Lonely

(21 Posts)
pineappleeyes Mon 27-Jun-16 21:04:31

I have been a single parent for nearly 4 years. I have two wonderful children 9 & 4.
Just recently I have started to feel very lonely and isolated. We have a lovely life. I work, own my own home, we have a car and nice holidays. I have good parents who help with dc where they can. I just feel my life is very mundane. I realise I am very lucky but I think perhaps I am missing adult company. The only time I am around adults is when I am at work and i am so busy I don't have time to chat much with them. Does anyone else feel like this. Some evenings I feel like I am going mad. I read, do housework and catch up on programmes I've missed through the day. I wonder if I am depressed or just lonely.

VioletBam Tue 28-Jun-16 10:17:52

4 is so small still...it's that age when they're still so reliant on you and still take so much of your energy up.

Mine are 11 and 8 now and it really does get a bit better...would you ever be interested in joining something like amateur dramatics?

I suggest this because these clubs are SUCH fun...they're a laugh...creative and funny people...you don't even have to perform but you can help with set or costume.

Do you think you could do that?

pineappleeyes Tue 28-Jun-16 15:14:57

I don't have much childcare help. They are in after school clubs and on an evening I'm knackered. Weekends we usually do stuff together so not much time just for me. I sound terribly selfish. I'm not. I just feel like my life is very monotonous.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 28-Jun-16 21:36:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleeyes Tue 28-Jun-16 22:23:00

My parents help out too. They do the school run and look after the dc until I pick them up after work. So on weekends I'd feel guilty asking them to look after them again.

VioletBam Wed 29-Jun-16 00:50:06

When you daydream, what life do you imagine for yourself that you would be happy with?

What are the dreams you dream for the future?

1DAD2KIDS Wed 29-Jun-16 21:56:33

I am a single dad in a similar situation. I am lucky in regards to having a good job, a nice house and generally comfortable in life. But it is hard work working a full time job and raising kids. If its not work, then its house work, household administration and then squeezing in time to play with the kids. I have a 4 year old girl and 15 month old baby boy. You find yourself stuck in a world of childish food, childish conversation and children's TV. I think you have done well lasting 4 years. I had barely lasted a year without feeling lonely and also that I had lost my adult self amongst all the childish things. My main focus is always the kids but I decided that find some personal adult space soon now and then.

So this was my solution. This of course may not be for you but this is working for me at the moment. First of all I am lucky to have a little child free time. My mum and family occasionally can babysit for me, plus me ex has the kids one weekend a month at hers and normally comes to see them a day or two a month at mine. I realised I really missed female companionship, conversation (especially intelligent conversation) and intimacy. I also realised I had no time to commit to a relationship and that I love my family unit, I didn't want to change that dynamic. Thanks to the help and support of mumsnetizens I realised there is another way. Mumsnet showed me that there were like minded mums who wanted the same as me. A causal friendship that provides occasional companionship, conversation and intimacy. Just mutual company without the pressure of expectations of commitment or obligation. I found as long as I was honest and open there was a surprisingly high amount of mums out there after the same thing. It has worked well for me. I have made some great friends, enjoyed some great conversation and had a lot of fun times. Life isn’t one size fits all and I found there is middle ground between having a serious monogamous relationship or being on your own. Raising my kids is far more important than a relationship. One day my kids will be adults and then I will be free to pursue a relationship. But until then it’s nice to have a little company on my rare child free evenings.

pineappleeyes Wed 29-Jun-16 22:27:58

1dad...I feel exactly the same. My family come first but I just miss adult conversation and having someone there. I aren't really bothered about a full time relationship or marriage, moving in together etc just someone to share things with.
I don't know if I understand what you are saying has worked for you though. Have you met mums from mumsnet or I'd there something I'm missing out on?!

Sunflower6 Wed 29-Jun-16 22:54:26

Pineappleyes - I could have written your post, I am four years in to being on my own and it seems to have really hit me in the last few weeks. My children are 10 and 15. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. My only chance of adult conversation is a work but I am so busy not much time for chatting. I have no family here and my kids dad works away in the week so I do it all alone.

Is it worth telling your parents how you feel so that they might babysit now and again so that you can get out. I used to belong to a WI group before I was on my own and that was great for some adult company.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 29-Jun-16 23:09:42

Sorry to clarify I basically had a thread on here saying similar to you. I basically said I was loney, missed company of the oppersite sex and this was dragging me down. I said I had no time for a serious relationship or wanted to be in any kind of relationship that would want to have any part with my family unit. At the time I thought the only option was to be single and lonely. I was just stressing my sadness at that.

It was other mums on here who told me they have had some good times with more causal set ups and suggested I try the same. I come to realise that there is whole spectrum of different set ups out there and it possible to find like-minded people who are looking for the same kind of company just for the mutual enjoyment of it. I realised being single doesn't mean you have to stay lonely, deprived of decent conversation or dare I say celibate. There are others in the same boat just happy to enjoy those rare you time moments with you without any obligation.

As to finding these mums I used online dating. I found that being honest and open with my situation, limitations and exactly what I was after was not a problem, many of them were after the same. Through it I have made some good friends who I still see as time permits. Like I said life isn't one size fits all. Work out what sort of thing could work for you and go for it. I am so thank full mumsnet gave me the point in the right direction or I would still be a single parent lonely and devoid of adult interaction.

pineappleeyes Sat 02-Jul-16 22:25:54

Sunflowers it's so reassuring to know I am not alone. I am starting to do more for myself. I'm joining a gym and I confided in a friend who is going to help me get out more!! That sounds ridiculous but I think I'm stuck in a rutt and need to get out and about & around other adults!

1dad- thanks for clarifying. I might look into online dating too. smile

SicknSpan Mon 04-Jul-16 21:01:20

I came on here to post exactly what you've said pineappleeyes. Sorry you feel this way too.

I also have no time nor desire for a proper relationship but so miss the chit chat of another adult, someone who likes me for reasons other than my ability to bring food soothe bruised knees or do bedtime stories! Mine are 11, 8 and 2 and I work full time also so I totally understand the isolation and loneliness bit, my mum also helps lots in the week so don't want to ask for additional babysitting at the weekends. I live an hour away from work and won't be moving closer (kids settled at schools plus most of my friends are in the area) and as per 1DAD I've just started to dip my toe into online dating. I'll see how it goes but not holding my breath too much!

I just feel like I exist in a blur of uniform lunchboxes and permission slips interspersed with birthday parties and kids sports activities. I want to remember occasionally that I am a person in my own right and that there might be people out there who also like my company as an end in itself. It almost made me want to get back together with my ex (amicable split) but I know I'd end up feeling just as lonely but for different reasons.

Good luck all xxx

pineappleeyes Wed 06-Jul-16 22:51:28

Sicknspan. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. It's rubbish isn't it? It's reassuring to know I'm not on my own. I think just having someone who enjoys my company & I enjoy theirs would be lovely. Nothing too serious. Fingers crossed for all of us.

WanderlustSue Thu 07-Jul-16 18:29:07

Hello. I feel the same way too. I have real adult conversations occasionally but nearly all of my friends are married/in couples/have small babies and nearly everything involves around family life so not much 'grown up' conversation. Do you find that too? I really miss intelligent conversation and intimacy too 1DAD2KIDS, think you only/mostly find that in relationships. I'd love to find someone else but easier said than done isn't it. I did join a couple of evening classes and they helped a lot although were both short courses so came to an end and I haven't seen a single person since, despite trying to arrange a meet up. Sigh..... I try to stay postive but some days as a single parent are just rubbish.

1DAD2KIDS Fri 08-Jul-16 00:50:23

It can be very loney even when you have lots of friends. I don't know about your respective age groups. I am 32 and at an age were most of my friends are just starting to get married and have kids etc. I have already been there and got the t-shirt. My life is so out of sync with my friends. They have been great and try and include me bit often there activities are not suitable for my circumstances. That was never a problem when I was married but now it's scary how you can have many friends and still feel isolated/left out.

But the key is to be positive. Keep a grip of the fact that under the pile of toys, nappies and laundry there is a human adult with intellect, needs and desires. I know kids always come first. If your like me when you do get free time you just want to rest. But I urge you try and make a little space to connect with the other you. You are more than just a child raising machine. Look at your situation a find out what you can do to make it better. Don't let your situation swallow you up. That's what I did and I have found friendship, conversation and intimacy with out strings or obligation attached. Just unselfish mutral company.

FayaMAMA Wed 13-Jul-16 12:40:56

I completely understand your feelings. I've been a single mother for 3 1/2 years (my daughters' entire lives), and as I'm so busy working, studying, doing things for the girls, cleaning, etc I don't really notice the loneliness. But when I AM alone, or have some free time, it really hits me. Hard. I feel like the only adults I spend elongated periods of time with are my parents, sometimes. I have Friday nights "off", either my mum, dad or the girls dad's parents take care of them so I can have time to myself or go out with friends...but I usually just sleep or study. I agree with what 1DAD said, I feel so disconnected and out of sync with the lives of my friends sometimes that I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm 24, I had my girls at 20 while my peers were at University, now I'm doing my degree whilst being a mother and they are all out working and partying and travelling! I love my friends and we do talk a lot, but not having someone to share the pressures of parenthood with is incredibly straining. I just miss having someone to share my day with. I recently started dating a guy who also has kids and who was also lonely, but I have no idea if I really like him or just enjoy company....

natty28 Wed 13-Jul-16 19:16:06

I'm in the same situation, Im a full time single mum to a three year old girl. I'm still going through a divorce and have been seperated from my ex for over a year now. He has very little to do with our daughter (his choice) as he is having so much fun enjoying his single life. I don't regret leaving him at all (abusive marriage) but as I haven't found a job yet I'm feeling extremely isolated and lonely. I'm trying my best to stay positive but some evenings I just can't stop crying. I am studying to try and fill my time alone in the evenings & we keep busy during the day with various activities. I have tried online dating and although it helped build up my confidence again, I didn't meet anyone who I would consider as more than a friend. So I really don't know what else I can do to help myself, money is very limited so I can't afford nights out. I just feel like I'm failing my daughter by being like this. I rarly cry infront of her because I don't want to upset her. I'm lucky I have a couple of good friends but they all have their own problems and I feel like I'm a burden by even talking about it, I don't want to make others miserable. I really don't know what to do sad

conway Sun 17-Jul-16 20:04:04

I can totally understand . I do crave adult company. I have just joined a dating site and meant another dad with children of a similar age.( elite Singles)
We have had 2 dates and nothing romantic but just chat. It is so nice to have a male angle on divorce as I was worried that I was becoming a man hater. Also nice to go out somewhere.
Third date next week and we have both agreed that we just want to be friends. However I do definitely have chemistry with him so I will have to try and control my feelings.

ittooshallpass Sat 06-Aug-16 22:42:14

I've been a single mum for almost 4 years. Work full time. No family support. Ex has DD sporadically. It all just feels like a great big juggle. When I finally get some time alone I am literally too exhausted to do much. Then feel sad/ angry that I've done nothing with my free time.

Ex is difficult to pin down so it's very hard to plan going out. Any evening groups are out of the question as I can't afford babysitters on top of all the childcare.

Most of the time I keep positive but every now and then I feel a deep sadness at how my life is going.

I have no male interaction apart from family members - who I see maybe 6 times a year. Work colleagues are at least 20 years younger than me so no chance of conversation never mind romance!

I don't know what the answer is. Online dating hasn't worked fore me. I live in a fairly rural area so the pool isn't big IYSWIM!

I am home alone this weekend. Can't remember last time I had a whole weekend to myself. But as it was unexpected no time to book much. So I'm on the sofa keeping off FB as I can't stomach all the happy family BBQ posts.

Sorry this sounds so meh... my DD is wonderful. I guess I just have to keep my head down for another 5 years and then it'll be my turn.

J0kersSmile Sat 06-Aug-16 22:57:35

Single parent here as well.

My dc are slightly older but they started taekwondo at 6 and 7 and after doing it for a couple of years I joined. They have kids, adults and mixed dc and adults classes so I didn't need a babysitter and I really love sharing a hobby with them. Helps that the instructor is such a laugh and the group is lovely. 3/4x a week we do this so when I have a night in its something to enjoy.

I do feel lonely for that stage in a relationship where you can chill with no make up, on eating a takeaway watching TV but I've made a decision not to look for a relationship until the youngest is in secondary school. If Mr right turns up them he turns up but I'm not putting myself out there until the dc are a couple more years older.

user1462915632 Sun 14-Aug-16 17:52:07

First timer!!! I've been a single mum for a while but recently started to find it very very lonely and don't have a Scooby how to change things. My D's starts high school in September and is already being more independent. The friends I had all appear to be fine and dandy in relationships or married. I work but in a 1-1 environment with a client and as I am older ( over 40) find it really hard to meet ppl in a similar situation. A few ppl have suggested dating sites but I'm not confident at all and have heard all sorts of horror stories. I just feel like I'm the only person in my situation & so ashamed that I'm getting to a point of not being able to just get on with it. The evenings are the worst and I find myself in tears at the slightest thing. I've never been this age b4 . Is this normal ????

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