly your DD.
My ex-H would try anything to lighten his load. We only live half an hour away from each other & he still tries to get me to meet him half way!!!!
How about he sees her every 3 weeks? I think given the distances involved it is not altogether unreasonable to meet half way if there is a suitable service station. However, I wouldn't agree to this initially. Also check some route maps & see if you can find a service station where the half-way is a shorter half for you!

Pann · 01/03/2007 09:37

FWIW, my dd lives approx. 10 mins away - but still, it takes a lot of very well intentioned work and prioritising to establish balances that all are happy with. it works for dd and us, but i imagine such extra distances would be a different challenge to meet.

chipkid · 01/03/2007 09:46

hi there

I think there is some scope for negotiation here. I am assuming that your dd is of school age. Weekends involving 8 hour trips is not in her interests imo.
However there are long school holidays where the journey is clearly worthwhile-so she gets to spend time with the paternal family and also sees her dad in his environment.
I would suggest that you compromise on holidays and try and meet somewhere to lessent the travel for him. However you are in my view being reasonable to say that weeknd contact during term time should occur in your area.

On another point-You shoud make it clear to your ex that his comments to dd are in fact causing her distress and ask him to deisit. Your DD does not need to be burdened with the reason for her parents separating. That is between the two of you. You should ask him to respect that. She is his daughter not his confidante when he is feeling upset.
Hope this helps.

mjsnorkle · 01/03/2007 14:12

DD is 8 and I'm not sure whether it's fair to ask her opinion. Last time she came back from his she seemed soooo glad to be home and said she never wants to go away again. Don't know wheter that is what she thought I want to hear. I really want her to maintain a good relationship with him but it is hard when he refuses to discuss it. Also no maintanence for months as he recons i "don't need it". Really trying to be reasonable for dd's sake. Sorry to witter on, thanks for all your comments.

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chipkid · 01/03/2007 20:35

no maintenance? take him to the CSA and quick. Shister! I have changed my view-no maintenance-no meeting half-way. You cannot afford the petrol!
This makes my bloood boil for you
Big higsXX

Bugsy2 · 02/03/2007 10:00

No maintenance! Its not about you needing it, it is about him being a responsible parent & contributing to his daughter's upkeep! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
I think there is room for negotiation on lots of issues here!
Talk to solicitor or CAB and CSA now.

mjsnorkle · 02/03/2007 17:43

Have tried CAB, CSA, lawyer etc but he just does'nt respond. He is self employed and has managed to get his accounts to look pathetic in spite of living very comfortably. I know it sounds mad but the money is'nt even my priority atm. Just want him to behave in a way that wont mess up dd for life. Latest development: he got the woman he left me for to phone me and have a go at me!!! Not sure why she thinks she can take the moral high ground but I felt a bit shaken up after.

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Pann · 02/03/2007 18:14

mjs - it sounds a really unsatisfactory state if affairs. Though am glad that dd is not pressurising for more access, though understanding how he behaves, then it isn't surprising she votes the way she does.

Must admit a hardening attitude coming over me when reading of no maintenance and dishonesty to avoid it. Where does he think his responsibilites start and end?????

Pann · 02/03/2007 18:15

sorry - it's bugger all to do with the daft bint. You have no need to entertain her at all, no?

mjsnorkle · 02/03/2007 19:15

Thanks pann, last comment made me laugh, not as much as silly bint though. Now that I've calmed down I realise that she was basically trying to threaten me. She told me that she is going to pay for him to take me to court. Don't think he has a leg to stand on though. The best bit is she does'nt know that he has another gf now. HAHAHAHA

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chipkid · 03/03/2007 00:59

has the silly bint any idea of how much it will cost to take you to Court?
not sure she wold be so generous if she did!

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