Threats over money again!

(29 Posts)
MozzchopsThirty Fri 09-Sep-16 21:28:56

And it makes me so sad & anxious sad

Last year exh was told to pay £25 more a month, he threatened me with court and shared care so he 'didn't have to give me a penny'
In the end I agreed for him to keep paying the same amount

Fast forward to this year and he sent me a vile text saying the CMS is just punishment for hard working men who earn good money (he earns about 4 X what I do)
So he wants us to agree a monthly figure where I set out what I spend on the kids, not on housing, petrol or anything else as he doesn't believe he has any responsibility over those things.
Then when I've done that we split it 50/50 and he'll give me that.
One of the reasons I divorced him is that he was controlling and manipulative

I don't ask for anything on top of my maintenance, I work, I'm flexible re days and holidays, and we're amicable about everything apart from money as he really begrudges me it.

This text is causing me such anxiety as I know the threats and arguing will start again

Any advice would be great thanks

clam Fri 09-Sep-16 21:42:10

I would think that the best way to minimise the attempts to control you, is to let the CMS handle payments. He's talking absolute bollocks with his "punishing men" shit, so ignore that. CMS (or whatever it's called nowadays) only ever suggests the minimum payments anyway, so he's almost certainly paying less than he should. Any amount you put forward is only going to be haggled over by him, so save yourself the angst.

Threats of court and 50:50 care are just that - threats. Ignore them. Detach yourself and try to feel bloody grateful you're no longer married to this tosser.

mineofuselessinformation Fri 09-Sep-16 21:47:47

Just, no.
Stop letting him threaten you. What can he do (seriously) ?
He's pushing your buttons because he doesn't want to pay for his kids. Time to woman up and sort it via CMS.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 09-Sep-16 21:49:00

Ok, please, please do not panic.

Keep his threatening texts.

A judge will not look favourably upon them

Keep everything through the CMO

Do not let him control you, which is exactly what he is trying to do!

You are a strong independent woman and the CMO exists to protect you from people like your ex!!!!

MozzchopsThirty Fri 09-Sep-16 21:57:06

He says 'normal' divorced couples handle it themselves
Calls the CMS 'ridiculous'

I've been stressed for days now and dreaming about it

He never threatens me on a text he's far too clever for that
The shared care was threatened during a phone call

youarenotkiddingme Fri 09-Sep-16 22:08:18

You need to be cleverer.

Just text to inform him in advance you ate asking csa for a re calculation.

If he calls you screen shot the call which will log time and make sure you text him back to show its in response of call to clarify that he meant if csa increases his payments he'll apply for shared care?

Don't back down to threats.

Alternatively reply with as you want shared care in response to my informing you about csa update which 3 days do you want this week and what 4 next week?
Again it's all evidence even when if if doesn't happen.

clam Fri 09-Sep-16 22:15:52

But you're clearly not a 'normal' divorcing couple, as his behaviour is bullying and unpleasant, which means you have no alternative but to take professional advice. Tell him this.

MozzchopsThirty Sat 10-Sep-16 07:18:34

You're right but he doesn't see it like that

Is there a guideline anywhere on what child maintenance should be for? So I can present it to him

clam Sat 10-Sep-16 08:10:39

Look, just because he thinks something and says it, in a belligerent tone, doesn't mean he's right.

AyeAmarok Sat 10-Sep-16 08:28:23

Child maintenance is for the day to day costs of raising a child.

So housing, heating it, feeding them, keeping DC warm, clothing, childcare, paying for and getting to activities.

He doesn't get to decide that he doesn't "have any responsibility for those things" shock And anyway, the law says otherwise.

He's trying to bully you. Let the CMS handle it and stop accepting calls. Text/email only.

Inthebathprobably Sat 10-Sep-16 08:34:50

You don't need to reason or discuss with him.

Start a CMS claim.

I wouldn't talk to him on the phone.

I would send him an email and say that from now on you will only communicate via text /email unless there is an emergency.

You do not have to take his shit anymore.

Do not allow him into your head to cause you anxiety.

(I know all above is easy to say but just take small steps to work towards it)

AyeAmarok Sat 10-Sep-16 08:43:26

Also, his idea to take a load of day-to-day costs out of the equation and then split the rest 50/50 with you hmm. No.

A child has a right to be supported in a way that is relative to how much their parents earn. If he earns 4 times your salary, his children (his own flesh and blood that he helped bring into the world and loves and cares about...) should be able to have a childhood commensurate with their father's earnings.

CMS is a paltry figure anyway!

MozzchopsThirty Sat 10-Sep-16 09:55:20

Thank you all for great replies

I just don't have the nerve to say I'm not going to discuss it, it will create a shit storm and threats of shared care
I just want a peaceful life, I'm not interested in arguing

abbsismyhero Sat 10-Sep-16 09:58:21

go to a solicitor and find out your rights report the threats to the police

AyeAmarok Sat 10-Sep-16 11:05:13

I just don't have the nerve to say I'm not going to discuss it, it will create a shit storm and threats of shared care
I just want a peaceful life, I'm not interested in arguing

With all the kindest in the world (and flowers, because I know the effect a controlling relationship can have and leaves on you), this isn't about you. You need to do it for your DC. It's their legal right.

Legally, their father needs to financially support them with at least the minimum amount of child support. Don't condone the message that their father wants to give them that they aren't even worth that.

If you don't "need" the money, save it for them when they're older, or when you do. They'll thank you for it. smile

And shared care, pah! They all say that. But the reality of school drop-offs twice a day and wrap around care (if he works FT?) means that he's not likely to even want it, let alone get it. So don't panic.

SharonfromEON Sat 10-Sep-16 11:07:34

Can I tell you of an ex who was also abusive..Part of what he loved over the separation was his the argument the winding me up.

The reason for going through the CMS in this case is to reduce the conflict.. The calculation is £300 a year he is underpaying..Imagine what you could do for your child with that kind of money.

He legally is required to support his child and the calculation is based on the legal minimum.

There is no point trying to discuss it with him as you are trying to argue reason with someone not interested in reason.. Do you really want him looking how you spend every penny.. You put £2 a day down for school dinners ..He says on holiday that week don't need to pay for school dinners...Shop more effectively it doesn't cost that much to feed child., approval for every club you want to take your child to..That is where it is heading.

You think you haven't got nerve..It may create a shit storm short term but it will get you that peaceful life.. This is about he still thinks he can do what he wants. The shared care is that a threat. He knows its not what you want.

I started hanging up on ex when he started ranting at me down the phone and would switch my phone off so he couldn't call back... Some of this wanting a peaceful life does require you to stand up to him...He is a bully and bullies continue while they can...

If he wanted shared care he would of already applied for it..He doesn't

imwithspud Sat 10-Sep-16 11:23:38

I agree he is a bully. Go through CMS, he is really giving you no choice and it's disgusting that he's using money for his children as a way to try and control you. You don't need to justify to him how you use the money but he needs to man up and pay for his children.

Keep any texts and make a record of any phone calls, if you do end up in court it's unlikely he will get what he wants anyway. He sounds vile.

MozzchopsThirty Sat 10-Sep-16 13:41:23

Thank you smile you're all right he was and still is a bully
He's the only man I know who got divorced and lives in a bigger and better house than our marital home hmm
I just don't want the children unsettled. We've been apart for 3 and a half years and they've adjusted incredibly well because their routines are kept very stable

MozzchopsThirty Sun 11-Sep-16 18:19:34

So I plucked up the courage and told him
I'd like payments to remain through the CMS

his reply was that he felt it was a stigma and made him feel like a shit dad

His latest solution is that we pay an equal amount into an account monthly for the kids

I haven't replied

I also found a text where he said 'I'm not finding your lifestyle! I know how much children cost'

AyeAmarok Sun 11-Sep-16 18:25:54

his reply was that he felt it was a stigma and made him feel like a shit dad

"Not paying the legal minimum for your children would make you a shit dad. But I'd be a shit mum if I didn't ensure they were getting what they are legally entitled to, so that's what I'm doing, and doing it officially".

Actually, no reply and then continue through the CMS is better.

hownottofuckup Sun 11-Sep-16 18:30:24

Just don't reply and keep it through CMS. If he isn't paying the full amount let them know, if they end up having to take it directly from him to pay to you it will only cost you a little bit, and him more!

SharonfromEON Sun 11-Sep-16 18:33:59

I also wouldn't reply..This is part of control CMS all the way..You have informed him...Any response will be another attempt to coerce you...

You pay an equal amount into the account...Bet you he would want access to it to take him out for a meal , pay for this pay for that...What when electric bill comes?

Maintenance is for you to determine best way to spend it...For some people they do indeed put it in an account, for some they save it for extra ciricular activities, for some it helps to pay to put a meal on the table...I only get £5 a week so take no notice of it what so ever. These are YOUR decisions to make not his...

Oh and by the way arguing the toss about paying legal minimum doesn't make him dad of the year does it?

GettingScaredNow Sun 11-Sep-16 18:49:36

I've been fortunate in one respect cos my STBXH needs a visa to stay in the uk and as its related to the DC he needs to show proof that he is laying the minimum maintenance payments weekly and on time. So I don't have this issue of arguing about it.

However, he has asked what I spend it on, saying its his contribution towards the kids and he doesn't want me enjoying it at their expense. I told him to shove that idea up his arse. It's none of his business.
Sort of explained that I would use as much lighting, heating, oven use, hot water etc etc if it weren't for the kids. But he cut me off by pointing at a new handbag (which I had actually gotten using a code stack and was like £10 instead of £45) and he stated he didn't give me money so I could shop.
I closed the door in his face.

He has threatened to go for shared care and all that stuff and he threatens court from time to time and each time I say 'excellent. I don't have a solicitor yet but get yours to write to me directly and then I'll find one'.
Hasn't happened yet.

Stay firm. He is being a shit dad by trying to pay less. Let him. What can he really do?

imwithspud Sun 11-Sep-16 19:18:52

Maybe there wouldn't be a 'stigma ' attached to CMS if fathers actually paid what they are supposed to for their children. That line is yet another way of trying to manipulate and control you.

As is the putting money into an account idea. It's complicated. It's much easier to have all the money in one pot rather than pissing about with different bank accounts to pay for different things.

Stay strong and don't let him control you! All you have to do is ensure the kids have everything they need, that should be more than enough evidence to him that you are spending the maintenance money appropriately.

GettingScaredNow Sun 11-Sep-16 19:34:39

I've been fortunate in one respect cos my STBXH needs a visa to stay in the uk and as its related to the DC he needs to show proof that he is laying the minimum maintenance payments weekly and on time. So I don't have this issue of arguing about it.

However, he has asked what I spend it on, saying its his contribution towards the kids and he doesn't want me enjoying it at their expense. I told him to shove that idea up his arse. It's none of his business.
Sort of explained that I would use as much lighting, heating, oven use, hot water etc etc if it weren't for the kids. But he cut me off by pointing at a new handbag (which I had actually gotten using a code stack and was like £10 instead of £45) and he stated he didn't give me money so I could shop.
I closed the door in his face.

He has threatened to go for shared care and all that stuff and he threatens court from time to time and each time I say 'excellent. I don't have a solicitor yet but get yours to write to me directly and then I'll find one'.
Hasn't happened yet.

Stay firm. He is being a shit dad by trying to pay less. Let him. What can he really do?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now