Cant believe what ex did....

(21 Posts)
lillybee1 Sat 06-Jun-15 21:18:11

My LO has just turned two. We had a joint celebration last week. Today the ex took LO and told me he was going out for a meal with two members of his family to celebrate. LO was gone out for the whole day. When ex returns he says LO got lots of presents at the 'birthday meal'. I ask who was there and he lists 10 people - people he knows from work, old friends, family members - all out to celebrate LO's second bday. I ask why he didn't tell me about it and he says he did tell me!! I'm sorry but going out with a couple of family members is not the same as having a big celebration in a restaurant with people I don't even know. It really upsets/pisses me off as ex knows full well he didn't tell me exact plan (he has a big habit of lying or not telling me whole story) and it annoys me he's gone to the effort of planning a whole celebration. We only split up a few months ago, LO is only two and I would never even THINK of arranging a birthday meal for LO without ex. It would be too weird and sad doing it alone. I know people will say this is usual and ex's plan separate birthdays etc but just the idea of a little two year old having a celebration with all these people and I, the mum, is not there and not even aware of it! I'm also sure he told people there stuff like 'I didn't want to come' or 'I was busy" - blatant lies! I really hate my ex for doing things like this and I really wonder how anyone can be like this. I know LO probably had a great time and all but am I right in feeling so upset/amazed this has even happened?

AmyElliotDunne Sat 06-Jun-15 21:30:18

He probably didn't tell people that you didn't want to come. Most people would assume that as you are separated you wouldn't come anyway.

Sorry, I don't see the problem. You had a joint celebration last week. He wanted to celebrate with some of his own friends. Absolutely no reason why he should have to tell you his exact plans or invite you along.

I'm afraid you will have to get used to things happening without you. Yes, it's nice when people can do things together for the DCs after separation, but it isn't compulsory.

Fwiw, I am divorced with 3 DCs and so is DP. We sometimes do things together with our exes and sometimes don't.

lillybee1 Sat 06-Jun-15 21:40:42

Good for you Amy! Talk about cold....

Bahh Sat 06-Jun-15 22:46:36

Sorry, don't see the problem at all. Do you have to be present at each and every 'gathering' your child attends? They were with their father, perfectly safe and looked after. The people there presumably know you have split and I don't know that anyone would wonder why you weren't there, as far as I am aware/have experienced, once split up you will celebrate occasions separately unless it's particularly big or important. I'm sure nobody expected you to be there or thought badly of you for it.

I think you're creating a drama for yourself. You had a shared celebration, LO has now been lucky enough to have another with a whole other set of people and presents. Focus on how lovely that must be for them and how it's good that they and their father have lots of people who care about them.

Weebirdie Sat 06-Jun-15 22:52:35

Learning how to be separated can be very hard and I think its perfectly understandable that you're upset about today because its not really just about today, its about a whole lot of things. Its all just a big huge muddle of emotions.

Things will get easier, honestly, but in the meantime its ok at times to be upset at times and feel all out of sorts even for daft reasons - not that today was a daft reason.

FenellaFellorick Sat 06-Jun-15 22:52:41

thanks
I'm sure it is because it's early days. It's only been a few months since you were a couple. This life is all new and it will take a bit of time for you to find your feet.
It is true yes that this is how it will probably be, but that's ok. It's just going to take time for you to adjust. It will be ok. x

PatriciaHolm Sat 06-Jun-15 23:33:42

I really don't see the issue. You say you didn't know many of the people, and you are separated. Seperate celebrations are entirely normal, honestly.

PatriciaHolm Sat 06-Jun-15 23:34:24

I really don't see the issue. You say you didn't know many of the people, and you are separated. Seperate celebrations are entirely normal, honestly.

MishMooshAndMogwai Sat 06-Jun-15 23:53:50

You'll get used to it. Trust me, there's far worse you'll have to put up with than this.
It feels odd and it's v normal to be pissed off with every little thing he does and look for reasons to be annoyed but quite often exs can't do right for doing wrong and I think once the dust settles you'll see that you need to pick your battles flowers

lillybee1 Sun 07-Jun-15 08:04:14

Thank you Weebirdie and FenellaFellorick - it is all recent, I'm still trying to work it all out and I hope things do get better in time.

To the other replies it's really very unhelpful to say things like 'I don't see the issue' and it's 'normal' to have separate celebrations. I don't think it's normal to have a birthday celebration and not even tell the mother! Also, I am not a robot. We were together just a few months ago, this whole separation is very new to me and prior to this I knew what LO was up to every day since birth. Now I have no idea and it does't feel 'normal' at all. Because we are separated doesn't mean I can turn off my emotions! I thought this was a support forum and I realise not everyone has to agree and has differences of opinions but saying things like 'I think you're creating a drama for yourself' is incredibly patronising and not helpful in the slightest.

ScooseIsLoose Sun 07-Jun-15 08:21:04

People are offering you advice and their opinions, no one is being mean to you. When you post on a public forum people will have differing opinions to your own. Fwiw I appreciate this must be hard for you it will take time to adjust.

HeadDoctor Sun 07-Jun-15 08:24:16

I'm sure you posted about this a few months ago. From your reaction, I'm not surprised your ex didn't tell you, I'm guessing he knew you would be angry or upset. And you just asked whether you were right to feel the way that you do so I think it's to expected that some posters have basically said no.

This wasn't about you, it was about your daughter. Yes, it will be difficult for you as you adjust to these things but that doesn't mean your ex has done anything wrong at all. You've been separated for a few months now, you need to start untangling yourself from him, from the idea that you can still be a family together with your daughter.

You are separated and therefore it is absolutely normal that he no longer tells you what he is doing, even when your DD is with him. Yes it's going to hurt but that's for you to deal with either with the support of friends, family or a counsellor but not by lashing out at your ex for actually doing something quite nice.

Karen and Nick Woodall have a great book called The Separated Parents Handbook - I'd have a read of that.

RinkRashDerbyKisses Sun 07-Jun-15 08:25:42

To the other replies it's really very unhelpful to say things like 'I don't see the issue'

But what if they don't see the issue? Not everyone will agree with you.

Sorry that you're having a hard time and you must be going through lots of different emotions right now but I do think that there isn't much of an issue here with the party.

mrsdavidbowie Sun 07-Jun-15 08:26:13

Amy was speaking from experience.
It wouldn't be normal in pre separation times....but when you a d partner are no longer together, things change.
It would be awkward for other people unless you have the most amicable break up going.
Your child has had a lovely birthday by the sounds of it.
Sadly, there will be more occasions like this.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 07-Jun-15 08:36:50

Sorry, but I don't see the issue either, this is the first of many, many such situations, and totally normal - separated parents have separate interaction with their child, that's how it works

DinosaursRoar Sun 07-Jun-15 08:41:54

I don't think it's normal to have a birthday celebration and not even tell the mother! - its not normal in a family where the parents are together. It is normal in a family when the parents are separated. This is the first 'significant' event since you split, so if you weren't expecting it, then it'll be hard. But unfortunately, you arent one big family anymore. There will be separate birthday and Christmas celebrations, although you might also do some joint. Big events are no longer something you do as a unit. You might agree to do somethings together, but then if your exP wants to do things separately, it's not really something you get to control anymore. (No more than he can insist on coming along to parties/meals/events you arrange in 'your time'.)

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 07-Jun-15 08:46:41

Lily the first few times this happens it is really hard and not knowing what your child is doing with the other parent is tough to.
But, it really is very normal for separated parents to have separate birthday celebrations with their children.
This is the first time for you and that is why it is upsetting. Those saying it is normal are trying to point out that this is how it is going to be and getting upset is causing you distress.
It is lovely that he made an effort for you DCs birthday so many fathers don't, but it is normal for you not to be invited.

Weebirdie Sun 07-Jun-15 08:54:26

There are ways of saying things that can soften a blow and sometimes a bit of kindness doesn't go amiss.

Savethesm Sun 07-Jun-15 10:53:22

He should have told you so it wasn't a shock. But, have your reactions in the past meant he decided not to?

I'm another who thinks its normal. But also one who still feels sad at not bein with dd at birthday celebrations 10 years on wink

It's okay to feel sad, but not to blame him. He's trying to find his way as a separated parent too. And it's lovely for your dd to have two big celebrations!

Starlightbright1 Sun 07-Jun-15 18:18:19

I am sorry you are finding it tough...I separated from my Ex when he was 10 months old and when he was 2 his Dad wanted to come...I refused on the basis this was my new life I had built and he wasn't part of it. To be honest this was about making my DS have a nice day. I was going to organise it, pay for it and his dad was going to swan in know no one and I had enough to deal with.

This is very raw for you but it is the norm, the same as you will do things without you DD dad there.

You do need to remember to choose what you argue about and make sure you are open to your Ex telling you otherwise you will end up not knowing anything as Ex won't tell you to save a row.

ItsRainingInBaltimore Sun 07-Jun-15 18:32:03

I'm sorry but I really don't get the outrage either. You are separated - why on earth should you expect to be included on days out with his friends and family when you already had a joint celebration for your DS's birthday last week? confused

I think perhaps you are struggling with the transition from being in a couple to being single and that is understandable, but what he did really wasn't unreasonable. It makes no difference whether there were two people there, or ten, or twenty. He isn't obliged to give you every last detail of how he spends his weekends and with whom. I am sorry you are upset but you are in the wrong here with your unrealistic expectations, not him.

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