Visiting my elderly parents,my brother always there.Please Read.

[lukeymom]

I'll try to keep this short and to the point. My brother still lives with our parents and is in his 40's. He doesn't't work ,hasn't had a job in years. He lacks confidence ,has no mates, has never had a girlfriend.He has had epilepsy since a child but it has been controlled for years through the right medication. But he and my parents use his condition as a reason not to work. He drives a car and had done since he was a teenager. He is immature for his age and has learning difficulties in that he finds alot of simple things difficult to do. Although he lives at home he has never cooked a meal in his life, never done any diy,never done any gardening. Our parents are elderly ,My mom can't get about anymore, so she sends my brother to do the shopping with a list most days. My dad cooks for my brother every single day.Basicly treats him like a child.My brother is 44,my dad is 82. This really annoys me. Although my dad moans sometimes that he is sick of cooking every night and I tell him to teach my brother to cook then,he tells me no he can't cook. Even to put a pizza in the oven he won't do.He tells my dad to do it and he goes to his bed room to wait for it. Then he has to do him tea afterwards. Basically he has room service everyday and its been like this all the time,there's been no change from since he was a child. My dad sometimes finds it hard mowing the lawn because he has a bad knee,but my brother never offers to do it for him.Or cut the hedge he will never offer to help. His bedroom is a complete mess too and has never thought of cleaning it or decorating it. He tries to get a job but always finds excuses when applying,saying it's too complicated.Then says he wants a local job and not a job more than a few miles away. If at times my parents annoy him he will shout and get angry and say he wants to leave and get a flat.He's been saying that for years but he's never done anything about it. He has no money,no savings and all the years he's had a car he has had to have my parents help him financially. They don't have much money themselves. Also my brother has been taking out credit cards and even though he had run up debts once and asked my parents to help him out,which they did.He has now run up debts again. Apparently he's been buying cheap broken phones off ebay and run up a debt of £300. Now my parents have paid that off as well because he got really stressed about it.He is vulnerable and cannot handle money.He hasn't got a clue. He has even been going to the cash point and leaving his money in the machine,losing it. It nearly happened a 3rd time but a lady happened to notice and tell him. The annoying thing is they tell him to get their pension money out for them every week.How can they trust him with their money? He will lose theirs one day.
Having said all that,my biggest worry at the moment is his slight expressiveness over my two boys who are 4 and 8. We don't live far from my parents basicly 1/4 mile away.They live in a house and we live in a flat . I lived there when I had my first son and it took months before I found a rented flat because the council wouldn't help me. My brother at the time had been in trouble with a family he got involved with and ended up in court .Basicly judge told him to sort his life out,get a job and mix with people his own age basicly. There used to be arguments in the house and he was forever losing his temper even threatening our parents,but because they always feel sorry for him they done nothing. I used to feel desperate at times to get out but I had no where to go. He told me once that if I ever got a flat that I wasn't going to take my son with me. He used to argue on me about my son like he was his.Life was he'll for me at home.
After a few years I was lucky to get a flat privately. My life was looking up. After a few years more years I was having my 2nd child with my ex. Although we aren't together he still contacts me occasionally but we cannot live together . We live in our flat but we have no garden ,but at the house there is a garden and also a field.My son's have their bikes there and cosy coupi car. We also still have our old room still and so some weekends we stay there.Basicly fir a change of scene. Or we visit for a few hours after school .After all my boys need to see their grandparent and my eldest who is 8 loves to see his grand dad. Now every time we are there my brother (their uncle) is there,either sitting on the sofa of stuck in his room. The thing is he behaves like a big kid when my kids are there.As I said before he is immature for his age and acts more like a teenager than a 44 year old. He drives a car and all these years since he has been driving all he does is drive around the streets aimlessly. He drives to the shops but will drive for hours around the streets.Many years ago he would take children in his car round the corner just because they asked him to,then he'd take them to the shop for sweets just because they asked him.Their parents would talk and it would be stopped. Some years later he got involved with a family who were trouble makers and would rob money off him but he'd still see them.There were young kids in the family and it got to the stage where the one mom would tell him to take her kids out because they got on her nerves.He spent several years taking them out in his car going to buy sweets and picking them up from school sometimes.There was constantly phone calls to my parents house calling my brother names and asking for money. This was when I lived there.Sometimes there would be phone calls in the night and I'd answer and they'd call my brother horrible names.Then they'd start calling me names.I had no idea who they were.I would be upset.Many times the police was involved but my brother would still go and spend time with the family.He couldn't keep away.If my mom told him to stay away he would threaten her. Anyway things happened where he had to ho to court.My dad had to help him through it.This was 7 years ago.
Now his life hasn't really moved on in that he is still at him being waited on and clinging to my kids.Believe it or not my dad thinks they are like friends to my brother. When we are there he sometimes takes them to the park which is ok.But he has been out and laughing at disabled people or coloured people and making my boys laugh to. They have told me and think he is hilarious. I tell them not to. He has taken them out in their little cosi coupi car,my 8 year old sits on the top.He pushes them around the streets and over the road and sometimes he falls over. Sometimes I have said to stay out the front where I can see them as I was cooking their dinner.Then find he pushed them along the streets to the park.Their dinner has been cold.When I have said something afterwards he has argued on me and said to keep my kids away from him in future.Weeks go by then he takes them out again because my son's asks him to.The other week he pushed them down some concrete steps and my 4 yr old fell out his car and banged his head up. Also he is forever buying them ice creams.It's ok but if they are going to eat and I say no not now.They will get upset and my brother says he must buy them one to keep them happy. He thinks he can do anything he wants with my kids and takes no notice .But also my mom always takes his side and agrees with him.She never sees my side.It makes me argue with her sometimes.
We had a week's holidays this summer which was great.When we arrived back.We visited the next day.My brother cornered my 4 year old in the hall way and I over heard him tell my son that he missed him.He said he missed hugging him. I secretly told my mom and she said he likes to pick him up and swing him round.But he said he missed hugging him.I didn't like that but have kept quiet about it. He was out with my boys one day pushing them around the block several times win their toy car.I even over heard him say he wanted to go round again.My son's didn't want to but he made them.I told my dad at the time but my dad said its because he has no friends and they are like friends to him. If my kids play up he will say to them,if you don't stop it I won't be your friend anymore.It gets me angry .My son's even can him by his name and not uncle. I hate this.
Last week my 4 year old kept wetting himself at school and I had to keep going in to change him.On the fourth day I was out at a job interview.When I cam home I had a phone call from my brother he said my son had been sent home because he fell asleep.My brother went to pick him up.He stopped and got him sweets on the way back.My boy was fins when I went to my parent's house,nothing wrong with him.I was annoyed that the school sent him home. My brother was chuffed that he was Able to pick him up,but the thing I never want is my boys going out with my brother in his car. Taking kids out in his car is what he loves given the chance. I always had it in my mind that one day he will ask to take them out. My son's have for weeks hanging about his car which is parked on the road.He drives back from the shop and they stand by the gutter waiting for him.Then they sit in the passenger seat while he plays pop songs.They keep going on about the songs he plays and hos they like them.The other weekend I looked out the window and as He pulled up my 4yr old grabbed onto the car .He could have had an accident.My 8 yr old told me he has done this alot.This is dangerous. The other night we were going home ,my kids waited outside as I was coming out house my brother quickly pulled up gave them a chocolate bar each and drove off quickly. I asked if they asked him for one but they say said no.
Now it's come to a head where he has now started asking to take my 8 yr old in his car. Last weekend I was doing some washing helping my mom as well.Suddenly dad wanted something from Argos, a microwave. As usual j have to order it because no one has a clue.I chose one,ordered it.They asked my brother to collect it. He come out his room where my 8 yr old was with him.He asked if my sin could go with him.He's been there alone before and has gone with my dad.But no he wanted my son to go. I told him no. I don't want him to start going out alone in his car.I said once he starts he will want to keep going out with him and he will keep wanting to take him.Because I said no.He started getting angry. He said if the school phones up the house to collect my other son he will not pick him up in future.Also he said to keep my boys away from him.My son ran out the back crying and my brother heard him.My dad went with him to get the microwave.In the meantime I told my mom the reasons why I don't want my son being out in the car with him. I want my son to grow up to do well, get a good job .If he starts going in my brothers car he will be led astray.When he leaves school he will just want to hang about the streets and driving in my brothers car. I can see it happening if I let it. Now my mom has taken my brothers side again says I must hate my brother and I am always running him down. My brother says to keep them away from him again.My mom never sees my side.I haven't been to the house in 4 days. I hate every time we visit my brother is always there.I wished he would get a job and get his own place but he never will. Yet my kids need to see their grand parents.Also if we don't go there one week my brother always asks where we have been and that he tells my boys he has missed them. Is this normal? Thanks for reading all this.

[fittedcupboard]

I'd suggest you post that again with paragraphs and shorten it a bit if you want many replies

[BIWI]

Why shouldn't your brother be there? That's his house and where he lives!

He's your children's uncle, and he loves them. But if you think he's not properly in charge of them, or they're unsafe with him, then all you do is say no.

I'm sorry but I can't really see what your issue is, beyond the fact that you obviously don't like your own brother very much

[FruitCider]

I stopped reading halfway through as the lack of paragraphs hurt my eyes. Sorry.

Why on earth are you berating your disabled brother? You do realise he is childlike because he has a learning difficulty?

[AnyTheWiser]

I don't know where to start... please protect your children, and don't leave them with people that don't understand safety and appropriate boundaries.

[lukeymom]

You tell me just to say no.The issue is that whenever I say no he gets angry .My brother brother is possessive over children. He gets too attached to them.Thinks they are his friends.

[lukeymom]

Do you also think it ok,when one time he stormed into our bedroom one night before I got a flat.Me and my young son shared a room. My brother wad arguing on my mom,he come upstairs and shouting.He was telling me what she said to him, I said to be quiet as my child was waking up.He then stormed in our room and told me told me to shut up else he will make me shut up.This was about 5 years ago.I got upset and couldn't believe it. He kept shouting and he went downstairs to continue the row.I gout of bed and was shaking.I got me and my boy dressed.It was 10pm and I had no choice but to book a room in a travel lodge.I had the flue as well,I will never forget that night. He don't are what he does or says. This is just one example of how he is .

[SpeakNoWords]

You hav to break this pattern of unhealthy behaviour for the benefit of your children. Don't let your brother take the children out on his own. If he gets angry then leave and go home.

I would also start disengaging from him by not leaving the children's bikes there. If they want to ride them, is there a local park you could go to instead? I would also stop staying there with the children, and just visit for shorter periods of time. Don't ask your brother to collect your children from school, and you can let school know that only you should be picking up the children, never anyone else.

You are in control of who your children interact with, and how they do so. If your brother isn't capable of understanding how to be appropriate and safe around your children, then your job is to protect them.

[Gingernaut]

I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

My brother still lives with our parents and is in his 40's. He doesn't work ,hasn't had a job in years.

He lacks confidence ,has no mates, has never had a girlfriend. He has had epilepsy since a child but it has been controlled for years through the right medication. But he and my parents use his condition as a reason not to work. He drives a car and had done since he was a teenager.

He is immature for his age and has learning difficulties in that he finds alot of simple things difficult to do. Although he lives at home he has never cooked a meal in his life, never done any diy,never done any gardening.

Our parents are elderly ,My mom can't get about anymore, so she sends my brother to do the shopping with a list most days. My dad cooks for my brother every single day.Basicly treats him like a child.

My brother is 44,my dad is 82. This really annoys me.

Although my dad moans sometimes that he is sick of cooking every night and I tell him to teach my brother to cook then,he tells me no he can't cook.

Even to put a pizza in the oven he won't do.He tells my dad to do it and he goes to his bed room to wait for it. Then he has to do him tea afterwards. Basically he has room service everyday and its been like this all the time,there's been no change from since he was a child.

My dad sometimes finds it hard mowing the lawn because he has a bad knee,but my brother never offers to do it for him.Or cut the hedge he will never offer to help.

His bedroom is a complete mess too and has never thought of cleaning it or decorating it. He tries to get a job but always finds excuses when applying,saying it's too complicated.Then says he wants a local job and not a job more than a few miles away.

If at times my parents annoy him he will shout and get angry and say he wants to leave and get a flat.He'sn saying that for years but he's never done anything about it. He has no money,no savings and all the years he's had a car he has had to have my parents help him financially. They don't have much money themselves.

Also my brother has been taking out credit cards and even though he had run up debts once and asked my parents to help him out,which they did.He has now run up debts again. Apparently he's been buying cheap broken phones off ebay and run up a debt of £300.

Now my parents have paid that off as well because he got really stressed about it.He is vulnerable and cannot handle money.He hasn't got a clue. He has even been going to the cash point and leaving his money in the machine,losing it. It nearly happened a 3rd time but a lady happened to notice and tell him. The annoying thing is they tell him to get their pension money out for them every week.How can they trust him with their money? He will lose theirs one day.

Having said all that,my biggest worry at the moment is his slight expressiveness over my two boys who are 4 and 8. We don't live far from my parents basicly 1/4 mile away.They live in a house and we live in a flat . I lived there when I had my first son and it took months before I found a rented flat because the council wouldn't help me.

My brother at the time had been in trouble with a family he got involved with and ended up in court .Basicly judge told him to sort his life out,get a job and mix with people his own age basicly. There used to be arguments in the house and he was forever losing his temper even threatening our parents,but because they always feel sorry for him they done nothing.

I used to feel desperate at times to get out but I had no where to go. He told me once that if I ever got a flat that I wasn't going to take my son with me. He used to argue on me about my son like he was his.Life was he'll for me at home.

After a few years I was lucky to get a flat privately. My life was looking up. After a few years more years I was having my 2nd child with my ex. Although we aren't together he still contacts me occasionally but we cannot live together .

We live in our flat but we have no garden ,but at the house there is a garden and also a field.My son's have their bikes there and cosy coupi car. We also still have our old room still and so some weekends we stay there.Basicly fir a change of scene. Or we visit for a few hours after school .After all my boys need to see their grandparent and my eldest who is 8 loves to see his grand dad.

Now every time we are there my brother (their uncle) is there,either sitting on the sofa of stuck in his room. The thing is he behaves like a big kid when my kids are there.As I said before he is immature for his age and acts more like a teenager than a 44 year old.

He drives a car and all these years since he has been driving all he does is drive around the streets aimlessly. He drives to the shops but will drive for hours around the streets.Many years ago he would take children in his car round the corner just because they asked him to,then he'd take them to the shop for sweets just because they asked him.Their parents would talk and it would be stopped.

Some years later he got involved with a family who were trouble makers and would rob money off him but he'd still see them.There were young kids in the family and it got to the stage where the one mom would tell him to take her kids out because they got on her nerves.He spent several years taking them out in his car going to buy sweets and picking them up from school sometimes.

There was constantly phone calls to my parents house calling my brother names and asking for money. This was when I lived there.Sometimes there would be phone calls in the night and I'd answer and they'd call my brother horrible names.Then they'd start calling me names.I had no idea who they were.I would be upset.

Many times the police was involved but my brother would still go and spend time with the family.He couldn't keep away.If my mom told him to stay away he would threaten her. Anyway things happened where he had to ho to court.My dad had to help him through it.This was 7 years ago.

Now his life hasn't really moved on in that he is still at him being waited on and clinging to my kids.Believe it or not my dad thinks they are like friends to my brother. When we are there he sometimes takes them to the park which is ok.

But he has been out and laughing at disabled people or coloured people and making my boys laugh to. They have told me and think he is hilarious. I tell them not to.

He has taken them out in their little cosi coupi car,my 8 year old sits on the top.He pushes them around the streets and over the road and sometimes he falls over. Sometimes I have said to stay out the front where I can see them as I was cooking their dinner.Then find he pushed them along the streets to the park.Their dinner has been cold.

When I have said something afterwards he has argued on me and said to keep my kids away from him in future.Weeks go by then he takes them out again because my son's asks him to.The other week he pushed them down some concrete steps and my 4 yr old fell out his car and banged his head up.

Also he is forever buying them ice creams.It'sbut if they are going to eat and I say no not now.They will get upset and my brother says he must buy them one to keep them happy. He thinks he can do anything he wants with my kids and takes no notice .But also my mom always takes his side and agrees with him.She never sees my side.

It makes me argue with her sometimes.

We had a week's holidays this summer which was great.When we arrived back.We visited the next day.My brother cornered my 4 year old in the hall way and I over heard him tell my son that he missed him.He said he missed hugging him. I secretly told my mom and she said he likes to pick him up and swing him round.But he said he missed hugging him.I didn't like that but have kept quiet about it.

He was out with my boys one day pushing them around the block several times win their toy car.I even over heard him say he wanted to go round again.My son's didn't want to but he made them.I told my dad at the time but my dad said its because he has no friends and they are like friends to him.

If my kids play up he will say to them,if you don't stop it I won't be your friend anymore.It gets me angry .My son's even can him by his name and not uncle. I hate this.

Last week my 4 year old kept wetting himself at school and I had to keep going in to change him.On the fourth day I was out at a job interview.

When I cam home I had a phone call from my brother he said my son had been sent home because he fell asleep.My brother went to pick him up.He stopped and got him sweets on the way back.

My boy was fins when I went to my parent's house,nothing wrong with him.I was annoyed that the school sent him home. My brother was chuffed that he was Able to pick him up,but the thing I never want is my boys going out with my brother in his car.

Taking kids out in his car is what he loves given the chance. I always had it in my mind that one day he will ask to take them out. My son's have for weeks hanging about his car which is parked on the road.

He drives back from the shop and they stand by the gutter waiting for him.Then they sit in the passenger seat while he plays pop songs.They keep going on about the songs he plays and hos they like them.

The other weekend I looked out the window and as He pulled up my 4yr old grabbed onto the car .He could have had an accident.My 8 yr old told me he has done this alot.This is dangerous.

The other night we were going home ,my kids waited outside as I was coming out house my brother quickly pulled up gave them a chocolate bar each and drove off quickly. I asked if they asked him for one but they say said no.

Now it's come to a head where he has now started asking to take my 8 yr old in his car. Last weekend I was doing some washing helping my mom as well.

Suddenly dad wanted something from Argos, a microwave. As usual j have to order it because no one has a clue.I chose one,ordered it.They asked my brother to collect it. He come out his room where my 8 yr old was with him.He asked if my sin could go with him. He'sn there alone before and has gone with my dad.

But no he wanted my son to go. I told him no. I don't want him to start going out alone in his car.I said once he starts he will want to keep going out with him and he will keep wanting to take him.

Because I said no.He started getting angry. He said if the school phones up the house to collect my other son he will not pick him up in future.Also he said to keep my boys away from him.My son ran out the back crying and my brother heard him.

My dad went with him to get the microwave.In the meantime I told my mom the reasons why I don't want my son being out in the car with him. I want my son to grow up to do well, get a good job .If he starts going in my brothers car he will be led astray.When he leaves school he will just want to hang about the streets and driving in my brothers car. I can see it happening if I let it.

Now my mom has taken my brothers side again says I must hate my brother and I am always running him down. My brother says to keep them away from him again.

My mom never sees my side.I haven't been to the house in 4 days. I hate every time we visit my brother is always there.I wished he would get a job and get his own place but he never will.

Yet my kids need to see their grand parents.Also if we don't go there one week my brother always asks where we have been and that he tells my boys he has missed them.

Is this normal? Thanks for reading all this.

I hope this helps someone to help you.

[lukeymom]

I know it is long and some words the auto correctness have set in.Read as much as you can please.

[Fairylea]

Would you agree your brother has learning difficulties? It sounds like you aren't sure. If he does then this may mean he isn't capable of working for many different reasons and his seemingly immature and voliatile behaviours may be part of that. He may be quite childlike in his responses and wanting to be close to your children. He may actually see them as peers. Just putting that out there. (My son has severe learning difficulties and functions at half his chronological age).

However, you do have a duty to protect your own children. I think you are entitled to say you don't want them going out in the car with him but maybe you could make it because you don't have enough time when you visit, not because of his erratic behaviour. I would also reconsider your view that your brothers behaviour will rub off on your children, disabilities aren't contagious and you can explain to your children as they get older that your brother is different because he needs extra support and help to function, that's why he can't work and lives with your parents.

[Ratbagcatbag]

It sounds completely inappropriate to me, but he's not going to change. You need to take control. If your parents constantly side with him, then no, your children do not need someone in their lives that undermines you. Invite your parents to yours for dinner, stop going around and staying over. Remove him off the emergency contacts list for school. If you do visit and he starts, stand up to him, if he shouts, leave, you do not need to be shouted at as an adult. It sounds really really unhealthy to me.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

Your brother has learning difficulties, that much is clear from your post.
He sounds trusting and child-like.
It doesn't sound like he could live an independent life outside of the bit of freedom he has from driving.
It's hard to understand why you're so angry with him.
If you feel that it's putting too much on your parents or that he might be putting himself or others in danger then it might be right to reach out for some external support. Has he had any contact with any agencies in the past? They may be able to offer your parents some support and maybe even help your brother live a more independent life. I suspect he's very lonely.

[NerrSnerr]

It's your responsibility to keep your children safe so if you don't want him taking your children out in the car then say no. If he or your parents are emergency contacts at the school then take them off and just have you and your ex.

It sounds like he has LD but your parents have also not let him do anything for himself. I can imagine it will be extremely difficult for him to get a job now. If him being there when you visit a problem I would invite your parents to yours.

[lukeymom]

Thanks everyone. First of all he isn't on the contact list at school.My dad is. My dad has a weak knee but he can walk so far.My mom is virtually houseebound,so she cannot come to our flat as she can't climb stairs.It's a mainsonette,no lift.
My brother hasn't been diagnosed with learning difficulties,but he was bottom of class at school.Learned to read late.Cannot do simple things like cooking,ironing, applying for jobs,sending emails even though I've shown him lots of times.Hasn't a clue about money.Cannot shop for clothes or toiletries himself.My parents have done everything for him. He can't maintain his car himself ,my dad has to check it for him and pay fir most things. He gets into debt and they keep bailing him out.Then he shouts at them if they interfer by asking questions.
My mom tells me herself he has problems and it started from when he was born with lack of oxygen. She tells me it is ashame for him but she has never helped him or my dad.My mom has never contacted any associations for help. She has told me I need to be there for him. My dad even suggested one time that we get a house together,but I got offended and said no way.
I told my mom I have my own problems and my children to look after.I cannot look after my brother. They've never encouraged him to do anything positive. In a way they have held him back.

[PatSajack]

Regardless of the reasons for your brother's behavior, your number one responsibility is your children. If what you have said is accurate and I really can't say if that's true you are being terrifyingly negligent by allowing your children to spend time with your brother. They don't have a physical "need" to see their grandparents, NOT at the risk of being in an unsafe situation. If your parents want to see your kids, they can come to your flat or meet you at a local park. Plenty of kids survive just fine living in flats without gardens, taking their bikes to the park, and even seeing grandparents rarely or never. Plenty of kids do NOT survive fine after being abused by an older relative. You need to grow up and protect your children. That means you cannot rely on your family for anything. I know that's scary as a like mum who seems to be quite young herself but you can and must find a new support system. No decent mother would expose her children to what you have described.

I do agree that you don't seem to have much understanding of your brother's condition, and if you can help your family work through that WITHOUT letting your children anywhere near your brother, then that is fine. But sometimes family relationships are too broken and you just have too walk away.

[PatSajack]

lone mum, not like mum

[lukeymom]

I know what you are saying. What I'd like is for my brother to learn to stand on his own two feet.He seems to want to just hang about the house or driving about in his car and waiting fir us to visit.On one hand he tells me to keep my kids away from him but when we don't visit for days,maybe a week he will be on the phone asking why we haven't come round.If I say why he just says to take no notice of what he says.I shouldn't have to keep answering to him and discussing my children with him.If I tell my mom that she will pull a face and say we know they are your children,you have made it perfectly clear.
Also there is a neighbour in the road who think my children are my brothers.I'm not sure who,but one day my kids were in the street they walked down the road because my brother had drove off. A neighbour come out and asked my 8 year old if my brother was his dad,he thought a bit and said no.She told him to run up home. Now after all these years I hate thinking that someone thought he was their dad when he has never even had a relationship with anyone.Also on father's day,we visited to give my dad his cards and present. (My brother don't even buy cards for anyone let alone a present. ). We had a nice afternoon,then my brother decided to take my kids to the park in their toy car. Whilst there a lady joked and said they should be pushing their dad not him pushing them on father's day. It's just so annoying. Yes it's a misunderstanding but I'd rather people didn't think that.
I had a call from him half hour ago asking where we are.I have a cold and said we are staying away fir a bit.He kept asking why and I know it's because he wants us to go there again. I'm fed up of it.

[PikachuSayBoo]

Can you encourage your parents to contact SS to see if there's any support they can give your brother. He may not be diagnosed with learning difficulties but it sounds a strong possibility and something needs to be done to help him learn to stand on his own two feet now.

It's not normal to not be able to cook/iron at his age. It's possible it's due to laziness but from the other stuff you say maybe he needs more indepth teaching?

It needs doing now. Your parents are elderly. You don't want to be in an emergency situation in a few years time where your parents have become ill/in hospital/died and your brother can't look after himself.

[SpeakNoWords]

With the best will in the world, you can't change your brother's behaviour. He's 44 and your parents enable his behaviour rather than help him be independent. He may or may not have a learning disability, but they certainly aren't helping him make the most of what he can do.

You also sound like you're stuck in a childlike relationship with both your parents and your brother. I notice you say that your brother decided to take your children to the park, rather than that he asked and you agreed and let him. You don't have to let him do what he wants, you can say no! If he gets angry, rude or aggressive then you leave. Take back control, for your children's benefit.

I would take your dad off the contact list at school and ask them not to release your children to anyone apart from you (and your ex if that's appropriate). Your dad doesn't sound like he is really able to manage a 4 and an 8 year old.

[Fairylea]

Your brother isn't going to be independent of live alone. That much is clear. He has special needs of whatever form and it is simply beyond his capabilities. All you can change about the situation is your own response and how you manage it. Once you realise that you might feel more in control, at the minute you're waiting for him to change or for your parents to change and none of them will.

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

please protect your children, and don't leave them with people that don't understand safety and appropriate boundaries.

This is spades. I can see from your post how tired and frustrated you are by this situation and I very much empathise. It sounds incredibly draining.

In your situation I would stop going round there. Kids don't 'need' grandparents, they need safety and security. I doubt your brother means any harm but that's not the point.

Have adult social services ever been involved - after the court case maybe?

[lukeymom]

If I leave or stay away my brother starts asking why and making out I am being stupid and over reacting. Even my mom uses emotional blackmail in me.I have done alot for her over the years in the household and as she's got older she expects more,some times she moans that I'm not a good daughter to her because I haven't had the time to do this and that for her. If I stay away they will keep badgering me asking me to explain my reasons.Then she tells me I must really hate my own brother and says I'm a nasty person.I don't need that shit.
I have another younger brother who lives abroad in Switzerland with his wife.He's been gone 7 years. We are in contact regular but he has never had to put up with stuff I've had. I've told him that in the future when the inevitable happens to my parents,I will be leaving here where I live.I will move to the seaside away from here.I have nothing to keep me here.I have cousins who have moved to the seaside and its something I would have to do,it'll be like a breath of fresh air for me.x

[PikachuSayBoo]

Your brother and mum may whinge but your responsibility is to your kids. To protect them.

[SpeakNoWords]

I wonder why your brother lives in Switzerland and never comes back...

Emotional blackmail only works if you let it get to you. Simple to say, but harder to do. Once you've made your decisions then don't let them change your mind. Maybe you could suggest going round to see them once a week at an agreed time, for an hour or two. Then stick to that time only and try not to get sucked into any debate about it. The broken record trick is a useful response to emotional blackmail, just keep repeating the same phrase each time they ask. If your mum starts saying horrible things to you, try just repeating "I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." and don't back down.

[Garthmarenghi]

I would see your parents when the children are at school OP. Pop in for an hour once a week. Keep your sons safe. It's not your brother's fault that he has special needs and sees them as his friends, but it's not safe for them to spend time in the car with him. What is the plan to your brother when your parents die? Is the family home rented or owned by your parents?