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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Missing Father

15 replies

stressedoutangel · 27/12/2006 22:10

Hello
Have never posted before, but have been reading lots.
Am not sure what to do, have always been a single mum, my ds is 17months. I had split up with his father before i knew i was pregnant and we live 100's of miles apart. He supports me financially but have not seen or heard from him since June. He came to visit when i was in hospital after having DS, then a couple of times after but never for more than a few hours. He feels like a stranger and has no bond with DS. Also have had his parents here once or twice.
For xmas i sent photos and a card but have had nothing back at all from him and only a card from his parents (obviously only posted after they had recieved my photos and no mention of future contact).
Not hearing from him doesn't bother me but i realise its perhaps not the best for DS and wonder if anyone else can advise.
Is there anyone else who has always been a single mum since birth and what would you suggest?
Help!

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mummytosteven · 27/12/2006 22:16

Hi and welcome to MN! I'm not a lone parent, but was brought up by a lone parent and never met my father. My take on it is that if he/his parents have up to date contact details for you, you have done your duty. I don't feel it's your duty to try and force him into contact with you and your son, that it's something he has to want to do. Best wishes, and I hope that the father or his family make contact again soon.

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stressedoutangel · 28/12/2006 19:17

Thanks, i guess time will tell, although i think not getting in touch at xmas was a good indicator.
Am not so worried now, only worry what to tell ds when the time comes but suppose that bridge will be crossed when we come to it.
Its his loss after all.

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RachelG · 28/12/2006 19:57

Hi

I haven't got any great advice, but I'm in a slightly similar situation, in that I've always been a single Mum.

My ex (we weren't married) couldn't have children, so we had IVF treatment using donor sperm. However, his heart was never really in it, and he changed his mind about fatherhood somewhere along the way. We split when DS was 3 weeks old. He's now 16 months, and I don't know what I'm going to tell him when he's older. I guess I'll cross that bridge nearer the time.

DS has no father at all, biologically or legally. My ex still visits, but as a friend rather than a father-figure.

I think the best thing you could do is send photos every few months, and if he doesn't reply, then it's his loss. By doing that, you're giving him the option of showing an interest in his son. And it means your DS will never blame you when he's a stroppy teenager!

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stressedoutangel · 28/12/2006 20:37

Feel bad that he is still giving us money, you'd think that as he's still sending standing order he'd want to be involved but obviously not. Wish i could manage without it really but its not possible at the moment as fresh air won't pay the mortgage and bills.
Must have been tough for you too, going through IVF to then become a single mum. Although i suppose when you've done it practically from the start it just becomes normal.

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gem1984 · 28/12/2006 20:57

Hey, i know exactly what ur going through. i have been a single mum since being 8weeks pregnant. my ex doesnt see or want to see or has no contact whatsoever with my DS but if i am honest i think i prefer that to him showing up once in a while when he feels like it and my DS never knowing who he really is. i am a firm believer in its either all or nothing. i know it may be hard to get to terms with in the first instance but i believe ur DS would be much better off in the long run.

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stressedoutangel · 28/12/2006 21:04

Hi Gem

How old is your DS now? Do you manage ok as a single mum?

I think you're right it is confusing when the father only apprears every now and then.

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gem1984 · 28/12/2006 21:10

my DS is now 6 1/2 months. most of thetime i dont feel like i am coping and feel like its all too much but then when other people see me and see him they always say to me how well i look and how well i'm coping so i think its just a matter of opinion. i struggle coz my mum and dad live hundreds of miles away and dont have much family near me.

i think to get out and meet a new partner woud clear a lot of this up for you.

where do u live?

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stressedoutangel · 28/12/2006 21:15

I'm luckier as my parents are round the corner, we had to live with them for the first 10 months as i couldn't afford rent or mortgage on maternity pay. Then when i went back to work i managed somehow to buy a house and we are just about keeping our heads above water!
Live near Newcastle.
I know what you mean, people are always going on about how well i cope, and i suppose i do but its not to say i wouldn't like a bit more help now and again.
As for dating, well funny you should say that am going on a date on sat night. Am terrified!
Where do you live?

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gem1984 · 28/12/2006 21:18

ilive in halifax. Good luck with ur date on saturday hope it goes well 4 u. i wud give ur ex though an ultimtum and tell him all or nothing but make sure he pays his maintenance as its his responsibilty. (smile)

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stressedoutangel · 28/12/2006 21:34

Thanks, fingers crossed!

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gem1984 · 01/01/2007 13:11

hey stressedoutange. How did that date go?

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stressedoutangel · 01/01/2007 19:27

internet dating disaster! Didn't look like his photo and we didn't have a whole lot in common. Still at least i've been on a date now i suppose.
How was your new year? I'm personally glad its January so now we can get back to normal whatever that is. Xmas & New Year can be a miserable time for us singletons.
Hope you're feeling ok.

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gem1984 · 03/01/2007 20:54

well im glad its over too. back to some kind of normality. im not having uch luck with this internet dating at all. feelin a bit down in the dumps today.

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Caligula · 03/01/2007 21:13

SOA I split from my children's father when my DS was 2 and I was about 1 week pregant with DD (I didn't actually know I was pregnant at the time). So although DS had 2 years of knowing his father, DD has not had that experience at all.

XP has only seen the kids twice in five years, once to register DD's birth and once when I went out of my way to take a holiday in the part of the country he lives, so that he could see both children. Since that time he hasn't had contact. (His choice.)

It probably isn't the best for DS and DD, but there's nothing I can do about it. In the first year or so, I called him a few times to ask him when he was going to see the kids, to offer to meet him in London or something, and he never followed through. So I realised that there's no point in me trying to take responsibility for his contact with his children, that's his job. I send Christmas cards and photos every year to let them know the line's still open, (and thank you cards for the presents he sends) but that's it.

As DS has got older (he's now 7), he is getting more curious about his Dad and more aware of the fact that he is missing something most of his friends have. I'm glad that even if it's only at Christmas and Birthdays, the communication is there and the potential for DS / DD to open it up is still there.

HTH.

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stressedoutangel · 04/01/2007 20:32

Thanks Caligula
It does help to know what others think. I have decided just to keep on sending him photos on DS's birthday and at xmas and leave the rest up to him. As long as he always has our contact details then i have done my bit. That way at least DS will know that i have always left the contact option open.
It suprises me that he has lost interest so soon. When i was pregnant he was ready to pack his bags and move 300 miles to be with us and was very adament that he would do the right thing by his DS. Can only imagine he has probably got into another relationship though this is no excuse.
I will keep sending his parents stuff as well, its not thier fault that he is being a pratt!

Gem - Hope you are feeling better today. Try not to get too caught up in internet dating it can be very dissapointing. You will meet someone eventually, you are so young (assuming 1984 is your birthday?), theres loads of time. I've been single since i was pregnant too, and i have to say its been one of the most stress free times of my life, not having to worry about what a man is up to!! I reakon a part time boyfriend could be the answer! Oh yeah and he must be rich! (hmm)