Ex will not stick to contact order

[elizmummy]

We went to court in 2003 to agree contact for my ex and our dd 8 and ds 6. I was granted residency but have always tried to encourage regular contact between the children and their father.

Ours was a rather acrimonious divorce but we agreed he would see them on Wednesday 4pm-6pm and Sunday 10am-5pm every week. NEVER since 2003 has he ever kept to the agreed times and it's got to the point now, where it gets to 2pm on a Sunday and we're having to phone him to see where he is!

My solicitor says I cannot force him to turn up on time but could take him back to court to revise the agreement. Obviously this seems like the best idea but will cost me quite a bit as I am earning just over the threshold for legal aid.

Has anyone else experienced ex-partners not sticking to their contact orders and any suggestions about how to approach it? BTW ex refuses to have any sensible sort of discussion with me about it and the times agreed were strictly on HIS terms!

[Tinkerbel5]

sorry dont have any experience with contact orders, and as the solicitor says you cant make him turn up when he should do, but you are withing your rights to refuse him access (if you want) if he doesnt stick to the times.

[zookeeper]

Tricky. I would write him a reasonable letter saying that the children need stability and ask him to stick to the order. After that I would make sure that you are not in the house on wednesday after 4.30 and Sunday after 10.30 so that if he turns up late he cannot see them. If he turns up without notice at times other than on the order then don't allow contact.

I know this sounds very rigid, but it sounds as though you all need the certainty of sticking to the order until such time as there is enough trust between you to change arrangements to suit you both.

I don't know if this is practical for you and only you know if this is the right thing for your kids, but the current uncertainty must be bad for them so you've got nothing to lose! He has to understand that he cannot do what he likes - I certainly wouldn't be phoning him at 2pm on a sunday to ask where he is.

Hopefully, after missing a few Sunday afternoons, he will get the message and turn up on time and everyone will know where they stand.

No other ideas - would it be worth going to mediation?

[elizmummy]

Thanks Zookeeper. I have done the letter thing, which he never responds to and kept copies should we
need to return to court. We do make a point too, of being out if he hasn't arrived on time but he never complains! I think it just lets him off the hook!

I've tried it all ways believe me but am still reluctant to stop contact altogether. I sometimes wonder whether I'm doing more harm than good. All my (very sensible) friends and family cannot believe the way he carries on - and gets away with it!

[elizmummy]

Sorry and forgot to mention that mediation was attempted prior to our divorce but ex couldn't grasp the concept of staying quiet whilst the other was having their say! He really is the limit and I do wonder why I ever married him but then, he proboably says that about me!

[zookeeper]

oh dear,elizmummy, so much for my ideas!

How old are the children? Would he be more likely to stick to contact if it was less often, say alternate sundays?

You're within your rights to stop contact altogether - he doesn't sound as though he'll accept that and if he makes a court application your reasons for stopping contact will be listened to and hopefully he will be advised to stick to any agreements.

It's funny - the courts can stop fathers from seeeing their children but can't really force them to see them!

[7swansaswimmingup]

tell him every other week. obviously too much of a committment for him! praps he'll make a full day then rather than mucking the kids about.

do they ever say anything or get upset or just accept it

[zookeeper]

You're right 7swan, it's not ideal and he sounds a bit of a tosser but it's better than no contact, surely?

[WhizzBangCaligula]

Keep a diary of all his contact visits, so there is a clear record, easily readable by a third party, which shows how unreliable he has been. Do this for at least six weeks.

Then write to him with a copy of the record of his contact visits, advising that his unreliability is unacceptable and extremely inconvenient for you (to say nothing of the disappointment for the girls) and that in future, you propose that if he has not turned up at the agreed time and has not phoned you, you will give him half an hour grace but then proceed with other plans as it is not reasonable to expect you and the girls to hang around the house for three or four hours waiting for him. Ask him to propose a reasonable alternative if he is not happy with this suggestion, which you will be happy to consider. Keep copies of all correspondence.

Have a backup each week so that if he doesn't turn up, you and the girls do something else - park, cinema, whatever you can afford - so that they have some kind of compensation for their disappointment. Leave 30 minutes after he was due to arrive. Don't be available thereafter, until the next day.

When he finds out that he can't call the shots, he'll stop messing you and the girls around. Either he'll turn up on time, or he won't turn up at all. But either way, they'll know. If he takes you to court for blocking access, it will be immediately obvious to anyone intelligent, what the situation was.

[7swansaswimmingup]

zookeeper,def better than no contact, really i was agreeing with your post where you suggested it. good idea

[elizmummy]

Good idea WhizzBang! Never thought of keeping a contact diary and actually presenting it to ex! Maybe it'll be the jolt he needs to turn things around.

We do usually have an alternative plan for when he doesn't show - case of having to! BTW ds is 6 and dd is 8, so just beginning to realise that daddy is not always reliable. They're extremely good-hearted about it though and never hold it against him, which I find hard to take. However, I never make crass remarks about him infront of the dc but boy do I let off steam to poor old dp!!

[elizmummy]

Thanks too 7swans. I've tried cutting the visits down to every other week in the hope he will pull out all the stops on the occasions he does see the dc but alas it makes no difference! Seems the less he sees them, the less he wants to! He's even got to the point where he can't be bothered to come over to collect them and insists I drop them off. Obviously the dc want to see him, so I don't disappoint and duly drop them to him. Tell me I'm a mug!!

[7swansaswimmingup]

well i admire you for doing all the running,youre obviously a very good mummy
and hes not a very good daddy

hope he realises before its too late, that the kids will make their own opinions of him within a few years and might choose not to see him if he continually lets them down.

[elizmummy]

My sentiments exactly!! Some dads just don't get it do they!