who best to talk to about the effect my ex is having on dd

[pirategirl]

HI, I've psoted b4. Have tried in vain to be reasonable for 2 yrs.
dd 4, more and more anxious and upset going to his place.
He has no understanding at all of what she might be feeling.
Got to point now that stress is making me ill, her unhappy, deep down depressed almost.
His partner is not helping the sitch, and upset dd, commenting that dd was not being kind, in saying she doesnt like her dad.
WTF
WHy dont they see why that might be??
Dd is v upset by this comment.
I left it, but confronted ex, cos dd was asking me too, and i felt i owed it to her. He took no responsibility, and said, if dd is upset its her fault not the partners.

I am really afraid for my dd wellbeing, mentally, and emotionally.

who can I talk too.

please help.

[MissGolightly]

I don't have any advice but just a bump for you.

What are you wanting to talk about - legal stuff about witholding access? Or counselling?

[glitterfairy]

I think you need some legal help here pirategirl. Talk to a solicitor and discuss your options. Do you have an agreed contact order?

[pirategirl]

I have spoken to my counsellor, who has given me the number for social services, to try and get some advice.
With my solicitor, she has left and has been replaced by a new one who is handling the divorce.
There is no contact order in place. Only an agreed letter stating times to see dd.
My counsellor is adamant that litle ones do have rights, and that if she really doesnt wnat o go then I should not make her, then see what he does.
If I say she doesnt have to go, the sunsequently when she has to, I will just have to explain that its not mummy who is makingher go its the courts,or dad.

She has gone this weekend, didnt want to, but I was desp for the break. As I am under stress needed time out to think about all this.
If I take that sort of legal step, it will be something i will have to have strength for.
I cant change my ex's attitude, I just pray she might have a better weekend.
It could allbe so easy if he would open his eyes.
Sometimes think his new partenr is rather a forceful influence. What do you think?

[AMAZINWOMAN]

i'm not sure what the answer is, but maybe if you contact gingerbread, one parent families and parentline they may have a suggestion.

with men, nothing is ever their fault!! he may also find it difficult seeing your dd adapting to being a parent can be just as hae as being with them all he time! but ou have been very patient with him-does he know that you are considering stopping access for dd's sake!! hopefuully that wil be kick up backside that he needs?

[glitterfairy]

Pirategirl there is some good advice here but I would certainly seek the advice of your solicitor.

If he ever goes for a court decision over contact you will need a solicitor who has understood from the beginning. You also must not put a foot wrong, obey any court orders or agreements to the letter and make sure he cannot acuse you of anything.

[holidaymum]

you have no option but to go the legal route. Social services generally do not get involved in custody arrangemnets, even when it does impact on the child, been there myself! Was told if we felt there was a problem it was our responsibility to take appropriate measures to ensure the welfare of our child via the legal system! Good luck.

[snowwonder]

i am going through the same at the moment my dd age 3.5 doesnt want to go to her dad's

she cry's every morning going to nursery asking who is picking her up, it is at the stage now where i cant tell her if he is collecting her from nursery as she sobs.. she is at a difficult age to know what to do and if i saw anything to her he thinks i am making it up, i wish the nursery would tell him how different she is when he picks her up (apparently walks very slowly to trhe door) and once she is there i think she is fine, it probably doesnt help that he leaves her with his mum a lot and his mum hates me and says nasty things about me to dd, which then upsets her...

no advice really as i dont know what to do either!!!!

[pirategirl]

My heart goes out to you.

it is such a difficult situation.

I have just learned from my dd, that a few months back, ex's partner told her off, and shook her.

I was so shocked. What do I do, or say. My little one insists she is not fibbing.

I dont know what to do. my little one normally tells me anything, and when i asked her whhat she had sone 9 not that tis excuses ex's partner from laying a finger on her), she said she didnt know, as she was younger then and that is also why she hadnt told me.

I know how u feel , that their dad's just dont realise what we have to see, they act so different with us, we get the no holds barred aftershocks.

[pirategirl]

sorry

what she had *done ( not that this is an excuse for laying a finger on her)

[hunkeydorey]

Well if it was me, I wouldn't send her. Particularly if you are now concerned that your ex's new partner might hurt her. If one of my children was that upset that they didn't want to go, I wouldn't make them, even if I wanted a break or not.

If your ex wants to find a way forward that suits your dd better, maybe he could visit her at your house.

[pirategirl]

hi

last year we went thru all the letters back and for from solicitor to solicitor, cos she's got upset about going.
Since the beginning I've suggested the softly softly approach, which has been ignored. Thats what the letters were about, for the sake of the little one being able to build up trust and a better relationship with ex. He hasnt spent any time alone with her in two yrs.
A solicitors letter isnt the law I'm afraid, and thats why I dont know what next step to take iyswim.

I knw that if i just stop her going, it will look bad, but surely i have a reason, agghh. I guess i should touch base with the solicitor who has taken over the divorce.
thanks for all your kind words. --justustwo How r u?

[pirategirl]

whereabouts are you in the country justustwo?

Yes hearing them crying on the phone is orrible, makes you feel like there is nowt you can do.

I'm too scared to even bring up the shaking incident with ex, like u said, would deny it and trun into a row that would end up, somehow, being my fault!!

[pirategirl]

hi i'm in the southwest of england, dont want to say where exactley on here. Paranoid or what !!!
I will ring solicotor 2morro, shame she's new and not up on the goings on. I'm on legal aid for the divorce so dont want to have her spending too long reading back thru and charging me for stuff, thats not exactly to do with the divorce.
I should have let him see to it, instead of giving him what he wants. But my pride wouldnt let me wait, had to divorce him.