XH will only look after DCs at my house

[Goodbetterbest]

We have recently split, XH bought a two bed flat nearby. We have 4 DCs.
XH thinks he can pick and choose a child or two to stay with him as he wishes. If I want to go out, he will come to mine to babysit. This weekend I want to stay out all night. Last time I did this he bolted the door. MY door.
As it is (and always has been) I work my social life around him. Goes without saying the children come first but I feel he has control while this situation remains. I have met someone else who I do want to spend more time with and actually yes, I do want to put myself first on occasion. I have just left a horrible marriage with a horrible man. The other day he came over to 'babysit' (as he calls it), puts the TV on, criticises me, doesn't engage with the kids and I go out. I come back at 10.30 and he is still in a mood and leaves.
We are still in mediation and have no formal agreement with regard to custody and access. I am not sure how to approach it - he holds all the cards financially and although we are nearly at a good agreement, I do feel I need to keep on his good side until this is signed off. I dont know how to approach the access issue. He refused to buy a three bedrooms place so never intended to have all the kids at any one time. I want to create a sense of distance between him and me, and I don't want to be controlled by him anymore. But as it is, I have to ask if he would mind looking after his kids, and then it's only if it's convenient for him and he wants to. Then I have to answer the questions of where I'm going and who with (usually asked infront of DCs) So I have to lie. And I'm rubbish at lying, so I feel hugely guilty EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG.

[Goodbetterbest]

Sorry it's so long and a bit ranty and nonsensical. I'm a bit worked up about the situation. And using the phone app isn't great for starting long, ranty threads!

[Goodbetterbest]

OK yes, that's a good point you make. I hadn't made the distinction.

I have a babysitter, and I don't go out very often (this week was a bit different as was my birthday).

He works away every weekend, and gets back Saturday night so it's not straightforward. Usually I have a babysitter until he gets back at 9/10pm. Sundays the 4 DCs are in three different places with various activities so we both need to be getting them there (although he will always choose to take DC2 to watch his football while I manage the others).

It's a massive problem that he picks and chooses the DCs as it suits him (DC2 is his favourite, because he is the one who gives XH the most attention). I am terribly worried of the impact on the other DCs, how XH doesn't engage or manage his relationships with them, and the effect it will have on the DCs relationships between themselves.

[Starlightbright1]

Can I be honest. You need to figure out how to do the activities without the 2 of you been involved. It may mean some of the children miss out and cant do everything or you may need to change to week night.

I think you need to say children are yours on... date otherwise you never even get a minutes break.

But I do agree with previous poster use a baby sitter for going out.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Agree with the babysitter.

And once you have your divorce and financial agreement set in stone do not let him visit your home to have time with the children.

If he wants to see them he picks them up and takes them out.

I don't agree with the 'favourites' thing either and would be saying to take them all at once or not at all .

Be prepared for him never to see or have them over though.

[Goodbetterbest]

Thank you for your replies.

For years he's always come first, we've always worked around him or I've just got on with it. Mainly on my own anyway.

Now it's beginning to sink in that I will never, ever, be off duty.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You might. He will either surprise you and father up and take them to his when you put your foot down.

Or they'll grow up

Or you'll hire a babysitter and go out a lot more

[Goodbetterbest]

he's just been round to collect tonight's chosen child. face like a slapped arse again, accused me of not bothering with one of the DCs, had a go at me for moving his CDs (because, you know, having moved out and left loads of his shit here I want it all over my house) and left in a mood.

This is how it is. I need to change it.

[minkGrundy]

Do not let him into your house and try not to talk to him.
On he days when he has access, he takes them all or none. Dcs have rights, not him. They all have the same right to see him.

On the odd ocxasion it may be ok for him to have 1 or 2 o them but not as te norm.

But yy to pp who said be prepared for him to just not bother. If he does that, let him, don't bend the rules in a bid to get him to see the dcs, show him you mean business , it is more likely to be effective in the log term. Otherwise he will always use access to control.

[Goodbetterbest]

We have our last mediation session booked in for this Monday.

We are going to schedule another for 6 months time to 'review'.

At first I didn't think this arrangement would be a problem, but him walking in like he still lives here, criticising me and expecting me to work around him all the time is not going to work.

[Jackieharris]

Sounds like a nightmare!

I had a friend who had contact difficulties after a break up. She ended up having to do it trough a contact centre or just have him do pick ups from school/nursery- if he arranged to pick up from her home he would frequently not show up!

He needs to have all or none of the DCs. If he want to do something with just one DC during this time then he needs to find a babysitter!

He is taking your 'babysitting' for granted.

I really don't see how this will be resolved without going to court.

[NameChange30]

Use a babysitter and stop letting XH into your house. Limit contact to arrangements about mediation, him seeing children (should be all at once or 1/2 at a time but taken in turns so no favouritism) and other practical things. You urgently need to put strong boundaries in place and won't be able to move forward without them. You can stop letting him treat you like shit now, you just have to actually stop!

[cestlavielife]

No reason why the dc can't all share for one night a week at his place. Or he sleeps on his sofa. No reason for him to be in your place at all.
Start getting tough. If it means cuttng activities so be it. Or hire a teenager to take one or other to activity.
Hire babysitter for u to go out.

[Goodbetterbest]

Thanks all.

Yes. I need to stop this.

[Goodbetterbest]

We going to mediation tomorrow so I will raise it then.

I went out last night so he stayed I the spare room. He was up when I got back and completely ignored me. It was 9.30 am, but even so, I had done nothing wrong. Hated him being here while I was out. It's ridiculous. We had agreed that two DCs would stay at his, and two go for a sleepover. He changed it, saying he was back too late to take them so he would stay here. Then gets the hump when I don't go home.

It is obviously not going to work. Especially with his attitude towards me.

[CrushedCan]

First of all.....he should be taking his children to his house during his access times not your house! From personal experience it sends mixed signals him round at yours so much especially so soon after the split. Agree with other posters - it's not babysitting when it's your own children - He needs that drilled into his head. Sounds like he's a bit controlling either that or he's not over you.. I hope you get what you want out of mediation op!x

[YourHandInMyHand]

I agree it's confusing for the kids for him to be spending time with them in your space, knock it on the head right now.

My ex tried to use access as a form of control when we split, he still tries it now 5 years later but I do as others have suggested and don't let him control my life.

My advice:

don't rely on him for your social plans (have a back up plan for when he flakes)
limit communication to talk of access and kid's well being nothing more
find a good support network of friends/ relatives/ teenage babysitters/ day time childminder who you can call on for childcare help
point out he needs to make arrangements for kids to spend time at his. This may mean blow up beds, sofa beds, or 2 lots of bunk beds or some pull out trundle beds. Whatever, it's doable IF he wants it to be. No more cherry picking which kids he sees.

[Starlightbright1]

How did mediation go?

[Goodbetterbest]

Hi, thanks for posting. It's really helpful.

Mediation was tough. I got upset at the beginning because of the access issue, which threw him because he wasn't aware I had an issue. This immediately put him on the defensive as he's realising it is going to inconvenience him. It did bring up the whole issue of co-parenting v. Babysitting and there is a lot of ground to cover on it, but we had an agenda for the meeting so didn't really get to cover it.

We still covered the financial side as we planned and that took the whole session - but it's out there now. He was a bit of an arse, saying he put all the money/capital/equity into the home, he's been paying into his pension for 30 years etc etc. of course, being a SAHM for 13 years has no monetary value, so he's turned into a click and bringing out the typical shit. Again, he is looking at things as a unit of 1, and not as a unit of 5 (+ kids).

It took every bit of strength to bite my tongue and not remind him that it was his behaviour that put us there any way. He paid for sex, he chased women, he was sleazy.

He took DC2 last night as he had cricket so he stayed over. I think it's about him feeling lonely and wanting company, rather than being a good parent.

He is staying here on Sunday night as I want to go away for the night. It will be the last time.

From today he won't be babysitting/doing pick ups/activities during the week.

I won't be staying out over night after Sunday.

He won't be having one (the same) child to stay on a regular basis. I'm all for 1:1 time but not so he isn't lonely.

I have started to look for a solicitor and am going to petition for divorce now.

I can't bear to look at him. There has been a definite shift in things and I feel as though I am only just starting out on a very difficult road ahead.

[Starlightbright1]

It is funny it is a process.

I remember when I first saw a sols for my ex he brought up divorce I couldn't comprehend it..

It will settle down in time one way or another...

[Goodbetterbest]

Good news is I have a good solicitor sorted - so today has been a good day!