Do I put him on the birth certificate?

(23 Posts)
Summer1979 Tue 13-Sep-16 14:55:19

My ex left me pregnant. Since then he has called round a few times (not interested in baby or me, just general chit chat). I try to be nice as I don't know what going on in his head.

After the initial grief of him going I am at peace with being single and realistically feel that's me done with relationships.

Is it selfish to just go and register the birth without him. I am not sure I want him in my life or babies life. He left after lots of rows re an abortion (obvs I wouldn't) He was also concerned I just wanted money from him. Not the case I work damn hard and proud to pay my way.

I do not even think he will want to 'go on' the certificate anyway but obviously just going and doing it takes that decision away. Or am I being a big selfish idiot child?

HollyBrown Tue 13-Sep-16 15:00:36

He can apply to go on at any time - make him earn it if he can't be bothered! It'll do you and baby a world of good in the long run.

RavioliOnToast Tue 13-Sep-16 15:03:15

I wish I hadn't. Worst thing I've ever done

hownottofuckup Tue 13-Sep-16 15:07:17

Well if he wants to be on it presumably he'll ask?

Fairybella Tue 13-Sep-16 15:07:28

He may step up to the mark! But also this is for your child long term... When they ask you why they don't have a father on their birth certificate.

Alternatively if he is a genuinely evil such as violent, rapist, child sex offender, murder then I can see why you wouldn't.

ninenicknames Thu 15-Sep-16 22:34:19

Are you married?

He has to be there if you are not married anyway

SharonfromEON Fri 16-Sep-16 07:54:33

For someone disinterested no I wouldn't for the simple reason it gives PR for someone disinterested. When you go abroad you need to ask his permission.

As for a kid asking when older the answer is your dad had to be there as we weren't married and he wasn't.

ninenicknames Fri 16-Sep-16 08:14:29

Agree with Sharon.

Also gives him parental rights etc

If he does change his mind it can all be done at a later date

Summer1979 Fri 16-Sep-16 16:29:38

Thanks for your views/ advice. Guess I am trying to do the right non-selfish thing but I don't want to.We were never married. He has already said I will use the baby to get his money. I won't financially I work really hard and am ok. Don't need it.

I am worried about holidays abroad and also baby being used. Just want to get over the whole ordeal and grow my lovely family alone. Thanks again. I didn't realise he could be added later, so I am thinking if he becomes a keen dad, I will offer this option.

ninenicknames Fri 16-Sep-16 17:07:34

I was in the same situation.

You're not being selfish.

Good luck!

SharonfromEON Sat 17-Sep-16 22:46:27

You can register the birth with no conversation about it.

JacquettaWoodville Sat 17-Sep-16 22:49:36

"n. I didn't realise he could be added later, so I am thinking if he becomes a keen dad, I will offer this option."

It's not exactly up to you to offer; he could apply whether you agree o not.

However, doesn't sound like he'd bother or is interested, so just go alone and if he ever wants to be added, deal with it then

lukeymom Tue 27-Sep-16 23:39:54

I didn't put my son's father on the certificate either. He wasn't interested the same. It's been 8 years now and he still contacts me,occasionally I see him but he never shows any interest in his son.He doesn't'teven pay maintenance. He tells me he cannot afford it.
I read that you can add his name at a later date and I have been contemplating having a double barrel name for my son. I know at some point I will do this.

Meadows76 Tue 27-Sep-16 23:47:55

Birth certificate is your child's identity. Please do them the common decency and name their father.

CodyKing Wed 28-Sep-16 00:03:39

I had a disinterested father - his name on my certificate means naff all

Leave him off as it's easier to add him than take away any parental rights it may give him and see how things go.

CalleighDoodle Wed 28-Sep-16 00:07:10

Leave him off. Also ignore him when he says youll use baby to get money from him. He is saying that so youll feel so guilty you wont ask for maintenance. Go theough the official channels for maintenance. He should be contributing towards his child.

ninenicknames Wed 28-Sep-16 00:13:14

Meadows - the father needs to be present if they are not married.

Shame my DS's Father didn't show common decency and actually show up to registry! Let alone the birth ........

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 00:30:11

If he really wants to be in the certificate, there is not much you can do to prevent it. Simple DNA test and he gets parental responsibility.

Which makes me think that it would be much better for you and your kid to not put him in the certificate unless he shows very clear signs to want to be involved in the long term and with sufficient regularity.

Remember, nobody checks birth certificates, if you and your kid have the same surname life would be much easier. Someway I think I announce to the world I am a single parent as soon as I mention my surname (which is different from DS's as ee don't take the husband's name in our cultures).

I know DS also struggles with carrying his Dad's surname, he has not seen him in years (dad's choice), DS thinks that he is a crap dad and he should, therefore, not be forced to carry his name. But, as children related court orders have, by default, a paragraph explaining you are NOT allowed to change the child's name until he is 18, DS cannot officially change it. everytime I hear some referring to him by my surname I just feel sad, he obviously prefers to use mine rather than his dad's but when you know all the pain that is behind that wish...

Meadows76 Wed 28-Sep-16 00:48:33

Meadows - the father needs to be present if they are not married. I didn't say otherwise

Meadows76 Wed 28-Sep-16 00:50:02

if you and your kid have the same surname life would be much easier you can have the same surname as your child AND name the father!

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 01:08:58

Yes, and you can have some years of peace by not naming him. It is not like in the olden times, not having a man's name in the certificate is no longer a stigma.

ninenicknames Wed 28-Sep-16 07:17:52

DNA test done here. He is not on the birth certificate & does not have parental rights.

I would love DS's Father to be involved, be on the birth certificate & have parental rights.

I agree I chose badly.

Mind you this is not about me.

Your child's Father can be added later.

I do agree with you Meadows, but how could I have forced DS's Father?

It makes me sad everyday

1DAD2KIDS Fri 30-Sep-16 18:20:12

Its up to you if your ex is not bothered either way. But personally I think these details are valuable from a record keeping point of view. They will show on birth records and could be important to future generations looking into their family tree or even more crucially (from a medical point of view) tracing their genetic history. For me I think its important that we help preserve a true account for future generations.

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