How often do your dc's dad see them? Am I asking too much?

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Dh (ex) has just accused me of using him as a baby sitter. We separated a month ago and he gets the keys to a new flat this month, the point of him getting the flat was so the dc's could stay over. He is now saying he can't have them stay over as he doesn't feel well enough to look after them, we both have mental health issues and have both been struggling since the break up. He has been baby sitting once a week so I can go out with friends ( just for a couple hours ), he obviously doesn't want me to go out in case I have fun or meet someone else.

Both my dc's have sn's and can be a handful, half term will be hard work so I asked for a bit of extra help but was told that because I kicked him out I should learn to look after the kids on my own and not ask him to look after them, eventually he agreed to sit with them tomorrow night for a couple hours but made a right fuss.

I want him to agree to gave them on night each weekend ( fri or Sat ) and to sit with them here one night every other week but apparently this is using him. Am I asking too much?

How often do your dc's see or stay with their dad?

[foolonthehill]

I think you need to separate the children's relationship with their dad and your need for time.

Assuming that it is beneficial for DC to have a relationship with their dad and that he is well enough to cope and is not abusive to them then 2 nights a week is probably a fair starting point (caveat: I don't know whether Dcs specific SNs have an impact on their routines or needs).

You obviously also need down time and a social life BUT your ex is using his time with the DCs to control/upset you. The solution would be to set up childcare independently of him (childminder/babysitter or family) to cover your social life.

The downside of this is that you either need a helpful, local family member or to have funds available to pay. And I realise that this may be tricky.

Ideally you should get a formal agreement for his contact with the DC and dissociate from his manipulation of you. Of course this does not mean he will stick to it.

I would also try to keep DC contact with dad out of your space if possible.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

My dm does baby sit but can only do every other week as she works late shifts every other week, I don't have anyone else really, have asked my dad to do this week but he has never baby sat the dc's so am a little nervous.

Dh has been choosing to see the dc's here as he has not had accommodation up until now ( moves in this week ) so seeing them here has been the only option, this is why I suggested the Friday nights. He knows which ever night he has them I will go out. I think he is worried how he will cope in a one bed flat with both dc's but it won't be hard, I can drop them off with him at 6pm and pick them up early the next morning so they won't get time to play up. I think he's only refusing because he is hoping I will struggle and then have him back.

[foolonthehill]

yes. he is using the children as a weapon and not as HIS children with whom he needs to have an independent relationship...for this reason it would be best if he has them at his place (once he gets it set up) and for some waking hours as well as sleeping.

Of course if/when he has the DC you are going to use that time...but if in your head it is linked as "you time" and he can manipulate and upset you by failing to step up that gives him power. You don;t want to be manipulated and upset by his games so it is better if you are able to separate dependable "you time" from his far from dependable children time. That way you don;t get upset and he does not get the satisfaction.

[Letitgoletitgo]

He is definitely being difficult. However, the suggestion of dropping them off at 6pm and picking them up early the next morning does sound a bit like you are using him as a baby sitter. I would have thought it better for him to have them for a full day plus a night at the weekend. If you especially want a night in the week, he should have them earlier than 6pm so he can be a dad, not a babysitter.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Legitgo, that was his suggestion a few days ago ( not mine ) as he was worried he could not entertain them during the day and his landlord doesn't want too much noise during the day, wasn't my suggestion so I could go out. But since he made the suggestion he has now changed his mind and doesn't think he can cope with them at all , he keeps changing his mind, thinks it's easier to see them here when I am here ( as this means he doesn't have to do anything and he gets to see me ).

[Singleandproud]

I guess this Depends on his mental health needs and whether he really can look after them. like others have said you did to separate his contact time from your need for space, unfortunately single parents don't get much time to themselves and you need to find things to do at home to help you relax or have friends over. Once he moves into his new accommodation he needs to take his children there and take them out during the day, soft play the park whatever if he has chosen to live somewhere with a landlord who doesn't want noise. He probably wants to drop them off to you (to upset your evening plans) so that he doesn't have to do the difficult evening plans.

How are your children faring in this? What are their SN and how does it affect them to be in contact with dad? I'd imagine to help them they really need a structured schedule of when they are going to see him. how will they cope with staying away from home? I'd imagine some children with autism etc would find it very difficult to have their routine adjusted so much.

My ex has Dd every Wednesday after school (3-6) or all day in the holidays and every other weekend (after dance class till 5pm on Sunday) this depends on his work schedule but is what we do normally.

[Singleandproud]

*evening plans was meant to say bedtime routine

[Finola1step]

I think.you need to stop looking at this as your ex "babysitting". If they are his dc, he can not babysit them, he needs to parent them. So once you see it that you are expecting him to parent his own dc, you will see that what you want is reasonable.

That said, the key issue here is whether or not your ex is emotionally well enough to parent. And if not, what is he doing about that?

[Nevergoingtolearn]

Dc's are 9 and 11, both have autism but cope reasonably well with big change ( not so good with smaller ), tbh they have not really noticed that he has gone, when he visits they will talk to him for 5 minutes and then disappear to do their own thing ( buts that's just the way they are ), they will both be able to cope with staying over but would struggle for too long during the day as they would need to be able to use their iPad online ( he has no wifi or internet connection ) which is why he thought it would be easier for them to come over later, stay the night and then go home after breakfast. He is fine with them when they are indoors but struggles when out as dc2 struggles with quite a few situations so being indoors is probably easiest, they are too old for soft play and parks can be a bit too busy.

At the moment they have no structure, dh just comes and goes as he pleases or when I ask him too ( as he's not in the flat yet ) so it has been easier for him to see them and I go out either to see friends of to do the food shopping, up until now he has had nowhere to take them so he could only see them at the house.

I don't expect him to baby sit them, I just want set days where he sees them that suits both of us, most of the time my mum baby sits ( every other week ) but when I tell him someone else is looking after them he says 'don't be stupid, I will do it' but then after will accuse me of using him. He is looking after them tonight, he will will come over at 5pm and I will feed him and the kids before I pop out for a few hours ( so he can spend time with them before they go to bed ), dc1 will stay up until I get home and spend time with him.

I want him to have them one night a week, I will go out when he has them ( or course I'm going to make the most of a child free night ) but it's none of his business what I do.

He is probably in a better mental state then me, he has always suffered from depression, yes it's obviously very hard for him having to adjust to living alone but I'm finding things very hard too and I have 2 autistic children to look after. Yes I kicked him out and decided to be a single parent but living with him wasn't easy, I didn't want to be a single parent but I couldn't go on being miserable just so the kids had a dad living with them.

[Nevergoingtolearn]

And he will only be living 10 minutes away, I won't be going out drinking as I will be on call to collect dc's if I need too ( I only go out with friends for a couple non alcoholic drinks in a quite pub ).

I'm worried if he doesn't start having them stay soon they will refuse to go at all ( as they will get used to not seeing him ).

[foolonthehill]

structure is best for you and for DC.

A "normal" court order would give him one mid week tea time plus every other weekend plus half of holidays.

My exwas awarded every other weekend plus half of hols but no mid week. He is very EA and some of my DC refuse to go. However having a set timetable has helped me to detach...and now he either does or doesn't do "his time". No fuss, no discussion. If he doesn't take his time he doesn't. I just get on.

Yes it's a bit rubbish that he gets freedom and choice and I am just always there to pick up the slack.But because I expect nothing for me I am not fussed what he does. (OK that's a bit of a lie...he winds me up a LOT but Itry hard not to let it show and it's getting easier).

Hope you canwork something suitable for your DCs