What's it really like? :(

(25 Posts)
Littleredhead1983 Tue 01-Mar-16 07:59:44

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping someone can help me with some advice as I have a really difficult decision to make.
I'm 5 weeks pregnant by my ex- we broke up shortly after I conceived and before I found out I was pregnant, after a long, drawn out period (months and months) of fighting, lying, cheating (him...) and generally ripping chunks off each other. He'd be a good dad but he has some major emotional issues which he's just starting to work through with a counsellor.

Since we found out (10 days ago or so) he's been great, really supportive, and talking about how maybe we can make this work and we should try getting back together. I resisted just being together again right away because I didn't think a baby is the right reason, and the problems we had before still exist...but said let's work on it, try to rebuild the trust and see what kind of relationship we have. We still love each other and have always got on like a house on fire so I guess there is a chance.

But lastnight he suddenly did a complete 180, sobbed all night (we still live together at the moment...) said how horrible this is, how he can't believe I won't even discuss abortion, how he was just starting to put himself back together and I've ruined it, accused me of doing it on purpose to "trap" him, told me I'm manipulative and all the things he didn't like about me are still a problem...etc etc.

Then this morning he started in on "you were right, a baby isn't a plaster for this, we broke up for a reason, I was just romantic using it. We shouldn't get back together" followed by "think how you'll feel if you do this and we're not a couple, soon enough I'll be with someone else, and you'll resent the child because it'll remind you of me, but it'll be there and I won't, and you'll be alone and it'll be really difficult.

It has been a terrible, terrible 12 hours and I have just stopped being curled up with racking sobs for the best part of the last hour.

So now I'm wondering if I should just have an abortion. The reason I haven't even considered it until now is that I had one 2 years ago (same guy, he wasn't ready and said it'd ruin our relationship) and it about destroyed me. I took it really hard. But, is he right? Is being a single parent in our circumstances just too hard? Will I end up resenting my child, or will it resent me, or him, or both?

I live in a different country to my family and friends so I don't have much of a support system, and I just have no idea where to turn or what to do. I'm devastated.

sad

RubyChewsDay Tue 01-Mar-16 08:09:12

Right, you will be absolutely fine.

I was left pregnant after 10 years with my DP. He literally ran off with OW and left me with no-one here.

I remember exactly how you feel, you cant see the bigger picture yet.
You have to take this hour by hour, then day by day.

Stay calm, eat, drink, look after you & baby.

You can do this, its hard, but you can do it.

My DD is asleep in my bed whilst I am having a tea before work,
She goes to a childminder, she loves it.
We love being together, you get into a routine, its amazing, you still have shit days when your exhausted but its worth it x

BertieBotts Tue 01-Mar-16 08:30:05

It's hard but it's not a death sentence.

Day to day - it can be difficult not to have anybody to take over when you're struggling. Everyone has those days. It can be difficult not to have somebody to share the exciting things your child has done which sometimes aren't that interesting to somebody else.

Can you move home?

On the other hand, it can be very special, the relationship between one parent and one child. That is very nice. It can be easier, not having to navigate between your own and another person's parenting ideals, you only have to worry about your own.

It will make working difficult. It will put obstacles in the way of you finding another relationship in the future. But neither are impossible. In some ways it acts as a filter for guys who aren't really interested in you, since they have to try so much harder. On the other hand a stepfather/mum's partner is statistically the most dangerous person to have in a child's life. You'll need to have higher standards than you would for yourself. Again, positives and negatives there. It can be lonely at the weekends when everyone you know is with their families. But it's not the worst thing ever. If you want a child then it is one way to have one. Lots of kids have separated parents, it's no longer a source of shame, it's just normal.

I think you're right not to get back together. He can be an involved co parent (even from another country if you decide to/can move back home.) It's up to you to decide if you want to go it alone. I would say do it eyes open, but it is worth it if it's what you want.

BlackeyedSusan Tue 01-Mar-16 10:47:55

better being single than with an idiot who is abusive and useless.

BurningBright Tue 01-Mar-16 11:34:20

I became single after I was pregnant. My ex also put pressure on me to have an abortion, but I chose to do what was right for me and my baby, and that is what you must do; what is right for you and your unborn child.

I have never, ever regretted being a single parent. My child brings me more joy that my former partner ever did. She lights up my world and is quite simply the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have never looked at her and resented her because she reminds me of my ex. Far from it. I look at her and thank my lucky stars that he did me such a massive favour.

Yes, it can be hard. Especially in the early years. And yes, it can be lonely. But I would not change the decision that I made ten years ago.

If you genuinely come to the conclusion that an abortion is right, then that's ok too. But please think carefully. You say that having an abortion nearly destroyed you last time. Do you think it will be easier a second time?

It's your body and therefore it's your choice, but please think carefully and don't be railroaded and bullied into a decision at a time when you are feeling vulnerable.

Littleredhead1983 Tue 01-Mar-16 12:46:50

Thanks for all your experiences, everyone. It makes me feel much better.

I really do think I could do this on my own. And although this pregnancy was totally unplanned (a 'mistake' as my ex put it this morning), I do want children and honestly I was worried I wasn't going to be able to, for one reason or another.

It's just him. He's absolutely crushed. Seriously, he sobbed all night. Great, heaving sobs, not crocodile tears. He's really panicking and feels like there's no way out. I just don't know if I can do that to anyone, let alone to a man I once loved (and still do love, if I'm honest with myself). I'm really hoping he'll come around. I don't think I can have an abortion again.

BurningBright Tue 01-Mar-16 12:52:02

You're right. You can do it on your own. You really can.

Please don't be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you don't want to do.

BoyGirlBoy3 Tue 01-Mar-16 12:57:22

Can you go home to your parents?

Keeptrudging Tue 01-Mar-16 13:09:31

I did it on my own, it's tiring doing nights when they just won't sleep/are ill, but I wouldn't change a thing. I've got such a close relationship with both my children. I split up from my abusive ex when DS was 3 months old, and stayed single until a mad night out (I never usually drink, got blind drunk really quickly etc) resulted in DD. Her 'dad' begged me to have an abortion, same deal, I was 'ruining his life' etc. I knew I would be able to love and care for this baby, so I never had any thoughts that abortion would be right for me.

I love DD to bits, she's a little miracle, and when she was older I met my now DH, who is her 'Daddy'. She's never met her 'real' Dad. Don't let anyone push you into anything. It is possible to be a single parent and happy, it's definitely not doom and gloom. Think about practicalities, how you would manage where you live/work/childcare etc. Good luck with your decision, your ex sounds like a 5 year-old crying because he's not getting his own way. If you were together, he'd probably be zero support anyway.

Oldladyfish Tue 01-Mar-16 15:34:39

I did it on my own too, and it's MUCH better than being with someone who is making things even more difficult: particularly if there are emotional issues there that he's trying to sort out. You broke up for a reason. I can't help but speak from my own experience: don't get back with him. it sounds toxic.

You need to decide for YOU if you want the baby. If you do, that gives you resilience to however many times he changes his mind (and it sound like, if he's struggling mentally, this may be something you'll have to deal with over and over). if he can't cope with having a child, he doesn't need to: you'll do really well by yourself, i'm sure. I'm without family close by, and although it's properly properly hard, it's also great.

Good luck. hope you're feeling calmer after a rough 48 hours.

RubyChewsDay Tue 01-Mar-16 17:39:20

Also if you dont want to speak to him, you dont have to. Its added stress for you.

I havnt spoken to DDs dad for 3 years, I dont need to & I dont want to.

Carla42 Tue 01-Mar-16 18:45:15

Hi OP, just wanted to echo everyone else's comments and kind words.

I am 18 weeks pregnant and single. My baby's father is someone I was dating and didn't want to know when I told him. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it has been really tough. I think being pregnant and single is a harder concept for me than a single parent as it just seems so unusual (at least from looking around). Every scan has couples and every pregnancy class has people talking about 'we'. I find this upsetting but as the weeks have gone by, I have gotten stronger.

I find the other posters messages about how it does get easier, is worth it etc very lonely. I think once we can get these 9 months out of the way, everything will fall into place and we'll have a little person to distract us. Don't feel forced into doing something you might regret X

Carla42 Tue 01-Mar-16 18:45:47

*very reassuring not lonely

ittooshallpass Tue 01-Mar-16 20:40:06

What's it like?

It's hard, it's crazy. It's fun. It's amazing!

The most terrifying thing that ever happened to me. The best thing that ever happened to me.

Lonely sometimes. Great fun sometimes.

A roller coaster ride you can't get off.

Would I change it? No. Never.

Would I do it differently?
I'd have gone it alone from day 1.

Trying to make it work 'because I was pregnant' was a stupid idea.

You can do this if you want to.

HappyHedgehog247 Tue 01-Mar-16 21:59:33

Having a baby is the best thing I ever did! I'm in court with the Ex fighting over dc now so at least if he is disinterested you will be spared that. The first few months can be hard going. You'll need help and support but you have enough time to plan that. If you want to do it, you can. But if you don't want to go it alone that's of course a decision you can make for yourself too. I just wouldn't let him influence you one way or the other.

Littleredhead1983 Wed 02-Mar-16 10:36:00

Well that's a lot of positive stories smile. I guess I just have to go in eyes wide open that this won't be easy but it will be worth it.

As it happens, Ex has changed his tune a bit today and apologised. Say it all just completely overwhelmed him all of a sudden and he felt like I'd just made a decision (to go ahead) without even talking to him about it, which to be fair, I had. He says he just needs a bit of time to process and talk it through and figure out what we're going to do together, and that he just felt really out of control and like we were sleepwalking into disaster.

All of which makes sense and I will give him some time to process - it's a really huge thing after all, especially when it's a surprise pregnancy! But at the same time I'm going to keep my head up and make sure I'm preparing myself to go this alone. That way I can't be disappointed. And I'm less vulnerable to being talked into something I don't want to do.

Thank you all smile

RubyChewsDay Wed 02-Mar-16 20:59:06

Glad things are feeling better. If you imagine doing it alone, (which is 100% doable) then any extra help is a bonus.

Ive never had a night off or a night out in 3 years, the only time I get to be alone is when Im at work, then I miss her and cant wait to pick her up grin

I can honestly say in 3 years Ive felt lonely once or twice for a few minutes at the very most.

cbigs Wed 02-Mar-16 21:17:42

You can defo do this op. My ex p said all that to me and actually he was talking about himself. That he'd be a shit parent that he might resent the baby etc etc. Anyway best thing I ever do he is now 17 and an absolute legend I am endlessly proud of. Me and his dad have a great relationship now co-parent etc. I was left again by my exh when 6 months pregnant with my daughter. Absolutely devastating at the time and Yes it can be hard but you have a bond that is unsurpassed and you learn to be proud of what you can achieve. I've been a lone parent twice first with one them again with three. I'm now engaged and happier than ever and would not change anything because I know stuff about myself I never would have found.
Make the right decision for you and leave him to find his balls .
thanks congratulations on your pregnancy smile

russetbella1000 Thu 03-Mar-16 00:05:32

Its amazing-I would always choose being a lone parent over anything else. For me parenthood and relationships aren't that logical...

For me lone parenting meant I was free to focus on my child...I honestly don't know what I'd do if I had to take someone else's views into account. Genuinely, it's much easier.
I honestly don't know how couples do it...😉

jazzybelle12 Wed 09-Mar-16 13:08:33

Sorry your experiencing this emotional roller coaster, it's hard enough with pregnancy hormones you don't need this crap on top of it.

My ex partner didn't want our baby at first and made a comment to me about trapping him (it takes two to tango) I told him I was keeping the baby and will do it alone if I have to, although admittedly didn't really think of all the implications at the time "Hormones took over i think' but deep down I knew I couldn't have an abortion.

My son is 4 years old now and I love the bones of him, it's been very hard at times but it's been just us since he was 7 months old through the good and bad times. His Dad sees him every other weekend and we are civil to each other for our little one.

I'm now engaged to a lovely man who has a fabulous bond with my son too, life goes on and you get through it. Us women are made of strong stuff wink i wish you good luck and don't put up with any rubbish because you don't have to! xx

Pipsqueak23 Thu 10-Mar-16 03:49:03

I have been a single mum from the start of my pregnancy. My ex wanted me to have an abortion as he wasn't ready (turns out he just didn't want another child when he had one already with the wife he forgot to mention)

I briefly considered his request as it was early in our relationship but knew that emotionally I wouldn't be able to cope with the what's (what would it have been, what would they have looked like etc) and the firsts (Xmas, Mother's Day etc)

As long as you are mentally prepared to do it on your own, you will be fine.

I won't lie it will be tough at times, (parenting is in general and evenmore so when you haven't got anyone else to lean on when they are up all night) but it is totally worth it for the unconditional love you get from a child.

You will meet other mums to be and mums at classes or group actives such as aquanatel and mum and baby groups who you will be able to turn to with questions about what your baby is doing is normal etc. I know I made a great bunch of friends who I see regularly and our children are now 2 1/2

You can also turn to the mumsnet family for advice or a vent.

Resentment wise, I can honestly say I do not resent my ex, he gave me the most precious thing in the world. However I knew I would have resented him eventually after having an abortion, especially after finding out about the wife he had conveniently forgot to mention.

You have to do what is best for you. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. 😊

Littleredhead1983 Thu 10-Mar-16 11:47:31

Thank you guys.

It seems like there are a lot of positive experiences, despite it being hard, which makes me feel better.

Things aren't really any better with ex. We continue to yell at each other and rail against each other. He says whatever happens he won't abandon me and to "make no mistake" that he will want equal custody. He says the thought of being a father isn't actually that scary to him, it's more the thought of being tied to me forever (charming) because we have loved each other so much for so long that doing this together but not being together will be too difficult. I do get what he means.

Part of what scares me is that I don't have much of a social circle here any more. And he is really sociable, and charming, and good looking, and I can just envision a future where he won't let me leave Germany (I'd have to get his permission to do so) and I'm stuck here alone and miserable and lonely while he has a wonderful life and I have to watch him in a new relationship. I wanted to have children with him for so long but what I really want is a family, to be able to share this all with someone- like you say, the "firsts". My baby would be born 2 months before Christmas and it would be devastating to have that with a tiny baby but not with him.

I keep circling back to maybe I should just have an abortion, but then it makes me so desperately sad that I haven't been able to do anything more than have the odd fleeting thought about it.

He's coming with me to my scan on Monday, where we should be able to see a heartbeat, all being well. The desperately sad part of me is hoping that will make him feel differently about things. I know that's stupid, romantic nonsense.

Pipsqueak23 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:23:23

Do they have classes such as aquanatel? If so this is a perfect opportunity to meet other mums and create your own social circle.

Also once the baby is born, you could take it to mums and tots groups and again this will increase your social circle and help you not feel so alone.

It's a hard choice. But you have to do what's right for you. Whether that be have an abortion and start your life over, by the sounds of it, not with him or keep the baby and make a new life for yourself in Germany.

ShutUpSirius Thu 10-Mar-16 13:29:02

I was a single mum to my first. I was 19.

It was hard, satisfying, terrifying, empowering, lonely, and a whole host of other emotions.

The emotions were never so overwhelming that my daughter wasn't happy.

We learned that money isn't everything. Charity shops were my best friend.

That name brand wasn't essential.

What was essential was that my daughter had enough. Enough love, enough cuddles, enough fun.

It's totally doable.

You know you can do it.

But I will tell you that there will be days where you feel isolated. Your child's dad has too much to sort out. Emotionally he will drain you.

Maintain dignity and head up! X

ProfessorPickles Thu 10-Mar-16 13:32:23

I love being a single parent OP, and I am now a single parent by choice. That's how I feel anyway, at the start I was made a single mum when I had no choice but to leave his dad but now I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I am reluctant to meet someone else any time soon.

It has been extremely difficult at times but I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't even choose to have had my sons father around more. Things have worked out brilliantly and I am so happy.

I hope you will find happiness too whatever happens OP.

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