Dad wants contact.... it's been over 5 years

[reindeerbitesback]

I fell pregnant at university after a one night stand with someone who turned out to be 16 (I know, I know). I gave the dad a complete free pass; no expectations for contact/help/money/etc and left it at that. I haven't heard from him since. His mum has contact one Friday a month and is really lovely. DDs are now 5 and at school, they would have no idea who he was if they saw him on the street.

I'm more than happy for him to have contact, I just have no idea how to go about it. I don't know him at all and most certainly do not trust him. I'm also incredibly busy so don't really have time to be spending with him in order to get to know him. He's moving to London in the new year so will be close enough for, say, hour long visits. He's also starting to pay some maintenance so is at least trying to be responsible. I just can't stop looking at him like he's a child who I can't trust with my children (even though he's older now than I was when they were born).

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

[Starlight2345]

I think for the sake of your DD you need to find some time..Even if it is in soft play so he gets to know your DD and you can stay, read a mag, do some work.

Would you trust his mum to supervise contact ?


I do think though I would meet him first, ensure he understands he has to either be in or out of DD life. It will also give you time to realise he is 21 not 16 now.

[reindeerbitesback]

starlight - yes, I would trust his mum to supervise visits, but not right away. I'll absolutely make the effort to get to know him for the sake of my DDs, soft play is a great idea.

I just have no idea how to bring it up to them, they don't even ask about their dad anymore. Off to do some googling on how to approach the subject.

[Starlight2345]

wow just realised you have twins..

I can only say at 4/5 this is the time they realise they are the ones without a dad ( mine hasn't seen his dad since 3) so it is a good time when they want that.Assuming he can commit.

[reindeerbitesback]

starlight - yes I do! That's a good point, I really hope he can commit for them now. I won't tolerate him being flaky.

[queenofthebucket]

Hi reindeer, when my ds was nearly six his dad wanted to restart contact after a 3 year break. I would agree with starlight it is just the time they realise they don't see their dad.

Can you make time to meet with him without the dd's to sound him out - get to know him a bit and get an idea of his plans ? I would definitely go with a softly softly approach.
I know you said you don't have a lot of time but this is so important to get right I think. I think its great he is starting to pay and taking an interest.