Shared care- ex always changing arrangements

[SaloonBalloon]

I'm hoping someone on these boards has a similar arrangement and wondering what you do when ex wants to change arrangements.

We have a informal arrangement ( ie not determined by a court order) that ex said was preferable as it would allow for flexibility. Ok flexibility has it's advantages i.e if planning ahead and you need to ask ex to swap a night so you can go to an appointment/ wedding etc but not so good if you get asked the day before if you can swap nights.

During term time, we do tend to stick to our agreed nights and this works well for the DC as they know what to expect and aren't bed hopping every other night (we do a 4/3 then 3/4 arrangement).

Over Christmas I was asked in advance if I could do two extra nights ( ex wanted to go out) and he did a couple of my nights later in week in return (though I had no particular commitment). So far ok but obviously a bit more disruptive for DC. When DC come back from a change of carer there is usually a bumpy landing (whinging, whining, lots of complaints) for a bit (although only with me it seems) so I am a bit anxious about too many transitions

Yesterday ex asked if I'd mine swapping yet another night (tonight) so he could meet a friend. In my opinion he has had 2 weeks he could meet this friend.... he could have given me more notice ( I usually make plans/do my shopping on my free nights) and even if I didn't have plans I don't think it's on to keep swapping just because your friends want to go out (He's been out about 3x this week already and is going out on New Year's Eve too). I think he needs to say "Sorry but that's my night with the DC". AIBU? If we had a court order he would have to stick to this rigidly. I give him a lot of scope and I think he takes advantage. He came up with a lot of reasons why it would be good to swap but for the first time ever I just said I'm sorry I've made other plans.

But then I feel guilty because I think, he won't stay in, he'll go out anyway and get his DM to look after them and she's not the best at getting them to bed and they won't sleep well and be tired and grumpy tomorrow ( and this is the reason I usually end up agreeing to change... and he knows it)

Does anyone with shared care have a similar issue?

[ivykaty44]

If its his night then he needs to get a babysitter and you need to let him get a baby sitter - whoever and however that works out. Shared care means he gets to parentvhis dc and if he wants to go out then he needs to be responsible and sort out his own life.

Just think if you keep saying, no I can't swap, he will have two choices

Either keep finding a baby sitter

Or say

Canvwe make it another night for a drink mate as I have the dc that night.

Because you keep stepping in you enable your ex to continue his behaviour

[RandomMess]

I think you say no that doesn't work for me and let him sort out his own babysitting arrangements.

[ivykaty44]

Oh and by the way

The bumping landing only happens on your shift

Yeah right...

That's because you put them to bed on time and live by rules so when they go to his they are bright eyed and bushy tailed

Whereas when they are at his they don't have the same rules and go to bed later meaning when they come back to you - you cop it as they are tierd and grumpy thus the bumpy landing

[SaloonBalloon]

"That's because you put them to bed on time and live by rules so when they go to his they are bright eyed and bushy tailed

Whereas when they are at his they don't have the same rules and go to bed later meaning when they come back to you - you cop it as they are tierd and grumpy thus the bumpy landing"

You are spot on....I am the routine- led one and there's method in my madness. He's the spontaneous one ( Hmm wonder why the relationship didn't work and his constant changes of plan wind me up!).

Think young children do need routine ( and of course fun and flexibility within those core eat/sleep routines)... otherwise for a very sensitive DC like my eldest... it just eventually leads to ... emotional meltdown.

You are right I was enabling by being too accommodating which has led him to gradually asking for more. On the very frequent occasion I suggested a change (advance warnings given).... he will just say "Sorry I've made plans" so if he can do it....


Thank you.... I am just venting really as not anyone I can speak to irl at moment... except DM and she's heard enough of me venting recently!

[ivykaty44]

Thing is with an ex like this is they will know that you will be a push over as you always think of the dc and they use this to their advantage.....

So stop feeling guilty for saying no can't change

Never give a reason or excuse as you don't need to, remember you just say I can't do that swap, I am not able to swap, I can't swap, full stop

If he should ask why

The reply remains the same

I can't swap that night....

[SaloonBalloon]

You are so right.

If he senses a waver......he tries to persuade.

Broken record it is. Thanks for the boot up the arse!

[Penfold007]

If it doesn't suit just say no. Don't be manipulated, flexibility is a two way street.

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

ahh bumpy landings....

poor you,