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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

why am i always the 'bad person'?

15 replies

ellesbells · 15/11/2006 09:28

sorry to moan. im feeling so down dont know what to do! my ex doesnt want anything to do with our DD (she is nearly 8 months) he has never seen her and says he doesnt want to. so, I went to the CSA. (i think it was more about making him acknowledge dd than the money if im honest!) anyway, he denied she was his we had DNA ect ect and now the assessment has been done (?28 a week). he has three kids with his EW who he pays support for also through the CSA. It works out however, that he is not going to pay any more money out of his pay, the CSA have just split the support into 4. this means that his ex has lost ?120 per month whilst he is in the same position! i loved his kids and got on well with his ex. she called me yesterday saying that they would lose their home as they were struggling already! i feel like shit, cant stop crying and just feel like the trouble maker! i keep swaying from feeling like this to thinking that im right because my dd deserves it as much as the other kids. am i wrong? should i tell the CSA to stop the whole thing? opinions please.

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fairyjay · 15/11/2006 09:32

I can't give you any advice, but you must realise that you're in this situation because your ex is a totally inconsiderate and irresponsible person. It's not your fault. I really feel for you and his ex-wife.

It probably doesn't help much, but I do believe that what goes around, comes around, and he will get what he deserves.

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WhizzBangCaligula · 15/11/2006 09:34

It is absolutely outrageous that men are allowed to go around having as many kids as they like and have a cap on how much it costs them, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your ex chooses not to pay proper maintenance to all his children actually (if he's doing it via the CSA it's at poverty level anyway) and the law supports him in that. Your DD still has a right to his support. You're not responsible for the fact that his other ex is not being paid properly, and you won't be responsible if he has another couple of kids he won't support properly either.

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sandydut · 15/11/2006 09:41

What a nightmare for you. Please don't beat yourself up. Your child is just as entitled to maintenance as his other children. I appreciate what you say about his EW but in my view you have to look after yourself and your child first.

Sandy

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ellesbells · 15/11/2006 09:56

thanks all. i just never considered the possibility that his other kids would loose their home when i started this (i was angry with him for not seeing DD) since yesterday tho ive had friends and his family sucking in air (you know, the 'look how much trouble you've caused' type thing) feeling pretty shit right now.

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sandydut · 15/11/2006 10:01

I doubt very much that his family would lose their home in reality. Presumably they could claim benefits if this was likely to happen?

It really isn't your problem hun. You are obviously a lovely lady to be considering them but he's the one who should be doing that and if it is at all likely that they would lose their home then he should pay them more regardless of the CSA.

Keep your chin up hun

Sandy

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Tortington · 15/11/2006 10:04

they wont lose thier home. shes full of shit. if she owns her home she can arange for benefits to pay the interest for 6 months.

and remember he didnt keep his dick in his pants

and if he was that fucking bothered about his other children losing their home he would giove them more money

the only fucking fuck wank here is the man.

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ellesbells · 15/11/2006 10:06

thanks for your support sandy. i saw the thread you had before! was gobsmacked at lack of support. glad you are still giving it out tho! was nervous posting this. tbh

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ellesbells · 15/11/2006 10:07

thanks custard. love it when people dont mince their words!

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Bugsy2 · 15/11/2006 10:08

You must not think that this is your fault. You are only trying to do what is right for your daughter. Your ex-p is at fault. It is not fair for your ex-s ex-wife to phone you up & say she might lose her house. In all honesty, this is not your problem either.
Don't tell the CSA to stop, your child by him deserves the support just as much as the others.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this stress, but you just worry about yourself & your DD for now. It is his problem & his ex-wife's problem to deal with their children.

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sandydut · 15/11/2006 10:16

No worries ellesbells. I was well aware that my post may not go down terribly well, although didn't expect quite so much vitriol!

Anyway this isn't about me it's about you and I hope you can take some comfort from the people who are now supporting you.
Keep your head held high - you are doing all you can to protect your child and if some people don't like it then that's their problem at the end of the day.

Sandy

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ellesbells · 15/11/2006 10:26

i think sandy, it was more a case of my feelings on the reasons i went to the csa if you know what i mean? ive no doubt that he should be supporting her, but i think i wouldnt have took a penny from him if he had contact with her. i dont need the money desperatly (im not rich! far from it) but it was my way of not letting him walk away from her. does that make sense? i feel all im going to achieve is hurting his other kids who i adore, while he still walks away.

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WhizzBangCaligula · 15/11/2006 10:31

But ellesbells, it's not you achieving it, it's him.

If you feel really awful about it, you always have the option of giving the money to the ex.

That way, it's clear it's come from you and it's your daughter's by right. He can explain to all his children when they're old enough to understand, why a mother of his children had to help support another mother of his children, because the support coming from him was so damned inadequate.

The prick.

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ellesbells · 15/11/2006 10:37

PML whizz havnt laughed for a while. your right tho i probably would feel better if i gave it to her (it did cross my mind) and it will come back to haunt him i know that and yes he is a prick!

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sandydut · 15/11/2006 10:40

I understand TOTALLY where you are coming from!! If I'm honest it's pretty much the same reason I went to the CSA - these men should face up to their responsibilities I'm afraid.

I had years of my ex saying that he wanted me to have his child and no-one elses and then he disappeared when I was 20 weeks.

I convinced myself that something awful would happen to my son because I had basically pretty much done it out of spite, but thank god I've now got over those feelings.

If you do feel so bad and if his ex wife really is on the breadline then you could always help her out with SOME of your money, but with the proviso that if your circumstances change then you would need to stop paying. Personally though I think this could cause more problems and bad feeling in the long run.

Like you I don't actually need his money to survive but on the other hand my ex earns a fortune and spends most of it on his own hobbies/activites/drinking, so I don't think for one minute his family are suffering as a result of it. Are you telling me that your ex doesn't still enjoy a drink or a night out - I doubt it.

Sandy

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ellesbells · 15/11/2006 15:11

thanks sandy. glad someone else has done it for the same reasons! your right whizz got to keep saying its right i did it! moral of my story: dont get involved with reprobate men with a history!