Ex wants overnight stays for our 9 month old and he lives 2 hours away

(34 Posts)
Hughesy1998 Sat 20-Feb-16 19:43:53

Can someone help me my ex and i split up 7 weeks ago our baby is 9 months old and he wants to have overnights weekends fri - mon every month as his mum lives 2 hours away. He hasnt seen our daighter since he left.

I don't know what is best to do for my baby as i keep reading its not good for a young baby to be away from there mum for that long is that true

He works an hour away mon- thurs and travels back to his mums at weekends but is refusing to come here to see here as he said its inappropriate. He has a new gf and i beleive he did within weeks if not days after we split. I also beleive hes living with his new gf but he said that he will stay at his mums with our daughter.

He is also moving to his next job in July 5 hours from us? He is never in one place for more than 6 months and he has no residence of his own however he may now be living with new gf as above and her 2 children.

I have convince him to meet up next week to have a chat as we have been at loggerheads threating me with the courts etc i have said i am willing to do mediation but hes not

Not to sure what to do i only want whats best for our daughter i have no interest in him or his new relationship if it will benefit our daughter then i will do anything.

Dont know what to suggest to him is it best to just do day visits for the time being or 1 overnight stay He works night's and im still on mat leave so i am happy to take my daughter to see him to spend time with him.

What and when is it best to let my daughter to stay over night esp from fri to mon ? She starts full time nursery next month so she would miss fri afternoon and monday day once a month if we agree on the above

Also do i have any say in where he takes her ie to the gf or does he have a right to have her staying at this new gf house

Not heard from the majority of his family and he keeps saying she needs to get to know his family but they know they are welcome anytime at mine never heard from them when he also left me when i was 4 months pregnant and he returned just when i was about to give birth.

Sorry for all the questions but im so confused what to do for the best

Fourormore Sat 20-Feb-16 19:48:26

For a start, he has to attend a mediation information & assessment meeting before he can apply to the court.

The girlfriend is irrelevant in legal terms. Your ex can take your daughter where he wants.
I would say that at 9 months, Friday to Monday is probably too long. A gradual build up would be better. "Missing" nursery would also be pretty irrelevant as she would be less than a year old and would be with a parent which is surely better for her?

What would you like the arrangement to be?

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 19:52:33

He's not seen the baby for one quarter of its life and wants overnights ? hmm

Fuck, no. Just say no. Don't talk to him if you don't want to, nine months is too young imo for 3 days away 200 miles away when he hasn't seen her for 2 months.

Just let him progress through his solicitors/court/ - they will encourage mediation. They will tell him to visit the baby at home for an hour, progressing over many months to taking her out for an hour or two.

Is he paying maintenance? If not, get that sorted by going through cms.

If he's hassling you feel free to block and ignore or tell him you'll only respond to emails.

It's a tiny baby he hasn't seen for ages, of course he can't just up and take her.

AtSea1979 Sat 20-Feb-16 19:57:30

Just say no. The judge won't give him that much access.

bloodyteenagers Sat 20-Feb-16 19:57:54

Forget about the girlfriend, his mum, work etc. what are you offering?

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 20:08:37

The OP has offered for him to come round and see the baby - and mediation.

The ex has turned down both, the first as its 'weird now he has a girlfriend' so he clearly doesn't give a monkeys chuff about seeing his baby.

Or he'd be round every day, not avoiding it for 7 weeks.!

Hughesy1998 Sat 20-Feb-16 20:11:01

Thanks for all your responses much appreciated
I feel day visits as he is currently local and is not working on a friday would be ok however he travels back to his hometown so doesnt want to visit his daughter.
Also as he doesnt start work til 630pm mon-thurs i am happy to take my daugter to him and leave her with him for as many hours as he wants whilst on mat leave while they bond together
Ill prob be happy with an overnight stay when i feel comfortable that she will be ok after a while not to sure how she wil respond on wed when i meet hopefully she will be ok
I def want them to have a relationship

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 20:17:59

Of course they should, but you need to do what's best for her and right now after not seeing her for 7 weeks he is a stranger to her and 3 days away would be really difficult for her.

Does your username indicate you're only 18? Do you have strong support from others? thanksthanksthanks

Hughesy1998 Sat 20-Feb-16 20:24:30

Hes is paying me £70 per week

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 20:25:38

Is that roughly 20% of what he earns? I'm not sure of the exact figures but someone will chip in if I've got it wrong.

ImperialBlether Sat 20-Feb-16 20:29:44

I wouldn't let him have her Friday to Saturday, never mind Friday to Sunday. It's outrageous. He's thinking of himself, not of the baby. If he wanted to he could have come a few times a week over the last seven weeks, but he hasn't, has he?

Hold strong and say no, that he can take her out for an hour every day if he wants, but there's no way he's having her for a full weekend, especially after not coming near for weeks.

bloodyteenagers Sat 20-Feb-16 20:49:33

Your suggestion sounds feasible compared
To his once a month weekend thing which is beyond ridiculous.
On Wednesday I would just reiterate the daily visits for a couple of hours.

He will either agree or say no.
The following day email him either confirming the visits you have offered. And mention about whilst you are on maternity,
Obviously when you are in work this would possibly change to him having lo 2 a week and lo in nursery/whatever your arrangements would be.

Or hi hope you managed to think about yesterday. If you are still in disagreement about what was offered (mention it) and only want the weekend once a month. We have reached a stalemate so how do you want to proceed. I am willing to attend mediation if this helps resolve contact..(not sure exactly how to word it, but sure others can help)

The reason I would email either way is so then you have evidence that actually you have been more than reasonable.

Hughesy1998 Sat 20-Feb-16 21:23:52

Thanks for all your advice much appreicated i am older than 18 but i do have support of freinds and family. Just feeling a bit bullied into letting him take her as he has been verbally abusive and threating with all sorts our text but i feel much better with the advice and i will hopefully get through to him on wednesday that we have to think of whats best for our daughter and not what suits him.

He def earns much more money than the £70 hes paying but didnt want to go down the cms route as yet because this would just caused me more hassle.

Hughesy1998 Sat 20-Feb-16 21:24:50

goodpoint on emailing him i will def be doing that after we meet

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 21:36:08

Keep all the texts, particularly if he's abusive.

findyourstrength Sat 20-Feb-16 21:56:11

I'm in a similar situation, my DD is 3 months and we split up when she was 1.5 months.
Since then he has come to my house to see her once a week for 4 hours at a time. (Ex cannot/didn't ask to see her more often than that).

However, he has now told me that he does not want to come and see her at my house anymore but wants to have DD at his house (1hour drive away) 2 out of 5 weekends... I thinks that it is too soon for DD to be spending one night and a full weekend away from me.
Thoughts please??

Also, anyone know similar cases and can tell me what a likely court order would be if he were to take me to court right now?
This way, I can be prepared for worst case scenario...

This is such a horrible nightmare. If I think about staying one night without my DD, my heart breaks.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 23:27:29

He won't get a court date for months and no one is taking a 3 month old away from its primary carer.

He will get gradual contact, progressing slowly in the child's best interests to overnights - roughly at 18 months depending on the child and how progress goes.

You will be encouraged to mediate. Keep emails, texts. Continually offer short contact at home - a 3 month old should only be away from primary carer for an hour or so. If you're feeding on demand then not at all.

findyourstrength Sat 20-Feb-16 23:47:27

Thank you so much for your reply LaurieFairyCake.
I will sleep so much better tonight knowing this.

Do you know any family solicitors I could speak to, who could help me with this please?
Thanks so much again!

LaurieFairyCake Sun 21-Feb-16 00:04:15

I don't but if you post your county someone will likely come along and help smile

findyourstrength Sun 21-Feb-16 00:20:25

I will do smile
You have to pay for mediation right? Are they expensive? Sorry for the question, but you just seem like a huge source of knowledge on this!
Did you have to go trough it? Xx

Hughesy1998 Sun 21-Feb-16 07:43:23

Mediation is approx £100 for assessment then £150 each for the face to face and another £50 if you need the papers for court.

SavoyCabbage Sun 21-Feb-16 08:01:57

Hughsey, do you know his mum? I was wondering if you could get her 'on side' as it were. Tell her you are worried that your dd would be unsettled being away from you for two nights and could you and she arrange some day visits. Half of the problem could be that she is pushing him to see the baby as he is not arsed to see her when you have given him the chance.

lighteningirl Sun 21-Feb-16 08:16:32

I'm usually all for dads seeing their kids but my reaction like others is hell no wait too long for a baby to be away from you with someone they don't know.

FindYourStrength Sun 21-Feb-16 08:43:31

Thank you Hughies!

FindYourStrength Sun 21-Feb-16 08:45:56

Oops I meant Hughesy.
Let me know how it goes for you.
I think my ex's mum is also playing a bit in this (just to reply to the previous comment here)

I will keep you updated, and maybe our experiences and can help eachother out. I hope so..

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