My toddler comes back from her Dad's overnight smelling like smoke

(11 Posts)
NancyPiecrust Sat 20-Feb-16 13:28:57

2 weeks in a row now I have noticed that my DD comes back from her overnight visit with her Dad with her hair, clothes, teddies that she brings for overnight & duvet (he doesn't have a duvet for her yet) smelling of stale smoke ! Not so strong as if he has literally been smoking right next to her but still, for the bedding and teddies to smell, there has to be some smoke going under the door and into her room right?
When we were together he would not smoke in the house as I asked him not to and I hated it, even though he said he didn't believe in the research around how harmful second hand smoke is, he went and smoked outside as I told him he had to because we had a baby and because I didn't want to be exposed to it, my hair & clothes smell like it etc.
Anyway now I am thinking he smokes in the house when he has her overnight as otherwise why would she smell like this ?
He is so stubborn and in love with his addiction that he will not see that it is unhealthy and harmful to have secondhand smoke around. He literally does not believe in the science behind it and will not research it himself.
What can I do? How do I handle this with him? He is the sort of person who will not listen or respect me when I ask him respectfully and nicely, he will only respond or take seriously if I lose my shit at him & be really over-firm with boundaries. I don't want to have to tell him that his overnights visits will stop if she keeps coming back smelling like smoke....but I maybe it's my only option to get him to take me seriously?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 20-Feb-16 13:32:13

Is it definitely cigarette smoke? Does he have an open fire? Or could he take her to somewhere that does, pub, relative?

NancyPiecrust Sat 20-Feb-16 13:42:02

Hmm..No he doesn't have an open fire, doesn't take her to the pub, and relatives...his Mum has recently quite smoking due to a throat cancer scare, so no. And that wouldn't explain why her teddies and her duvet, that stay in her cot would smell.... ?
I know stale cigarette smoke smell, having lived with/dated him for 3 years.
He admitted sometimes if it's bad weather he will smoke in the living room with the door open and door to her bedroom closed, whilst she's there. And I told him that smoke will still travel throughout the house and asked him not to do that. She has a problem with shaking a really bad cough at the moment...and I just don't want her breathing in second hand smoke whilst she's asleep. He is acting annoyed and defending the smoking as usual. sad He takes it personally but all I care about is my DD's health, he doesn't seem to see that.

annandale Sat 20-Feb-16 13:43:37

I honestly think you might have to suck this one up.

Smoking in your own home is legal. I am so anti-smoking that I have to make a big effort to be rational about it, but he is her dad. She will be much more damaged by reduced contact with her dad than by the real but small increased risk from passive smoking. I believe you can't dictate to him about what he does in his house.

However, I don't think you have to put up with a smoky duvet. I think you shoud put your foot down about a duvet and bedding that lives at his house. I guess teddy's regular bath when he comes back to you will have to carry on.

angry with him on your dd's behalf but I think you will have to grit your teeth to some extent.

83mummypig Sat 20-Feb-16 19:05:19

Ive been in a similar situation and I hated it. I was told
The window was open, but she still smelt. I then said no smoking in the house at all. Then one day I caught them
Out! I went ballistic and threatened no contact and it soon changed, now no smoke. You are within your right to say something!

Cat2014 Sat 20-Feb-16 19:19:22

No I would say something, tbh I'd try and stop her staying there unless he stops smoking in the house, it's not acceptable.
I can't believe people are saying you should suck this up. He should put her first and if he doesn't he's failing in his duty of care.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 20-Feb-16 19:33:20

Having investigated this for myself legal advice is that no judge will allow contact to be stopped for just smoking in the house. As part of a pattern of total disregard for child's welfare with other more significant examples yes it can be used.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 20-Feb-16 19:37:05

It's not illegal and unless there's some pattern of neglect no one will stop contact.

Just because it's really crap doesn't mean you can do anything about it.

For the sake of your own sanity try really hard not to obsess about it thanks

My parents smoked 40 a day each in the house and never opened a window hmm
Twats

Cherrysherbet Sat 20-Feb-16 19:43:09

I have every sympathy for you op. I couldn't cope with it, I am so anti smoking, and can smell it a mile off! I couldn't stand my children being in an environment where there was cigarette smoke. I think you need to sit him down and make it absolutely clear it is not acceptable, and if he doesn't listen, keep on at him until he does!

Cat2014 Sat 20-Feb-16 19:48:41

I don't care if it's not illegal, it's dangerous. I wouldn't put up with it and would keep fighting.

Pretendingtobe31 Sat 20-Feb-16 19:49:53

I smoke and would be livid if someone did that around my child.

I never smoke around children, and won't smoke before I visit a young child. I'd have a strong conversation about it

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