Struggling

[Prforone]

My BF ended our relationship at the weekend and I am overwhelmingly sad, so much so that I contemplated ending it all on Saturday

My mum passed away a few years ago, shortly after my dad, and she would have been the one I turned to. My sister and I have never been particularly close, and have grown further apart since our parents' deaths. My ExH hasn't spoken to me in a civil manner since he moved in with his GF. He now collects DD in silence (that's when he bothers to see her). My work situation means I have no work colleagues to turn to. Friends-wise, two of my closest friends both moved away over the past couple of years and are now four-hour car journeys away (in opposite directions!). The handful of local friends I have left are all partnered-up (most with kids too) and don't feel close enough to have their shoulders cried on.

I feel utterly alone and am trying desperately not to feel sorry for myself. I get one Saturday night off every two weeks (if I'm lucky) but that's when my friends have plans with their partners and/or families. I'm unable to go out during the week (or whenever I have DD) as money is too tight to have a babysitter on a regular basis (how I'd love to get back to an exercise class!). Sadly, ExH won't entertain looking after DD for even an hour one weekday evening, despite living round the corner.

Saturday night scared me because I really couldn't see a reason for carrying on (DD was with her dad). I'm desperately trying to hold it together for DD but it's exhausting putting on this act when I feel so lonely. When she goes to bed, I just cry and cry.

How do I get myself out of this hole?

[HolgerDanske]

Every time you're in pain say to yourself, 'This is as bad as I will ever feel. I'm hurting but I'm ok.' It helps a lot. You can cope with the pain you're feeling, it's actually fear of more pain that is difficult to cope with. Let the pain wash over you and then do something nice, something peaceful like a warm bath. Read a good book, an old favourite that you know will make you feel calm. Keep a journal and write in it whenever you're having a hard time. First write out your pain and sadness, then make a list of five good or happy things. They can be little things or seemingly silly ones, or bigger more profound things, whatever comes to mind that day.

You will feel better at some point. But for now, don't try to erase the pain. Acknowledging it, feeling it, and coping in the moment will get you through it.

I know it's horrible.

[gillybean2]

Hi Prforne
How are you feeling today? How old is your DD?
Don't be afraid to be sad and upset. You are coming to terms with the ending of your relationship and what you are feeling is a perfectly natural reaction.

It can be very hard when you feel all alone, and your DD isn't even there to distract you. Believe me you are not the only one to have the feelings you currently have.

You need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve from the ending of this relationship. It will take many weeks, not days before you can fully move on and get your life back on track.
A rough guideline that I have found fairly accurate is to allow one week for every month of the relationship. So it isn't a quick process, but time really will help to heal you.

One day you will start to feel better and look back at this tough time and realise just how strong and capable you are.

I too know how it feels to be alone with no-one to turn too. I found it very helpful to come here and get some advice and even just to feel like there is someone to listen to you who understands what it is like.

If you can't afford to get out maybe you can try and find some cheap/free activities. Is there a gingerbread group near you? or other lone parent help group of some kind? If your dd is old enough are there any clubs such as brownies or guides she could join to give you an hour to yourself one evening? If you can't afford to pay for it then speak to the leaders as they do have funds available to help people who are struggling and they may be able to get help towards the subs.

If your dd is younger than perhaps try and get out together to a library story time, or play group.
I found it hard to meet other people, but just getting out was a lifeline at times. Your dd will grow and in time you will get some part of your life back to have time for yourself. You'll look back and be amazed how quickly the time vanished.

Take one day at a time and be the best mum you can be each day. If you weren't able to achieve what you hoped for then remember that you did the best you could manage. Tomorrow is another day and brings you another chance to move on with your life.
Big hugs, these early days are really tough but you will get through them.