advice needed about being a single parent

[octobersunshine]

I'd love to hear advice from people or from anyone who's had a similar experience.

I've just found out I'm in the early stages of pregnancy. I'm 27, live in London and have a decent job in politics. I'm no longer with the father of the baby as we moved to different cities and found a long distance relationship difficult to contend with. He's also a difficult man to pin down and I know he wasn't faithful throughout our relationship. Despite that, I still love him.

My initial inclination is to keep the baby. In many ways, it may not seem a rational move, given my relationship status and the cost of renting and raising a child in London alone. I come from a typically middle class family where people do things the right way - career, marriage, babies - and I don't think my decision would sit easily with them.

Despite the hurdles and knowing I'd be raising a baby alone, the thought of an abortion seems increasingly difficult to me. Several years ago, I lived in South America and had to access an illegal abortion, and the psychological scars have stayed with me since.

I would love to hear from anyone who's brought a baby up alone, especially in London, how you've coped, anyone who's lived in a single parent flat share, or anyone who just has a few words of wisdom or guidance with the judgement I might face from the people I know. I know it's an especially difficult time at the moment to be a single parent and I need to know that my inclination to keep the baby will be ok...

[OddSocksHighHeels]

I haven't raised a baby as a single parent but split from my ex when DD was 2. You can do it if you want to (and it sounds like you do).

I also live in London and it is expensive. I had tried looking into single parent flat shares but nothing ever came from it.

Would you like to stay working full time? Take a look around at options. Childminders tend to be more flexible so if you don't tend to have set hours then they're probably better. Find out if your employer offers childcare vouchers.

You can check online to find out what benefits you'd be likely to get as well so you can have an idea of what sort of budget you'd have each month.

I hope some of that has helped and just ask if I've missed anything.

[BoldFox]

Hold on to that good job!!
Would your x pay for childcare?
Or even half the childcare....
are ur parents in london?

[BoldFox]

Ps. My parents where the same. I thought they'd be very disappiinted for me... but my daughter's personality is so much bigger than any social convention. My mum went from asking me to please marry him for the sake of the baby to asking me to start again (as a single parent).
Mc parents can evolve and adapt i think!!
It matters so little now that sge is at secondary school. Sure a third of her class, the once married parents are apart now...

[Yellowpansies]

When I split from my ex the feeling of "doing things the wrong way round" and not like people did things in my family was something I really struggled with. With hindsight it was a stupid thing to stress about - 12 years on I'm now happily married with a complicated, lovely blended step family, and fantastic kids. DSis, who i felt had done it all the "right way", as it happens is currently in the midst of a divorce... Life isn't always as you imagine it'll be.

My top tip would be to hold on to your job and check out childcare options early (ie soon) Nurseries and child minders have long waiting lists. Also consider what kind of relationship your ex wants with the child. He should help you out financially and you'd be a fool not to make sure this happens

[Preminstreltension]

Yes it can be done. I have done it although was older than you so career well established etc. Definitely hold onto the job - if it's the public sector end of politics rather than the party end, there can be good childcare arrangements. Does that apply here?

I haven't had any negative reaction to my unconventional life-ordering...my experience is that babies defy all argument and objections melt away when they actually arrive. But my family are happy to weather the storms with me as long as I'm happy so I've been lucky like that.

[starlight2007]

I raised my Ds alone from when he was 10 mnths old..It is tough but really worth it.

[Flowerpower41]

I think a great deal boils down to whether you will have any FREE family support as in my exp. of NO family support at all (parents deceased and only child and cousins much much older and live other end of the country as I have moved/travelled a lot) I am always brass skint as consequently I fork out a great deal in childcare expenses and the DWP monies isn't as much as The Daily Mail would have us all believe! Even if I increased my hours I doubt I would be better off owing to the Tories' cutbacks these days. They appear to be anti women. Or at least single parents. Which is generally women.

If however you are a high earner then for as long as you are great at pressure I see no issue with it and if you have strong physical and emotional and mental health on your side and are good at endless multitasking and living life in the fast lane. Then you can afford a decent nanny and life is made a fair bit easier - other than the fact that you rarely see your child instead which naturally brings on its own problems.....!

Try and hold onto your career if it is well paid at all costs. To keep your sanity. And to maintain a decent lifestyle for you and your child.

Wishing you all the luck in the world op.

[Flowerpower41]

One further point if the ex wishes to wash his hands then please don't take the matter lying down and pursue through the CSA. Even though we have to pay for the privilege these days. Like I say the Tories really seem to hate single parents ......!

[octobersunshine]

Thanks every for all your insight and support. It's cheered me up greatly.

I think financially I'd survive, as I'd be eligible for working tax credits and a small amount of housing benefit. I'm more concerned about my ability to manage emotionally. I had a sudden panic last night thinking 'what happens if I'm ill and have to look after a child on my own'. All the little things keep on getting me at 3 in the morning.

I've been checking out nurseries etc. I work in Parliament and they have a nursery from 3months + but it's 300 quid a week! Does anyone know whether childminders are any less than this?

Flowerpower you are completely right about the Torie's anti women agenda. It seems to me that they're quite content with removing all support for women, making it near impossible for them to get back to work, and when they can't they get called feckless, etc etc. The disparity in the way that single mothers and single fathers are viewed is disgusting and misogynist and harks back to the dark days when women were considered dirty and dangerous for deigning to have had sex. Absolutely no recourse for the men who were 50% of the equation and then abandoned their partners when the going got tough. Rant over!

[Yellowpansies]

If you're eligible for tax credits, then you should also be able to claim 70% of the childcare costs back from tax credits.

BUT - 30% of £300 a week is still a lot. Childminders can be a bit cheaper - Maybe £5/£6 an hour but I don't live in London. Does the baby's father earn money? If so he should pay you 15% of whatever he earns, which would be on top of your tax credits/earnings/housing benefit, so might well cover your nursary costs, but if he's not working you will find it tight.

Working less than full time might work out no worse financially.

Being ill and looking after a child is crap and miserable, but if you're generally healthy it's not likely often to be imposible. It's a time to call in help from the child's father, your own parents, or friends if you can. You do also get a maternity leave which is a great time for getting out and meeting other new mums - if you make the most of that you can aquire yourself some friends who would help you out with childcare, and you can help them too. That's also an easier arrangement to form if you work part time, as you're able to offer something back by way of return childcare.

[Enb76]

I was not with the father of my child when I found out I was pregnant - he did step up. I would tell the father of your child you expect him to at the very least, pay some child support.

You know, you do cope emotionally, and you do get through it and being ill and looking after a child is completely manageable. Being a single parent in some ways is really lovely. You get to actually sleep when the baby sleeps - I never had the exhaustion other mothers did, you don't have to worry about anyone else, just you and the baby. You make friends, your friends help out, your parents (while they may be a bit shocked) are likely to properly support you, my mother was over the moon for me even though I felt like a 16 year old who'd done something awful.

I also lived in London, though I was in a flat on my own and just stayed in that flat. I worked full-time in private equity and from 9 months my child was in nursery from 8am - 6pm. I decided, that for me, it wasn't worth the money I earned or the constantly grumpy child and when my child was 18 months I moved away from London. I now work part-time somewhere green and my child is 7, at school and doing brilliantly.

Life may change a bit but if you want to keep the baby, there is nothing to stop you. Bits of it are hard but actually not as many as you think there might be.

[Flowerpower41]

You will also find op that you slowly grow into a MUCH stronger person emotionally to the point where over time you will perceive at least half the women in cohabiting relationships totally reliant and helplessly dependent on their partners. They are just so needy a good half of them - I do apologise if this offends any women in relationships out there but I have certainly observed this phenomenon!

You may even come to prefer your independence in time. I know I certainly do. I wouldn't swap it for all the money and the help from a man in the world.

[octobersunshine]

Thank you for your messages flowerpower and enb76

Regarding the father of your children, how did they react? Were they supportive of your decision?

I hate the thought of my child not knowing its father at all and his family too.

Also, how did you manage with childcare as a single parent?

One more question...did you face any stigma being a single mum? This scares me greatly, and I know it shouldn't because I think they're lazy stereotypes, but I hate the thought that people might automatically assume I'm a half-rate parent. I'm 27 but I look about 20 so this is probably accentuated...

[Cookiecake]

I am a single mum, had Ds at 18 and nobody has ever said anything negative about it. In fact I've had compliments at how I've managed (which some may see as patronizing but I appreciated).

It's me that's had like an issue with it, sometimes I've felt like people will judge me but they haven't. Also sometimes at school events I feel abit weird that everyone seems to have someone else there too, but I've made friends at school and now it's not so weird. People know the situation and in general and I have been quite happy as a single mum, despite this not being what I had envisaged at all (as I'm sure is the case for most people).

[OllyBJolly]

Different circumstances but I was a single parent from when the DDs were 2 and 5 months. No family within 200 miles. It was tough, but lots of joys as well. I think the hardest is having no time to yourself; if you do have any time there are so many things you have to do that there is little time for what you might want or choose to do.

As for illness and crises - you just cope. I was quite lucky - my kids were quite healthy and I had the most brilliant childminder. There are advantages with having childcare at work - straight journey and you're on hand if there are emergencies. My CM lived near my home and I quite enjoyed my commute to be able to transfer from "mum" to work mode. My CM would also take my kids home and put them to bed if I was held up. (Did I say she was brilliant?!) You might find a nanny share is possible - there must be loads of mums in parliament.

Re the half rate parent - just read the posts on this board. We're all half rate! Criticism from all corners! As a single parent you have almost total control over how your children live and what they are exposed to. Something very rewarding about that. You just do the best job you can.

Being a single parent meant me and my kids were very close and we still are. I was single for most of their lives and didn't get involved with anyone until they were both teens. Overall it was positive.

[Solasum]

Hi October. I was you. Having my DS is the best decision I have ever made.

Do get your ex to pay up. And once the baby arrives, try and build a relationship with his family. Ex was all but absentee for first year, though I took enough photos that DS will never know that. Ex's parents have skyped and visited very regularly despite being overseas. We went on holiday with them last year, and that whole side of the family has a great relationship with DS. Even though their first reaction hearing about the pregnancy was horror.

I was expecting a lot of stigma for being on my own, but have never encountered any, most people respect it is bloody difficult to do things on your own.

I went back to work part time when DS was 3 months and fulltime from 4. I couldn't have afforded anything else. And it was fine. Not ideal of course, but fine. My logic was that if I really couldn't cope with leaving him I could find another option down the line. I disn't want to spend all my savings.

Will your parents help? My mum has been brilliant helping with childcare alongside nursery.

I too looked for a single parent house share to no avail. A tiny baby doesn't need its own room though. I would recommend living somewhere with lots of baby groups, as you are going to have to get out there and make mummy friends. I have yet to meet any other single mothers, but everyone has their own problems. You will find support. Central London is a great place to have a baby

Also govt probably offers childcare vouchers, which will save you a bit more money too.

PM me if you want, and good luck

[Flowerpower41]

The other point I would like to stress op is do search high and low for some fellow single parents, preferable as near to your age as possible - as that seems to work best - as women with children and partners as nice as they are - simply WON'T get how different it is raising children alone. So that way you can be mutually supportive to each other.

Of course you can still be friends with those with partners/husbands but you won't be so much on the same wavelength which you will discover over time.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

I love being a sp. I'm 27 with two dc and I've basically been on my own with both of them since birth.

We are a great little family, it's a double edged sword so although someone to bounce things off of would be great at the end of the day its all down to me and I like that.

[Yellowpansies]

I think the thing with being a single parent is that it gets more common - and hence easier - as your children get older. At my anti-natal class there was just one session for partners too and there was only one woman who didn't bring a partner with her, and I think she probably was a bit self-concious (though if you look around hard I think you can get anti-natal classes that are just for women on their own) And when I was single with a 3 month old, I felt it was uncommon. By the time my kids were school age, there were many others, and it didn't seem odd at all.

I do think - assuming you've decided to go ahead with the pregnancy - you should tell the child's father as soon as you can. Just because you're not in a relationship with him doesn't mean he can't be a part of the child's life. It'll be up to him how much he does that, but there'll be more chance that he does if you try to involve him as much as you can. That gets a bit easier after the child is a bit older too, and can have a separate relationship with its father than doesn't really need to involve you. I've co-parented with my ex for twice as long as I was in a relationship with him now. My DD has never known us being together but still has a strong relationship with her dad.

And I've never encountered stigma as a single mum - or not that I've noticed. A bit of "I don't know how you do it", which is either flattering or patronising, depending how it's said, or what mood I'm in. At work I've sometimes avoided mentioning it (eg with meeting new contacts in a work capacity, who happen to ask about children) but close colleagues have always known and never said anything negative. I'm just a parent, like a lot of other people at work are. We all sort out childcare, talk about kids sometimes, etc - a lot of the time it doesn't really make any difference. I had just one friend (out of many) who's DW seemed to feel that they shouldn't associate with me any more - but I think that was probably just to do with being single, not because I was a single parent. Most people are supportive and friendly.

[CainInThePunting]

It's going to be tough.

Financially as you will have additional costs both expected and unexpected.
Career wise you will be disadvantaged regardless. Don't believe otherwise.
Socially you will find it harder as it's just not that easy, nights out become much more of a logistical nightmare. Having a responsibility at home ensures that.
There is a stigma, it's more subtle nowadays but it's out there alright.
In terms of romance, you will find a good proportion of the men in your age group don't want to date women with kids, fact.
Emotionally it's monumentally tough being a single mum, you will wonder if you made the right choice, what your life would be like if you'd made a different decision and you will, at times, regret your choice. Yes, you will.
Being ill is not an option, you just have to get on with it and cope.

Good luck OP.

[Flowerpower41]

Cain I agree with you I was still living down in London when I had ds and trust me there IS still a stigma to single parenting believe it or not! Which is ridiculous in this day and age.

They think we are all on benefits and man hungry and sex starved. Men give us strange looks and look us up and down if we look nice and our children are with us. I get this all the time. I get unsolicited friendship requests from single men on facebook who all assume we must all need an urgent rescue. I invariably ignore or delete them. They are just trying to hit on me and I am not inclined.....! Too put off the world of men to so much as contemplate that road .....

Cain is right in that most single men in London won't want to date a single parent. Oddly enough now I am living in the provinces that isn't the case. However the men are so ugly up here I wouldn't even go there. They really are the ugliest I have ever seen in my whole life. Whereas in prosperous parts of London/Berkshire etc. you only have to step out of the car and in 10 mins you have come across 3 decent goodlooking guys in one foul swoop. I think it must be a cultural thing. They just tend to let themselves go in no time up here!

I would further advise you op to hold on to every penny you earn and make it LAST. Even on a good month you will get unexpected bills and have no 2nd income to turn to. Unless your parents are stinking rich and overly generous you may find it hard. The good thing at your age your parents are at least still alive and will care about you. You have youth and energy on your side and for that I totally envy you whereas I was 41 when I had ds! I get rundown quite quickly and am not good with pressure these days.

The single parents who tend to come out of this the best are those with loaded family backgrounds - these are the ones who seem to sail through no matter what - plus the younger ones like yourself. So you do have certain things going for which should help.

Sorry for such a long message ladies!

[Preminstreltension]

I haven't faced any stigma tbh. But then I am older, in a well-paying job and with a degree of seniority. So maybe I don't fit the "those single parents" stereotype very well.

What I do find is that people in couples don't understand how hard it is (because I don't talk about it) so people assume I have a life like theirs. That I have seen all the latest TV programmes and films (I never sit down and the last film I saw was Slumdog Millionaire), that my children go to private school (I work in finance so everyone's children go to private school and they think I'm making some sort of political statement by sending my children to state school!), that I have hobbies, go to the gym etc etc.

Actually I go home after work, effectively do another full time job, go to bed shortly after the children because I am constantly exhausted and obviously never get a lie - in, and get up and do it all again! But I wouldn't have it any other way - I am happy. I direct my own life, I'm a good parent, my children are happy. If you want this enough you can do it October.

[Enb76]

I never met any stigma in London as a single parent. Having a mc background and a good job probably helps with that.

[Enb76]

The father of my child has absolutely stepped up. We'd broken up before I found out I was pregnant. The hardest bit of it all was the first 6 months when we were both finding our feet as parents. I really had to quash some of my feelings because I knew I was being unreasonable. I had a real mother bear thing going on and found it very difficult to share my child. That all gets easier with time. I have let him be as much a part of my child's life as he wants to be and I was lucky (though it shouldn't be lucky, it should be normal) and he wanted to be a parent.

We get on well, there was no acrimonious break-up so there's no sniping, jealousy, etc between us. If I had picked the father of my child I probably wouldn't have done a much better job. I have no inclination however to get into a relationship that would extend to sharing a house with someone ever again though. I like my happy little life, it's a little unconventional perhaps but I don't care. I have found that I can be pretty much totally self-reliant and it's fairly liberating.

The first two years are hard though, it's all so new and you're finding your feet and you worry about things that are beyond your control. You get angry, you get resentful, you think 'why me?', you feel like throwing your child out of a window etc... but you get through it and I think any parent, married or not probably feels those things too.

My child was the making of me.