Child's father and family won't speak to me

(28 Posts)
mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 18:53:42

I had my baby six weeks ago, I've messaged him and called him since her birth- he hasn't said a single word. He knows our baby is his, and he's ignoring me. His sister spoke to me and was very keen to meet our little girl but has now started ignoring me too. His whole family won't talk to me. I'm so confused, and can't understand why this is happening to us. I'm a good mother, I'm intelligent, well spoken and dressed and generally a nice person. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet I'm just saying I'm not exactly an embarrassment. We aren't together but we're on okay terms. My babies father has a four and a half year old daughter already who him and his family adore and dote on. I'm scared my child's missing out on a family and a sister, and the little girl has no idea about my baby. I'm at a loss what to do, he's not even on the birth certificate. I'm not exaggerating- he hasn't said anything about her birth. And she is beautiful I know everyone says that but she is darling and very good, hardly cries and is so sweet. It hurts that he doesn't love her and I love her so much. I don't claim child support and I don't want a penny from him or his family it's not like that. He's 23, and he loves his other child. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my baby?

QuiteLikely5 Tue 10-May-16 18:55:10

Could he have told his family the baby isn't his??

Was the baby planned?

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 18:58:42

I really don't mean to be rude or harsh but in my experience you cannot make a parent want or love their child sad

My stepson has zero contact with his bio mum but she has now remarried and is trying for another child. She tells her new friends that she has no kids and lives abroad now. I felt hurt on dss' behalf for a long, long time and will never understand it.

CrazyDuchess Tue 10-May-16 19:00:38

Oh lovely that is really crap flowers

Firstly there is nothing wrong with you or your baby - he is an incredibly selfish individual that truly isn't worth your tears!

I raised my dd in slightly similar situation and my only advice is try to move on without them and let go of the anger and sadness and focus on your DD. These early weeks go so so quickly and I am sad mine was essentially marred by dealing with an immature manchI'd.

Please reconsider the child maintenance- it's the least your dd deserves and you doing have to do anything with it just stick it in a junior account and forget about it.

I know nothing I say will take the pain away but you should be incredibly proud of getting this far by yourself and just take the time to focus on you and DD for now xxxx

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 19:03:18

there is nothing wrong with you or your baby

Just realised that I never said this but luckily the pp did. Duh. Sorry. Obviously you are not the problem!!!

navylily Tue 10-May-16 19:07:32

Congratulations on your beautiful sounding little babyflowers

Nothing is wrong with you. And clearly nothing is wrong with your baby.

But her dad sounds like he's not yet got his head round the reality of her being in the world. He may be great with his 4 year old bit it's quite a different thing parenting a 4 year old. He maybe doesn't really know how to deal with being a dad to such a small baby when he's not in a relationship with you. Not saying that's OK, it's not, it's crap. But it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, and it may not always be that way.

My ex took very little interest in baby DD when we split up, but came and took older DS out regularly. He already had a relationship with him, and didn't know what to do with a baby. It did change over time as I pushed him a little and DD just got older and an age when she would remember him.

Take care of yourself, get support and company from friends and your own family, and leave the door open for dd's dad to start stepping up to his responsibilities in the future if he wants to.

WeAllHaveWings Tue 10-May-16 19:11:00

For your child's sake and for the future, id claim support from him (save in an account for you dd if you don't need it now) and if he contests paternity get a dna test to confirm then he can't claim ignorance in the future.

mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 19:24:30

No not planned at all. I would claim support, but I would have to go to court and my mother is so against it and me having anything to do with him. I live on my own and she doesn't control my life but I'd hate to upset her, and I have no idea how to take someone to court who doesn't speak to you.
I know I can't make him care it just amazes me that he is such a good dad to his other child. Do I have rights, such as does my child have a right to see her big sister?
I probably sound so silly and crazy! I am a good mum, I carry her in a sling and breastfeed and we go to all these baby classes my daughter doesn't want for anything and I adore her and wouldn't want her to spend any time away with their family exactly, all I really wanted was some acknowledgment we have a baby... And I do want her to have a relationship with him. I love being single and can't imagine myself being in a relationship so she won't even have a stepdad. I just feel so lost and sad.
She looks identical to him but it's possible he's told his family she's not his.
Also he doesn't earn a lot of money and pays £60 a month for his other daughter.

titchy Tue 10-May-16 19:35:11

Why would you have to take him to court? Just phone the CSA and get the ball rolling for support.

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 19:35:48

I do know what you mean about maintenance. We did not pursue this when we got official residency of dss but the judge insisted on it when we got to court. Dh's exw has never paid it though. She just left us to get on with it. Luckily we are financially comfortable but I know that's not the point... I think that the other posters are making sense.

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 19:41:32

I forgot to mention that my dh's exw's whole family also ignore dss and as his 'mum' I cannot put into words how much this has hurt me. No birthday cards, Christmas cards or phonecalls and all my/dh's letters went unanswered.

He's such a truly fantastic boy but at the end if the day it is their loss. Please don't make the mistake that I did of wasting tonnes of energy trying to understand these people.

mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 20:08:09

I'd have to take him to court to go on the birth certificate to go ahead with child support. But he won't talk to me and he's moved so I'm not sure what his address is. My DD had a social worker because of a family situation my end, which was actually nothing to do with me but it was protocol. They have now stepped down as I'm doing fine. But the social worker called him 17 times, he never picked up or called her back after the first call when he said he'd call back, then never did. I can't claim from someone not on the birth certificate. I'm all for him taking a DNA test to prove my DD is his but again, I can't make him unless I go to court. It hardly seems worth it for less than £60 a month.

Amy214 Tue 10-May-16 20:24:20

You dont have to go to court if hes not on the birth certificate. my dds dad isnt on the birth certificate and we got child support with no problems all you need to do is agree to a dna test done through the csa themselves or have a private one. I had a private one through a lawyer (didnt pay because i was entitled to legal aid) you do not need to put him on the birth certificate after its been recognised that hes the dad, dds dad still isnt on the birth certificate after 2 years. We never went to court for the dna test either, the lawyers set them up we just went to a doctors appointment the test was there waiting for us and we got pur moths swabbed, the results came back approx. 4 days later. It might not be £60 a month the csa have mpre power than we do to enter there tax records and can speak directly to the employer if hes not very honest about his earnings.

Amy214 Tue 10-May-16 20:25:50

Our mouths **

Amy214 Tue 10-May-16 20:28:27

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/disagreements-about-parentage

wannabestressfree Tue 10-May-16 20:32:00

You Don't need to go to court.
Phone the csa and let them deal with it. You Don't have to involve your mum but I think given what you have said its even more important for your daughter to get this sorted.
My eldest is 19 and has never met his father. His paternal grandmother face booked him last week as she has never met him and his father had lied and said my DS wasn't his. 19 years of missed birthdays and Christmas and family. She only realised as my ex wife blabbed to cause trouble for him!

titchy Tue 10-May-16 20:34:38

He doesn't have to be on the birth certificate in order for you to claim support.

If he disputes paternity he can pay for a CSA approved test.

mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 20:48:38

Oh that's brilliant! I had no idea! If not for the money at least I'll get some acknowledgment we have a child. It's so embarrassing when people ask me where he is. In my NCT group (I did it with my mum) one of the women asked how her dads been, does he help and nights and it didn't occur to her I had done the course with my mum cos he wasn't around. I must have gone bright red. I know it's his fault and I shouldn't feel like any of this, but I can't help it. I'm not sure if I'm doing anything right- if I don't keep trying to get him involved, I'll feel bad for my DD not having a dad. If I do keep trying and he comes around and wants her half the time I'll be so panicky about not being with her.
I know he's a good dad, I've met his daughter and his mum and she's a lovely little thing and his mother seems lovely as does his older sister. She's expecting a baby too and in a way I'm hoping that baby makes him realise he's missing out. Oh gosh I sound very desperate... I must add I have no feelings for him whatsoever and do not want to be with him It's not like that in case anyone wondered. Thank you for all your replies, they're really helpful you're all fab

Moreisnnogedag Tue 10-May-16 21:14:36

Try and ignore the situation with him. But definitely get maintenance for two reasons.

Firstly, Asking for a DNA test now isn't going to affect whether he wants to have a relationship in the future. if he's the type to ignore a child that he knows is his, a piece of paper isn't going to change that. Alternatively he'll turn up in a few years and he'll have got away without contributing to raising his daughter.

Secondly, I don't know your financial situation obviously but £60 is about £700 a year or £11,000 by the times she's 18. £700 could pay for swimming lessons, school trips, a zoo pass etc etc or even more mundane things like new coats, shoes, the list goes on. Even if you out that money in a savings account, think about what that money could mean to her when she's going to go to uni or start working.

navylily Tue 10-May-16 21:15:49

Ime, people do tend to assume you have a partner when you have a small baby. But as they get older it becomes more and more common to be a single parent so that gets a little easier. Plus you just get used to setting people right. "I'm not with her dad" "Her dad's not around" "it's just me" Practice saying then in a matter of fact way, and they will eventually start to feel less painful and or even positive.

LeaLeander Tue 10-May-16 21:23:09

If you don't want the support money for yourself, claim it and put it in a savings account for your child. The money is for her, not you, so it's not really fair of you to decide it's too much trouble to collect it.

As to her relationship with him, I wouldn't hold my breath. A 23-year-old low-wage worker with a shit family and two children out of wedlock (already, I bet they wont' be the last) doesn't sound like a candidate for father of the year. Adjust your expectations downward from now on because otherwise you likely are in for ongoing disappointment.

navylily Tue 10-May-16 21:28:15

He hasn't got a shit family. The OP says they're lovely. But they probably think it's for him to start the relationship with his new DD, not they're role.

mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 21:50:28

I am on benefits but just for now as I was joining the police force and had to pop that on the backburner. I'm not proud of this and feel quite uncomfortable that I am and I think that just goes into what I get (which isn't a lot but I get by just fine, I'm not a big spender and I live on varagesale and gumtree, I furnished my entire house for £200- I was quite proud!) but as its not for very long I will get the ball rolling with child support.
His family are nice yes but as a big sister and a mother myself- if my child or brother got someone pregnant even if he said it wasn't his I would recognise a young girl on her own needing some emotional support. Like I said, I'm evidently a competent and mature person, I do not come across like a (dare I say it) "slut" or gold digger. A blind person could see the situation for what it is, and maybe they aren't as nice as I thought if they'd ignore their niece/grandchild.

mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 21:51:48

Navy lily I totally agree, it is up to him to start the relationship you're right. But as his sister's already agreed to see her and was supportive, I do think he's asked her not to or said I'm a liar or something.

mamma125 Tue 10-May-16 22:42:57

just to add to my rant he has a large tattoo of his other daughters name and I think it's her footprint might be her handprint as well on his back. Makes me so mad, my child's important too! When we were seeing each other he went on and on about how horrible it is to keep a dad from their child (he doesn't get on with his daughters mum) and how much he was dying for another child. Then this.... That's why I feel he's not involved because of me, even though I know I haven't done anything. I think I'm just hormonal and overthinking what's just a very selfish act on his part.

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