Evenng and Hello

[afresh]

Evening all.

I've spent the last hour or so reading post here, makes me feel slightly better and sad all in one go!

I split with my partner of 3+ years about 3 months ago, we have a son together who will be 1 in a few days.

Christmas to be frank has been awful, with exception of Christmas Morning, my son's 1st christmas.

Over christmas period I came to an arrangement with ex that he would see our son for xmas eve morning till 2pm (he subsquently asked if he could have him from 11 rather than 8.30), on xmas day he had him from 2pm till 5pm then Boxing day 11 till 5pm (11 is when he wakes up from morning nap).

I am not happy about him having our son overnight at present. This hasn't come up until this week when he told me he was buying a cot etc. I asked if we could meet up later that evening to discuss things with regard to our son. It just went so badly. I explained that at the moment I didnt want our son to be away from me overnight. I just think it would be too disruptive to him. He has recently started a new nursery, is teething (5 in one week!) and to be honest he doesnt know his routines, how to comfort him properly. Moreover, he would be staying with his father who makes me (and has always done so) very uncomfortable, he has a history of violence towards his ex wife. Whilst I have never had any reason to think he would hurt my son I just dont feel comfortable.

What I haven't said is that I will never let our son be away overnight but just not at present. I said we would review at Easter.

I have and will continue to let my ex see his son whenever he can.

My worry has been and continues to be as well (even more so now) that ex will not return our son to me at the end of the visit.

He is not happy about this and does not think I can take this decision. I say I can, I have been his primary carer for all of his life and know my son better than anyone. I am not stopping him seeing him just asking that it isnt overnight.

Can anyone help? We have no formal agreement in place and we just seem to jump from one row to the next. Am i better to formalise this with a solicitor? Am i being unreasonable here?

I am the one who left the relationship, my ex has said numerous times that he wants me to go back but I just can't go back to that life now.

I am trying to move on but i feel like I have his chain around my neck yanking me back down at each turn. I regularly use another forum and he has searched on my username and read everything I have written anonymously and called me on it. I just feel so alone right now

[7swansaswimmingup]

hi, sorry youve had a bad xmas.

good on you for letting your ex have so much xmas access, very reasonable of you. as for overnights, i think if he went to the courts about it they would probably let him have it if hes kept his contact arrangements up. i totally understand your position though as i have a 2year old son who has supervised access with his father in my home and he is wanting unsupervised followed by overnight contact. i am not happy about the overnight at all as ds has slept with me since birth and has injections morning and night time which i would not want his father doing as it would cause ds too much distress. i also worry that ds would wake up and wonder where mummy is.

i would say try and keep it out of the courts if you can. praps try and tell him to wait till easter again, its so reasonable of you. the court process is long, depressing and makes you bitter towards the ex. my ex has been dragging me through court since ds was 5weeks old

theres loads of single mums on here to chat to when you need someone

[afresh]

I know he will have our son overnight at some point, and the last thing I want to do is go through the courts.

I'm so tired right now, I fear I cant see the wood from the trees. I didnt think it was an unreasonable request. In three months this is only the 3rd time he has come to see his son, part of me is angry (unreasonably I know) that I give up everything especially at the moment for my son which I dont begrudge, I dont ask for any money above the £50 a week we agreed when I left, im just frustrated.

I think I've been reasonable, apart from leaving with our son, which comes back to haunt me every conversation we have. He is a good father, just a frustrating adult to deal with at present, though I suspect the feeling is mutual

[Bekks]

Here is some information about what happens about children and access etc. when you split up. You could possibly try mediation if you think that you can't resolve it yourselves, you might get legal aid for it if your income is low enough. Contact details for further help are on the leaflet.

I sometimes worry about dd going to my ex overnight because of his drinking and temper, although it's been okay so far. One does seem a bit young, although my dd was probably 15 months when we first split and she spent nights with him. It's tough letting go, but you probably need to work out how to do this unless you have serious concerns about safety, perhaps working out what needs to happen before your ds can stay overnight and working towards it will help your ex. Although I find it horrible when dd is not here, in reality I would probably go mad without some time to myself and the occasional lie-in, so there are some positive things about it. If you have a plan set out then this might also help to stop constant arguments about the issues each time you see him.

Take care

[glitterfairyonachristmastree]

My personal view is to formalise things as soon as possible because the longer it drags out the harder it is for you and the more traumatic. Also then it can be sorted and a court order which makes things somehow easier.

Having said that it has taken over a year to sort out things in my case and it has been and still is traumatic for me and my kids. In my case there has been violence towards both me and my kids. I think gut instincts are always worth trusting to be honest however difficult that is.

We all want our kids to have decent fathers and for us to have time off but sometimes their dads just dont measure up. In those cases the courts are often the only option much as we would want things to be wroked out as adults.

[Harra]

Hi Afresh,
Am in a similair situation to you - not sure if you read my thread (What would be fair?.) May be too close to give you much advice, my ds is 11 months, been with my p for 4 1/2 years, split 12 Dec 06. My xp has had my ds ovenight as I had appendicitis just before we split and he has been a very hands on father from day one. However it breaks my heart when my ds stays with him, even though he is a great dad, so I know I am being irrational but I suppose that is being a 'mother'. My xp would like us to stay together - like you I left the relationship for many, many reasons and thows things like 'I can't believe you gave up before a year' etc. He is very angry and in denial, I think. I have a very good HV who was helpful and advised me to let the dust settle until my xp and I can really think logically what is best for ds. Looks like mediation is very good - I have telephoned our local one and they have sent some leaflets. Currently my xp refuses to go though he does disagree with everything I say at present - he did accept a leaflet later though. Currently we are working about a week ahead re contact with our ds which I know is not ideal, but it is all I have the energy for at the mo. Good luck. Just reread my post - not much help at all - sorry, but just wanted you to know that you are not the only one in this situation and I do understand how painful it is.

[afresh]

Hi harra

I could have written your post.

Ive had everything thrown at me to be honest, he tells me I am ruining my son's life and giving up. Honestly I am giving up, I can't do it anymore with him, he had all my effort and energy for a long time but not anymore.

I don't want to hurt him intentionally, he's not a bad person just not the person for me.

I am trying to explain to him that this is painful for me to but he just doesnt get that.

Hugs to you

[Harra]

My xp says the same re 'ruining our sons life'. But if we are not happy and there is always tension/arguements in the air - how can that make for a good upbringing? One good thing with our ds's being so young - they won't know any different. For me it is one day at a time at the mo though I'm sure in 1 year down the line we will both be much happier though it is so hard particuarly when it is so diffucult to plan ahead. Like you I know it is definately the right decision, but getting from here to 'the future' seems unreal at the mo. Thanks for hugs - we have both done the hardest bit I think and with help and support we can do the rest and bring up fantasitc ds's.
Big hugs.