Kids meeting ex new girlfriend. Wtf

(13 Posts)
edgarsuit Thu 06-Aug-15 08:01:40

Hi all

Please help
So ex is a total bell end.... He is not a nice guy at all he has a new girlfriend he has literally plucked the 1st girl to speak to him from the Internet. (that has the same name as me -bloody weirdo)
They have been seeing eachother around a month or two and he now wants to introduce her to our children.
I very politely asked if he could wait another couple of months at least. I've been seeing someone and wouldn't dream of introducing him to the kids for ages. I just don't see the need r the rush and feel if there is the slightest risk of it being detrimental to our kids just wait.
He now just keeps banging on about it and waited for me after work 'to discuss it ' AGAIN!!!! I said the same thing so he got nasty -as usual - and said he was gonna do it anyway and I can't stop him. Therefore I said well you won't be having the kids then

Have I gone too far was this the right thing to do should I back down?

I had already requested a mediation meeting the previous to this incident due to his aggression and swearing in front of the kids among other things.

I was intending to hold back on contact until I've had the meeting but I'm not sure if that's right or not

Trapper Thu 06-Aug-15 08:29:19

Regardless of how you feel about your ex's new relationship, you are being unfair and disrespectful to your children by using their visits as a form of blackmail. As you say, I think you need to back down.

hesterton Thu 06-Aug-15 08:31:57

He may not be doing it right but you can't dictate who he sees with his children unless they are at risk of abuse. You really need to back down even though you know this could well be a mistake on his part.

Bubblesinthesummer Thu 06-Aug-15 08:32:04

Sorry but children aren't possessions that you can use to get what you want in this situation.

I think you know you are being unfair though and will need to back off.

meditrina Thu 06-Aug-15 08:35:07

I think you have to back down in terms of retracting the 'well you won't be having the kids then'

You really must not use the children as pawns.

But you are right that it's not good to introduce children to new partners until you're reasonably sure that they'll be more than a transient one. Two months in does it seem sufficient to me. But if your ex is hellbent on doing this, then it's worth trying to persuade him to bill her as a friend, rather than a girlfriend.

Swearing is not a reason to stop contact. Aggression might be, but not possible to tell from what you have posted.

Reginafalangie Thu 06-Aug-15 08:35:16

Unless the new GF poses a danger to the children then you cannot dictate who he introduces them to I am afraid.

To withhold contact because of that is using the children as a weapon and that is out of order.

I know it is difficult and mediation can be helpful and you need to remember the children love their father and deserve the chance to have a relationship with him.

edgarsuit Thu 06-Aug-15 08:48:46

I am definitely not trying to use them as a weapon at all.. yes I may have expressed it in the wrong tone but that was frustration. although I think your right I will need to back down and I will, but it breaks my heart and It kills me that he just doesn't care about the impact it will have on the kids... every single decision he makes is bad and I can't control it and my children are going to suffer as a result I just want to protect them from his constant mistakes I was hoping that if I can hold off contact until I get to talk to a meditator they may be able to see reason.. As for the swearing it's every time he is near me and in my house slamming doors, calling me the C word piece of shit etc. In front of them this is the reason for the mediation initially. it's in front of them and it's really affecting me I feel sick every time I have to see him.

AuntieStella Thu 06-Aug-15 08:51:52

Oh, that sounds horrid.

But perhaps the answer is to stop letting him in to your home and do handovers on the doorstep or away from the house completely (and if the latter, you could see if someone else would do them for you sometimes).

Reginafalangie Thu 06-Aug-15 08:53:26

Why is he in your home? If he is verbally abusive towards you then you need to change how contact happens.

Can he collect/drop off at a neutral or public venue?
There is no need for you to have lots of contact with him. Communicate via text or e-mail and only talk about contact time. You can protect yourself from the abuse OP which in turn will mean it doesn't happen in front of your children.

I hope mediation goes well.

edgarsuit Thu 06-Aug-15 09:01:12

It's difficult as he is unreasonable he just doesn't listen or understand stuffand will happily shout abuse at me in the middle of the street so it doesn't really make a difference . I work until 9 on Tues 10 on Fri so he has to have them at mine so they can go to bed. He won't have them at his.. But that's something I will discuss with mediation as to weather he can let them sleep at his and drop them back in the morning.. But that means I will see him 4days a week rather than getting it over with in 2 days.

coffeenowalnuts Thu 06-Aug-15 09:20:19

But if your ex is hellbent on doing this, then it's worth trying to persuade him to bill her as a friend, rather than a girlfriend

You think someone who is comfortable calling their children's mother a cunt right in front of them is going to give a shit about technicalities? No, you mustn't withhold a loving father from his children, but where IS the loving father in all this? Anyone see one? I love my children - therefore I do not and would never, demean, humiliate, or abuse their father in front of them. It's as easy as that.

Reginafalangie Thu 06-Aug-15 09:27:33

I agree coffee however the OP isn't withholding contact because of the verbal abuse her children witness......she has decided to withhold it because she doesn't want them introduced to the new GF. That is wrong.

CerealEater Thu 06-Aug-15 22:08:18

Stopping contact as you don't approve of his choices is wrong, children are not pawns to be used to punish each other.

You have both jumped into relationships very quickly without giving the children time to settle after the breakup and rebound relationships rarely last.

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