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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Meeting the OW...

16 replies

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 15/11/2015 11:22

I am going to be meeting the OW soon as ex wants to introduce DD to her. We split at the beginning of the year and they have been together ever since. What do I say to her? I don't want to fall out, I'm beyond that now. I just want her to know that I will always be DDs mother, and for her to appreciate that. DD is 2 if that helps. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

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StanSmithsChin · 15/11/2015 11:31

I think she will know you are DD's mother.

I met my exes GF ( not ow) recently and it went well the only thing I wanted to be sure she understood was the the DC are always the priority and that for her to be in their life she needs to accept that. She was totally fine with it, praised the children and said she knows they come first.

Why do you want to meet her?

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 15/11/2015 11:32

Why meet her?

AuntieStella · 15/11/2015 11:37

Who asked for you two to meet? I'm assuming not you, because you really have anything to say to her.

So was it ex or her? Or if you can't find out (at all, or in time) then I suggest you go ready to talk about DD's foibles and stress (as suggested above) that the key thing here is her wellbeing.

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 15/11/2015 11:51

I meant that I am in DDs mother in the way that she will never take my place. But thanks for the sarcastic reply.

I suggested meeting as I'm still close to his family and there are going to be occasions when we are all there. And I don't want it to make it any more awkward.

OP posts:

StanSmithsChin · 15/11/2015 11:54

I wasn't being sarcastic!!

She is not a stupid women and will know she won't be able to replace you as DD's mum. If you point it out to her it will come across as aggressive which I can see very clearly in your reply.

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 15/11/2015 11:57

I'm far from aggressive. I'm just very protective of DD.

OP posts:

pestilence13610 · 15/11/2015 12:00

Make it about keeping DD safe and in a stable environment. Stan is right. If you make it about you, there will be conflict.
It is generally assumed that birth mum is not replaceable except in unusual and extreme circumstances.

StanSmithsChin · 15/11/2015 12:03

It is clear you are not meeting her to protect DD. You have no mention of discussing DD's needs you only talk about making sure the OW knows you are DDs mum and that she will not replace you.

If you cannot make this meeting about DD then I don;t think you should do it as you DO come across as aggressive and it will only end badly.

fastdaytears · 15/11/2015 12:06

If you come across IRL in the way that you do on this thread then this isn't the right time to meet.

You seem to want to assert your position as your DD's mum. That isn't necessary. Everyone knows you're her mum.

If you want to meet to talk about how to make your DD feel loved and safe when she's at both of her houses then great, but that's not how you're currently coming across.

I wouldn't want this meeting to go really badly for you and be the start of a difficult relationship with this woman.

Wishful80sMontage · 15/11/2015 12:09

Bloody hell harsh responses of course OP wants to meet this woman before her child starts spending time with her I'd judge her if she didn't. OP I think its best to get it over and done with the first meeting will always be difficult and awkward but once you get through that I'm sure it will get easier.

fastdaytears · 15/11/2015 12:11

Meeting her is fine, though she does also need to trust her DD's other parent's judgment to an extent. The problem is what she said about wanting to make a point about her position. It all sounded very territorial and might make for a less than successful meeting which will hurt everyone.

StanSmithsChin · 15/11/2015 12:13

Bloody hell harsh responses of course OP wants to meet this woman before her child starts spending time with her I'd judge her if she didn't. OP I think its best to get it over and done with the first meeting will always be difficult and awkward but once you get through that I'm sure it will get easier.

Not harsh responses at all so climb off the drama train

Finola1step · 15/11/2015 12:20

Keep it brief. Meet in a neutral place, somewhere public like a coffee shop.

Keep it very simple and all about your DD. Make it clear that all contact and correspondence is through her father. Agree that your dd will refer to her by her first name. Tell her about some of your dd's favourite activities, foods etc. Tell her that you appreciate that she and your dd's father will always put your dd's needs first (don't ask, explain etc on this one - this is non negotiable).

Ask if she has any questions. Gulp your coffee down and leave, head held high.

Look after yourself

hmmmcupcakes456 · 15/11/2015 12:20

I wanted this with OW before my DC went to meet her. On reflection two years in I realise it was just because I wanted to meet her for my own reasons. I know it's tricky but I don't think you need to do any of that really. Meeting her to make things easier in the future is a good move but my advise would be to make it simply a casual hello. Your ex will (hopefully) be continuing with his duties and therefore there is no reason to question her as she shouldn't be caring for your DD...hope that helps. It's so hard when your DD is still so young and I imagine there are a lot of raw emotions still for you x

CrushedCan · 18/11/2015 21:48

"just so you know I am and always will be DDs mother I can't be replaced" that woman and your ex are going think a) You're not over him or b) you're fucking nuts. Why not leave it to fate to meet her? Unless you plan on becoming good friends? It sounds like it would be awkward for all parties.

Stompylongnose · 20/11/2015 19:54

Don't say what you were going to say in your OP. It looks like you want a fight. Of course you are her mother and irreplaceable. No need to state the obvious and look bitter.

You have to treat the meeting like OW is your child's new teacher or TA so "I'm YesNo and this is my daughter MiniYesNo" is the tone you need to go for.Going lioness on her is going to lead to your daughter feeling awkward when she's older and your relationship with your ex's family to suffer.

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