how to encourage dad

[Fink]

Any advice on how/whether to talk to ex-h about his parenting?

He is generally a bit crap (although I'm not trying to do him down, he has his good points) rather than outstandingly bad/abusive, for which I can be thankful.

But, for example, he often rearranges/cancels contact days because of his social engagements or because he's busy at work;
he lets dd have far too long on computers, tv etc.;
doesn't do her reading/homework (she's 5 so there's not a lot of homework, but the principle is that she should read every day, which he doesn't enforce);
doesn't really do anything with her, other than cinema visits or long visits to his parents, when he relies on them for childcare;
never calls or makes any contact with dd outside of pre-arranged contact days, even though I have frequently encouraged him to call/skype in between, or even to pop by the house and see her.

You get the picture ...

DD's always talking about him and I make sure always to big him up, what a good daddy he is etc. And I never talk about him negatively in front of her.

I'm just wondering if there's some way I can tactfully approach some of these issues, particularly the unreliability in making contact. Or should I leave well alone and just do the best I can on my side ... ?

[cestlavielife]

pick your battles. messing with arrangements is a thing to focus on. what he does with dd is not a big deal so long as it isnt neglectful or harmful in wider sense.

he often rearranges/cancels contact days because of his social engagements or because he's busy at work;

annoying but cant be helped if its work; but he really should organize his social engagements around pre arranged contact with DD. set a week schedule and stick to it. if he misses and gives short notice, tough.
suggest a weekly schedule and tell him he needs to give 24 hour notice to change/rearrange.

he lets dd have far too long on computers, tv etc.;

that isnt a big deal, dd will survive. unless she staying up til 2.00 am playing war of the worlds or whatever it is called. sat watching disney or cbeebies - not an issue.


doesn't do her reading/homework (she's 5 ;

again, not a big deal, DD will survive on reading in your time. annoying but not a big deal - if school have an issue let school bring it up with him on parents evening. better coming from teacher to him at parents evening.

doesn't really do anything with her, other than cinema visits or long visits to his parents, when he relies on them for childcare;

again not a big deal, his time, he decides. good for dd to see wider family. cinema every week is not a problem!


never calls or makes any contact with dd outside of pre-arranged contact days, even though I have frequently encouraged him to call/skype in between, or even to pop by the house and see her.

again it's not a problem, DD will survive. its the relationship overall that counts. (my ex called his family every day but didnt get on with them when he saw them...constant bickering. mine barely call but when i do see them we get on well. horses for courses.)

[cestlavielife]

and you dont have to big him up make him a hero - just reflect back what dd says "daddy took me to the cinema" "yes that was nice of daddy"

daddy made a peppa pig toy for me " "yes that was nice/clever of daddy " .

"daddy said he loves me" "yes daddy loves you" if she is saying what he says/does, dont big him up. you don't have to add to what she is saying about him or make him something he isnt.

[Fink]

Thanks for the advice. It's nice to get some perspective on which things matter. Any ideas how to make him stick to arrangements? I've taken to not telling dd in advance when she's supposed to be going to him, because it's just so disappointing when he doesn't turn up. But on his part I don't really know how far to go in enforcing it ... I did once drive her round to his intending to give him no choice but to take her as arranged, but when we got there he'd gone for a 3 day mini-break.

And it's not work as in 'work made me stay late', he's a teacher so it's marking and so on. It's mainly if he's feeling down, has a cold etc

[cestlavielife]

it isnt easy and i have same problem.
like you i just end up having to accept its ad hoc.

2212 ararnges her contact now by text, so sometimes it's a case fo him cancelling at last minute but i am hoem anyway...
main prob for me is older ds 18 who is ASD/SLd disabled so routines are a big deal and frankly ex is incapable.

and eh refused recently to attend a family group conference to discuss it. it means tho that if eh suddenly says hey i am free i dont jump - if its convenient fine if something else is planned then tough. waste of time arguing...

you learn to find your ways around t. if you want to arrange for dd to be with someone for you to do something, book professional childcare.

help dd to learn to live with mr unreliable. let her learn who she can trust to keep to things and who she cannot. it s a life lesson.

[cestlavielife]

i meant dd who is 12 arranges her own contact

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

It is a big deal if he cancels contact days and messes your daughter about.
And why the Hell do you need to build him up at all? It's HIS responsibility to make dd think he is a good Dad by, you know, acting like one. And by the sounds of it, he is pretty useless, with little consideration of the feelings or needs of a small child.
I would tell him straight that messing about with pre planned days is just not on. She is 5 now, and ad hoc may be ok for her now but when she gets older, and has plans of her own etc it won't work, will it?
It's absolutely not your job to train this man into being a decent parent, but it is totally appropriate for you to lay down the law where yours and dds time is being taken for granted.

[Starlightbright1]

He is a teacher..So although they do have parents evenings, certain meetings and events he needs to attend Contact should be consistent.

What is contact set at currently.

I would suggest to him the EOW and one night a week... If he missed no catch up..

You also don't need to big him up... There is a wide difference between slagging him off and telling her he is an amazing Dad. When my DS questioned why he didn't see his Dad I didn't say because he is a self centred wanker. I explained I couldn't answer as I couldn't imagine not wanting to see him ( contact had stopped)