Feeling really low

[WhywouldIdothat]

I'm feeling really low at the moment, I have 2 DCs under 6, am on my own with them. I had some conflict with my DC's teacher last week which really upset me, as I felt my parenting was being criticized which has never happened before. Looking back, I think the teacher could have handled the situation much better and I am surprised at how emotionally I reacted, floods of tears in public etc. I work nearly full-time (some weeks more than full-time) and then it's the daily grind of homework, baths, dinner etc. We live in a rural area and I'm finding it just about impossible to make new friends, not to be snobby but most people round here are from farming communities whereas I have a postgraduate degree, I have tried a mum-and-toddler group with my youngest and, although met a couple of nice grannies, no-one I could really imagine forging a friendship with. To make matters worse, I was abused as a child, went thru years of counselling and psychiatric help but my mother died earlier this year which has brought a lot of it back and made me feel just so disappointed with life. I hate even saying this because I am an optimist usually and see the good in all things but my mother died without any chance of reconciliation, in pain, having had a sad life herself. Also around this time it became increasingly difficult for me to contact my grandfather who was the only relative I had kept a bond with, due to interference from the abuser. I didn't fight to stay in touch with granddad as I didn't want any kind of contact with the abuser. Plus I think I may be pregnant, I would love to have another child, but at the moment I feel a dark cloud over me at all times, I feel too distracted to play properly with the children a lot of the time although I do make a big effort and I just can't figure out how things will get better. I consider moving house, or changing jobs (my job is solitary, IT-based, which means no adult companionship thru that)...Going back on anti-depressants but I've found over the years they don't really solve anything, and have finished counselling though still have a diagnosis of disability on mental health grounds resulting from the severity of the abuse. Weeks go by without seeing a friend, I don't have a single friend I feel I can call regularly for chats, and I don't seem able to make new friends easily. It's as much as I can do to keep on top of keeping the house tidy in my free time. Help!

[WhywouldIdothat]

Oh and also, my job is really not using my skills, it was just to get by and fit in with childcare. Grateful it does that. But I feel I have gone from a relatively high-earner to a low-earner and from a people job to a solitary job, which is also disappointing but can't think of any other way of juggling childcare and work, especially where I live which is miles from any town where I might find another kind of job.

[BlackeyedSusan]

so sorry, it is really hard.

[cestlavielife]

could you move?

what would help?

get abck into counselling but maybe more of a "life coach" type person...

ok it's a rural area but i bet there are people there who are of many different educational backgrounds....join the local PTA at school. look for a book club, etc.

dont diss the grannies - older people could still be part of your support network, swapping childcare, helping each other.... even if you not best buddies. rather than looking for a best buddy focus on getting playmates for your dc and over time you will build relationships with the other parents or grandparents. people you will be able to call if you need to...

if you might be pregnant then you clearly have had adult company..... (lucky you !)

[WhywouldIdothat]

cestlavie I don't need any more of that kind of adult company haha!
Good idea about life coaching, I did look into that and it seemed very expensive but I think if I found the right person it might help me get out of this "stuck" feeling. TBH I don't think the grannies really want more friends, I did try to befriend them, sorry to be gloomy. I wish I could join the PTA or something but I don't have any evening babysitters. I have been out of an evening approx 6 times since my eldest was born. And if things are on in the day, I am at work usually. I thought about trying to take an hour out to do charity shop voluntary week in the week as there is a charity shop in the nearest village - but kind of feel if I'm going to volunteer at something I should use more of my skills, not just be on the till as I did this 20 years ago when I was 16. Sorry to be such a moody one!

[Ohbollocksandballs]

No advise as such but I know how you feel (sort of) it's bloody hard and lonely sometimes being a lone parent.

I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job raising your children. And I imagine your DC's love you to pieces.

Re: the pregnancy have you taken a test or is it too soon?

[cestlavielife]

but the grannies could baby sit for you ....

[WhywouldIdothat]

Thanks blakeyedsusan and ohbollocks, DCs do love me, I try really hard to be a good parent, they are well fed, well clothed, generally well-behaved I think and developmentally ok, we have days out, they make friends no problem.

I've taken about 100 pregnancy tests but all negative so far except lines on OPKs but have done some internet reading and apparently that means nothing, I thought you could use them as pregnancy tests but apparently not. AF is due tomorrow - Thursday, based on my normal cycle lengths. I am totally obsessed.

cestlavie the grannies babysitting would be great but I got the impression they had enough of their own to sit for. I have volunteered to teach one of them how to do internet shopping in the library tho so you never know I suppose it might become a friendship, stay positive I guess.

[WhywouldIdothat]

I had two days of really strong cramping a week after ovulation and felt very confident then but as time has gone on not really any more symptoms except tiredness (but then tiredness is part of feeling low anyway) and I would have thought I'd have a positive on a sensitive test by now. I hate the uncertainty and whilst part of me would love another child - I'd feel very excited - another part makes me wonder how realistic I'm being that I could cope with 3 without totally losing my mental health which is fragile already.

[Flowerpower41]

Could you get a job in an academic environment that fits in around childcare as with being so qualified you would possibly suit that type of role.

Other than that try moving to a more urban and sophisticated place as living in a backwater can be pretty pants owing to no cross-section of people.

HTH. Good luck.

[WhywouldIdothat]

Thanks Flower I think that would be good some kind of higher education college maybe or even in tourism. Not sure where to start but can find out, still very preoccupied by maybe being pregnant at the mo.

Does anyone know if a bold positive on an OPK can mean pregnant? Clearblue Digital says not pregnant.

[Flowerpower41]

WhywouldIdothat I would telephone Clearblue and ask them if I were you. Surely there is a helpline or customer care line on the box somewhere??

Good luck!

I do feel working in an academic setting would totally suit you.

Perhaps contact the local university and outline to them your cv and your academic skills and work experience and find out what they suggest, once you know what the heck you are doing ref pregnancy tests of course .....

[WhywouldIdothat]

Thanks flower I will follow up on that. Not pregnant! After faint positive lost all symptoms and then got my period so imagine it was a chemical pregnancy.