Pattern of seeing Dad?(27 Posts)
I can't see a thread on this so feel free to point me to threads I've missed instead of replying to this one. I know there must have been hundreds of them over the years, just can't find one.
DH has just moved into his new flat this weekend. We're about to work out when they stay with him. He lives in the same small town as we do.
He'd like them Sat night, Sun night and Wed night. I've just done a little calendar on a piece of scrap paper and that, to me, looks like the kids (3 inc a baby) will be doing a lot of toing and froing.
What is the received wisdom about what's best for the kids in terms of how they divide their time?
Yes that's what he's proposing anyway. Sat night, Sun night and Wed night. I suppose he's maybe thinking I'd see them Sat in the daytime. Presume so.
I'm trying to keep what I want out of it for the minute, but bear in mind I didn't want this break up to happen, I wanted us to be a family, I wanted my children in the family home 100% of the time. So although it's bloody hard work on your own with 3 children, one of which is a baby, it's what I signed up for when I had them (except I signed up for a loving husband in the mix too...which clearly isn't possible).
At the moment I'm keeping that to one side because for the children's sake I want them to be with their Dad as much as possible and as much as they want to. Tonight, the middle one (6) was upset and wanted daddy here at bedtime, which DH obliged at the drop of a hat.
I don't foresee any animosity at this stage around what the plan is but I do think DH has form recently for thinking a bit more about what's best for him rather than what's best for the children. He's not a total pillock - if I point out that his idea isn't great for the children then he'd see it and change his thinking. I just mean it's not always his starting point.
I'm a bit taken aback that he's thinking of having them quite so often since we'd originally looked at a plan which involved one day/night per weekend and one school pick up/overnight mid week.
I'm thinking if he wants them 3 nights, then wouldn't it be best to be consecutive so they know where they are. Instead of toing and froing. On the other hand I don't think 3 consecutive nights is ideal for the baby to be away from me. Not sure the other 2 would want to be away that long either.
Maybe I need to ask them directly what they'd like. I don't know. Maybe they need the adults to tell them what they're doing so they feel secure.
Any advice appreciated.
That was a long one. If anyone's still reading, any advice would be great.
I think alternate weekends might suit the kids better. And you. Lots of parties/clubs/play dates happen on Saturdays. You risk never spending any quality time with the kids if you agree to this.
For my baby, this would have been too much. You know in your gut what's best for yours though. Trust your instincts.
Sorry you have to go through this. It's shit.
My ex and I did split weekends for a while. It didn't really work out. We now do alternate weekends.
In terms of toing and froing we found that as long as the children knew which day they were supposed to be where it didn't matter.
Thanks for this. He definitely wants to see them more than alternate weekends and if they can cope with the toing and froing then I suppose that means they see us in a balanced way.
I still hate the fact that I have to divide my time to see them when it used to be that I with them all of the time. I suppose that's the deal you're left with when your 'D' H leaves the family home though. It's all very new so I'm still just at the beginning of processing that side of things.
I'm just trying to deal with the practicalities at the moment.
So - any other views on this?
We had my DSC every weekend but no midweeks and after a few years that changed so that they now stay at moms 1 weekend a month. Our every weekend though for us was either Fri night or Sat morning until Sunday night or Monday morning.
Now things have changed a bt as they are older and live in same town as us - they will come over sometimes in the week or stay longer and sometimes dsd may go home earlier if she has plans but DSS will stay longer.
I suppose as long as you can be amicable and both accept that things will change as your DC's change then try it and if it doesn't work you can always change it so it suits everyone.
Another think about not every weekend due to the fact the school children in particular you will get no quality time, planning a weekend away will be tough.
What about week 1 Sat , Sun and a midweek
Week 2 Thursday, Friday, retun to you Sat Am ?
Do include your future plans for work ? no idea if you are on maternity leave or not ?
Thanks for the ideas. I'm working full time (to support us all) so yes, worth bearing in mind both parents are working full time.
Could he work up to 3 nights with the youngest and have the older children 3 consecutive nights?
I think it's nice for you that 2 of he's nights he would be getting them to school the next day, so he isn't the good time parent while you are the nag getting them out the door on time with uniform on.
I think it can work when every single week isn't the same, ds stays at he's df's 1 night one week and 2 nights the next. ATM he doesn't notice that every week is different (age 3) but when he is older I think I will make him a days calendar so he knows what to expect.
I see what you mean about them being home 2 nights and the gone again, could he give them dinner and bring them home Weds?
I'd say let him take them as much as possible, could you work the days/nights he has them so that it reduces childcare issues?
I think that every weekend can be nice for younger children as they don't have such a long time between seeing daddy. Not so easy for adults though. I hope you would get all say Saturday until about 6?
Thanks for all the various options. I'm new to this so it's good to hear the variations that there can be.
@MM - childcare isn't really an issue because I'm home based so I do most of the school runs and (am very lucky to) have very willing parents nearby to help on the days I can't do it.
Any other variations that people would recommend? And anyone else got thoughts on his current suggestion of every weekend plus a midweek (which seems too much like pillar to post to me...not to mention I'd miss 'em at the weekends!).
Maybe one night+day of the weekend then 1 night during week?
Me and ex hubby have a similar set up to what your ex is suggesting.
Ds goes to his 3 nights a week, we'd bed time Till Saturday tea/morning ( time on a sat alternates weekly)
My ds is 1.5 and in all honesty has settled very well into his new routine - I say new it's been 6 months now that this agreement has been in place.
It was hard at first because like you it wasn't what I'd planned and I had a bit of resentment handing my baby over but for us it works. He gets additional time with ds if he's off work and likewise for me.
However I wouldn't want the to and fro what he's suggested but then I moved an hour away so slightly different to you
I would say no to this arrangement, no way would I give up every weekend with my children. I also wouldn't want my youngest to be away so much. 13 months is still a baby.
I find alternate weekends work best as then you can get away for a weekend sometimes (both with and without the children). My youngest was about 15 months old when we started 50/50 shared care.
Another vote for alternate weekends here! But you could also have a week night every week, to keep up the level of regular contact?
Thanks everyone. I've agreed to a night in the week and a day+night at the weekend. I think at the moment that would suit 2 out of the 3 of the children so it makes sense to start there.
Me again. We've settled into alternate weekends plus every Tuesday (back in time for bed).
I'd like him to have them a little bit more ideally so I get more help in the week. Because the weekend that I have them means I do a fortnight on my own and when the youngest has sleep issues, I'm on my knees by the time it gets to 'his' weekend.
Can people tell me how they structure it please? Esp those doing 50/50 people but all other variations too please.
(I feel I ought to be trailing bandages as the zombie is watching me as I type)
Maybe he will be able to have them overnight midweek as they get older, With such a little one you need to build up contact.
ALso adjust your fortnight to make life easier for yourself. Something else may have to give until your non sleeper is better at sleeping. (my littlest was a bit traumatised byt he breakup and clung all night. he is a lot better now) (I do 100% of time but have the luxury of not working as ex pays enough maintenance)
We've done all variants of 50:50 with DSD.
Week on / week off - bit too disruptive and also meant she couldn't do any out of school activities consistently.
5;2;2;5 - so alternating weekends Fri - Mon and then each Mon and Tues night with Mum and Wed and Thurs with Dad. This worked pretty well. Actually this probably worked best when DSD was younger.
Then we tried 4:3:3:4 - so Mum did Sun - Wed, Dad did Wed - Sat and they alternated Saturday night. This worked fairly well apart from the split weekend thing - it made it tricky to go away at the weekends as someone else has mentioned higher up the thread.
DSD is older now and doing Mon - Fri with Dad and Fri - Mon with Mum. So it's not strictly speaking 50:50 but it works better for her to do school with Dad and weekends with Mum.
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