It's happened again ex not allowing dd to attend birthday party

(32 Posts)
ROZ12 Wed 04-May-16 14:11:52

Hi all

I posted a few weeks ago about a similar issue and I have taken advice and have emailed dad about changing the current court order as not suiting teenage daughter due to several issue see my previous post .

I'm seating reply from dad and eill then take to court of need be .

However party coming up dad sent series of rude messages end result is he will not be a taxi service to take dd to party and he works that day. I asked for swap etc but not agreeing .

My dd won't ask out of fear and we are not going to do the whole defying court order and getting police involved it's too much stress on dd.

Shall I just give up and show all the evidence in court or will ex have good grounds and say I took her to previous one can't take her to all of them?

Advice please

ButtonsAndBows Wed 04-May-16 14:15:04

Hmm what if your dd "refuses" to go to his? Then you haven't defied the order have you? I have issues my ex not taking my boys to their activities on his weekends and it is so stressful sad

Fourormore Wed 04-May-16 14:32:33

If you believe the issues to be serious enough then apply for a variation. You may need to attend mediation beforehand.

I wouldn't bother continually trying and trying to get your ex on side - it's clear from your various posts that you'll never see eye to eye.

Frusso Wed 04-May-16 14:55:43

This as been going on for years OP.
I think the pair of you need to stop using dd as a pawn to get back at each other. If dd genuinely does not want to go, or it is inconvenient for everyone involved, then you need to get the contact order reviewed.

If it is her dads weekend then she needs to be asking him, and basing her reply to the party child based on his reply.

ArmfulOfRoses Wed 04-May-16 15:01:56

If he's going to be at work then it won't matter if she misses that visit, will it?

ROZ12 Wed 04-May-16 18:35:24

We are looking to review the court order. I don't use my dd as a pawn .

So missing a party is ok? As dad is at work ?

ROZ12 Wed 04-May-16 18:36:06

He works every Saturday never sees dd but insists on her visiting.

ROZ12 Wed 04-May-16 18:37:33

I feel for you buttons and now? How do I cope it's stressing us out. My ex works on Saturdays and dumps my dd with his family

BombadierFritz Wed 04-May-16 18:37:50

I was v sympathetic before but it is hard if these parties happen so often. Really you need to get this court order changed.

Fourormore Wed 04-May-16 18:39:36

How do you cope? It's a party..?

SolidGoldBrass Wed 04-May-16 18:42:03

If she's in her teens, does she want to see this dickhead at all? She could just not go. She is old enough for her wishes to be taken into account, after all, and if he is an unreasonable prick, he can be faded out of her life at this age.

BertrandRussell Wed 04-May-16 18:44:42

How old is she?

Frusso Wed 04-May-16 19:01:43

Yes pawn. You are both coming across as bad as each other.
You want to dictate what dd does at her dads house, but don't want him to have any say in her life at yours. And you seem to do what you like anyway without paying any attention to his views until he takes you to court.
You want him to swap days, but you won't allow him to swap days.
Your views of him are influencing her and likewise his are.

You've said in your posts for years that she is terrified of him, and yet 2 years down the line nothing has changed. Could that have something to do with fees?

ROZ12 Wed 04-May-16 19:25:42

No she just doesn't like him as he is a scary bully.

I will get order changed .

I just think dd opinion counts if she wants to go to a party accommodate to it .

BertrandRussell Wed 04-May-16 19:29:40

How old is she?

Fourormore Wed 04-May-16 19:33:04

He sounds like an idiot Roz, but we do only have your side of things and you have posted several things over the last year or so that actually probably aren't worth causing that much of a fuss about.

Like I said, either get a new order or just accept that this is how he thinks it is best to raise his daughter. Perhaps he thinks time with his family is more important than a party, we don't know. There's no point tying yourself in knots or asking us what we think. The only person that can help your DD is you.

abbsismyhero Wed 04-May-16 19:34:54

i don't think the op is trying to dictate what happens at her ex's house i think she is trying to give her child a normal life part of being a child is being social part of being a parent is enabling social interactions

megletthesecond Wed 04-May-16 19:37:53

He shouldn't stop her going to parties. The same thing came up in mediation with XP and the officer said that children should be able to continue to go to parties and activities on the other parents weekend.

Canyouforgiveher Wed 04-May-16 19:43:21

How old is she? her age matters a lot to the advice you will be given.

if she is 13/14 then she tells her dad "I have a party on sat for a few hours, don't worry I can get a lift there and back" and if necessary you collect her and drop her back.

I think it is monumentally unfair for children to have to pay the price for their parent's divorce. If you were living together and she was in her early teens she would most likely be going to the party and other weekend activities, not spending it with aunts/grandparents.

Frusso Wed 04-May-16 19:45:50

a normal life part of being a child is also accepting that they can't go to each and every party that comes up if they have prior commitments.

Instead of op emailing ex to tell him dd is going to the party, which would get my back up perhaps dd could as her dad, or grandparents if they wouldn't mind taking her because it's on their day, and base her reply to the party invite on that.

Fourormore Wed 04-May-16 19:49:31

While I generally agree that children should have the opportunity to attend social events, case law (A v A 2004) says: 1. Decisions that could be taken independently and without any consultation or notification to the other parent.

- How the children are to spend their time during contact
- Personal care for the children
- Activities undertaken
- Religious and spiritual pursuits
- Continuance of medicine treatment prescribed by GP

abbsismyhero Wed 04-May-16 20:41:07

seeing a parent should not be a chore it should not be seen as "his right" they should want to see him/her and vice versa part of this is acting like a parent telling a child they can't go to a party when they are not even going to be present just smacks of a git who wants his own way no matter what and his price will be the relationship with his own child if he isn't careful yes a child can't go to each and every party but give them a proper reason not "just because it's what you and your mom want"

ROZ12 Wed 04-May-16 22:17:41

She is 13 and I've offered pick up swap etc and he said no.

BertrandRussell Wed 04-May-16 22:37:39

"a normal life part of being a child is also accepting that they can't go to each and every party that comes up if they have prior commitments."

Visiting your parent should not be a prior commitment.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 04-May-16 22:45:27

Has this man got enough money to keep taking you to court, or has he already managed to secure some sort of bullies' order that means you will be arrested if you don't send her?
If not, just tell him (don't 'ask' him, just tell him) that she is going to the party. Her wishes matter more than his. 13 is too old to be dumped on grandparents every weekend by a father who is more intersted in his 'rights' than his DD - just block, stonewall and ignore him.

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