My child's mother refuses to co-operate.

[user1471258924]

Hello.
I’ve found a lot of useful & supportive info on this site before without ever having to post, so I’m hoping folk might be able to offer some advice or support with an issue I can’t see an answer to myself.

I’m a single Dad to a two year old girl. Me and her Mum split when she was 16 months after a disaster of a relationship ended up with me dodging missiles, verbal abuse and the likes. Life was hell..She managed to isolate me from everyone and everything I know, slowly pulling me down, not allowing me to properly bond with my son – the list is endless. She was a very controlling, emotionally abusive person, and she still is.

After the relationship ended I was left with zero self confidence and terrible anxiety. I had my daughter 4/5 days a week and found it impossible to juggle a full time job, child care (the nursery her mum decided to put her in is miles away from work and i can’t afford to drive) and be able to afford taking her out, buying her clothes, nursery fees etc. I have no family or friends nearby that can offer a solid hand so things became a bit much to handle. I became quite ill and in the end was signed off work and ended up with being threatened with the sack. I’ve worked through this and now I just about managing.

More recently, and this is the issue I need support on, her Mother has moved to the other side of the city we live in and has decided to choose a school, doctors etc etc without even consulting me. Previously we lived near enough to each other so drop offs/pick ups were easy; being able to share duties such as dentist, doctors appointments etc was easy for us both too. Now, just dropping or picking up my daughter is a massive task often resulting in lengthy waits at bus stops, delays, being late to work etc. My daughter is often withdrawn from me and constantly asks for her Mum. Her mother also constantly changes the child care schedule at the last minute or will take her away for a week with very little notice then expect me to re-arrange all my plans the week after so she can have ‘me’ time. The complete lack of routine clearly upsets my daughter and she’s often very confused about where she’s going to be from one day to the next.

I’m incredibly worried that the change in location (her future school friends being nearer to her mum, being able to drive from one side of the city to another to drop her off to school and still be able to get back for work etc, the lack of routine that comes with all this) is going to drive a wedge between my daughter and me. When I try to bring it up with her Mum she just laughs it off as nonsense. She’s impossible to discuss anything with as she absolutely cannot see an issue with anything other than the things that bother her, there’s also a good chance she’ll lose her temper and be verbally aggressive. When she’s like that she makes threats to reduce my time with my daughter, amongst other things (but will expect me to take her at a moment’s notice if she’s got something more interesting to do). She’s incredibly difficult to deal with and I can’t stand by and watch her push my child away from me both physically and emotionally. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to move house for quite a while, otherwise I would and I'm, so far, reluctant to take it to mediation/courts.

Sorry this was a bit of an essay! Any support would be hugely appreciated.
Darren (I couldn't pick a username?!?)

[itshappenedagain]

Hi! Didn't want to read and run. My only advice would be to go to family court and get a contact order put in place. Record each time she changes anything.
Also you mentioned a son in your post, do you have another child too? If so it may be nice fir both children to have a relationship with both you and each other.

[user1471258924]

Thanks for the reply.
I'm not sure about taking an official route yet, it'd do more harm than good at the moment.
I have a son too, but he's not involved in this, i meant "not allowing me to properly bond with my daughter" :)

[cestlavielife]

Ypu need to ho official route with people like this.
Start with mediation.
Then you will have someone else witness her behaviour.
If she agrees to things in mediation it will be recorded. You then can keep a record of what happens.

[intheBondiBubble]

Can you look at a co-parenting order where education/schools/health decisions have to be made together?

[Lelloteddy]

You can't deal with an aggressor like this on your own.
Mediation is the way forward. Let her know that you are serious about maintaining a relationship with your kids.