daughter no longs has access to her dad...how do I deal with any questions she may have?

(14 Posts)
jasmyn90 Sat 02-Jul-16 20:43:47

My daughters father has only just come back into her life 8months ago after making mistake after mistake amd messing us around. I gave him one last chance and now found he has been lying about not being able to have her on his set days because he either has "work" or something else...but I have proof that he is in fact out with his other kids and wife and he makes excuses because there is no room for my daughter to fit in their car so they aren't able to make an outing all together. I am sick of his lies and to me it comes across like he doesn't even care to not include his daughter in a family outing.y daughter is 4 years old amd she also tells me that he doesn't hold her hand crossing roads but holds his other child's hand from his current relationship and he never hugs or kisses her. There is so much hatred between us both but I have been civil and amicable to make this work but now I have found out he is lying about things to do with having his daughter I've come to the point where I have told him he doesn't deserve this opportunity and if he wants to see her then he can go to a solicitor, his attitude and behaviour comes across as lazy and not caring and I won't have that for my daughter. When she starts asking questions or saying she wants to see him how am I meant to answer them? I know it's not the right thing to do but it's been mistake amd let down after let down for 5 years and he just doesn't deserve to have her in his company if he makes lies up just because he can't or doesn't want to include her.
any advice is appreciated.

PotteringAlong Sat 02-Jul-16 20:45:21

You can't stop him from seeing her because you don't like him. He wants to see her, she wants to see him. This isn't about you. Let him see her and her him.

JessicaRabbit3 Sat 02-Jul-16 20:54:11

pottering he is cancelling access due accomadating his other family that's not acceptable or fair on ops DD. Contact should be consistent not intermittent as its damaging to the client. How many DC does he have if your DD is only four? Is she the oldest. Surely if they planning days out if there's three DCs his wife could stay at home enabling your DD to go?

JessicaRabbit3 Sat 02-Jul-16 20:54:40

Child not client stupid phone

jasmyn90 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:02:31

When he consistently makes up lies about seeing his daughter in his set days, texts me to pick her up when she's playing up amd the fact he took my family to court over something he caused and knew he had a record of assault and didn't want to go to his daughters christening because his words "he can't stand me or my family".
It all sprouted from me voicing my concern that she didn't want to see her dad or go to his house because she is sent upstairs away from their newborn baby. That isn't normal to me that she doesn't want to go to his. And that stemmed into an argument into him thinking I was critiscing the way he is with her in his own time. He can't have a civil and amicable conversation when I voice any concerns. To make lies up to accomodate a family outing his daughter should be a part of is not on.
I know it's not the right thing to do and I always said I would never get to this Pont and he always said he would never let her down again. But here we are again back to square one. It's certainly not about me but I won't have me daughter being ostracised and left out so he can go out for the day and not include her. My post is only about helpful advice on how to answer any questions she may have which at the moment she doesn't have and hasn't asked so to me she's not really that bothered.

jasmyn90 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:04:32

I'm new to.all this and not sure what DD or DC stands for sorry? X

JessicaRabbit3 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:06:23

DD darling daughter and darling children how many children does he have?

jasmyn90 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:09:12

There is two to his current relationship and one stepchild. There is 4 all together. My DD is second oldest.

jasmyn90 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:11:07

It's not about me not liking him. I have been reasonable and amicable even though he has messed up a lot of times and I out it all behind me for the sake of my daughter. And now he has made another mistake and thinking he can get away with it and just lie. What father tells lies and not include their daughter in a family outing.y because she can't fit in their car.

SparkleSoiree Sat 02-Jul-16 22:11:43

I would advise you to keep the door open in relation to making contact arrangements with your Ex P. Work through the issues and develop a regular pattern of contact and then you won't have to have those horrible conversations with your daughter.

As much as you disagree with his conduct your daughter has the right to have access to her father regardless of your opinion unless a judge orders otherwise.

Seriously, the way forward is not the way you are considering. It can be resolved over time.

JessicaRabbit3 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:37:23

That's bad that the step child is put before his own DD. Maybe get something in the form of a solicitors letter and if he breaks it then you can say you tried and it's legally documented.

jasmyn90 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:56:10

We have tried the solicitor routes before. I aranged mediation, had an appointment ready for him to.go to and he didn't turn up. Didn't tell me he wasn't going to go I only found out by the mediator calling me to tell me he hadn't gone to his appointment. The first time it was through solicitors he didn't allow me to have his number. Was only allowed contact via his wife. Now if I had to call him in an emergency I was only allows to call his wife to pass on tje message amd send pictures.of his DD through his wife. He's just not reasonable and never will be and behaviour like that is not healthy for my daughter. He won't pay for solicitors and that's why he won't fight for her. It's just not normal that she tells me she doesn't want to go sometimes and she's only been seeing him for 8 months. There is no bond there and there never will be. He can't treat his DD the way he does and not expect me to stand up and say sometHong about it. But it's how I explain to my DD of she ever asks. And the best way to deal with this as it is now going to go through to solicits on my behalf even though I know they will be ignored by him.

JessicaRabbit3 Sun 03-Jul-16 06:43:01

You should not have to go through his wife to speak to him. I don't even have my ex's wife number! If he doesn't respond to the set schedule then atleast you can say you tried.

Fourormore Sun 03-Jul-16 11:22:53

"I've come to the point where I've told him he doesn't deserve this opportunity"

This is where you're going wrong. It's not about him deserving anything. The contact isn't for him, it's for your daughter.

"I know it's not the right thing to do"
Why are you doing it then?

Things don't sound great - I can see that. But you've got an account of a four year old - not the most reliable source of information - and you openly admit there is a lot of "hatred" between you.

What would actually help your daughter more is for the pair of you to put her first. She isn't a prize that someone deserves, she's a child who needs a relationship with both parents.
The reason you're struggling to explain to her is because you're essentially saying that because her dad isn't up to your standards, she can't see him at all. That isn't fair and it shouldn't be your decision to make.

Put your anger aside. Put a proper contact plan in place. Deal with her upset and disappointment when it happens.

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