Anyone who's dc has no contact with biological father?

[lottieandmias]

Do you bother to send any photos even if they don't respond? My dd is now nearly 6 and her dad hasn't expressed any interest in her, ever. I think it's his loss. He's approaching 30 and is no more a grown up now than he ever was. But I send photos so that I can tell dd that I tried to make him aware of who she is. Am I wasting my time?

[lottieandmias]

Yes I'm doing it for her because then I can tell her I tried. To be honest, if he ever got in contact and said he wanted to meet her I would be horrified because he's not a very nice person at all and I firmly believe he's better out of her life. But I think she's going to want to know about him and his family tbh.

[totallyjaded]

This is one I have struggled with. I don't send anything due to the abuse and complete lack of interest in baby at all. Maybe I should? Its a tough one

[lottieandmias]

It feels as though it's a complete waste of time doesn't it? It certainly is a difficult one. His brother and sil take more of an interest and ask to see pictures. Apparently his parents don't know she exists because they would be very ashamed of their son for not bothering with her and they also don't speak English. So it's an odd situation to say the least.

[Pinkballoon]

Yes! Nothing for her at Christmas or on her birthday. I have stopped sending photos now. Very occasionally writes saying that he wants access - when he is at a difficult stage of current financial proceedings.

[cityskyline]

DD has no contact with her dad, she never has and she's 10 this year. I have never sent any information to him, I think it would be damaging for them to have contact as he's abusive and violent and has been in prison for much of her life. I don't see a dilemma, my priority as a parent is to keep her safe. She has never expressed any wish to know more about him as she has a big extended family on my side.

[lottieandmias]

Cityskyline - I think you are right. Perhaps it's best not to do anything just in case he suddenly decides he wants contact.

[stubbornstains]

If you don't want him to turn up in your lives again, I'd say stop sending stuff. DS's dad had plenty of opportunity to see him (and he lives very (uncomfortably) close to us- in fact he finally agreed to come to mediation regarding contact last year, saw DS 3 times and then disappeared again- and I have come to the conclusion that zero contact and zero communication is the best for us. The only thing worse than a totally absent father is one who crashes into your DCs' lives occasionally, causes chaos, then disappears again.

[laura0007]

My 13month old ds has never met his dad. His dad doesn't want to know. I've sent occasional photos with no reply so I'm not bothering anymore. He refuses to pay maintenance, claiming he's not the dad but refusing a DNA test. My son is worth more than that.

[BertieBotts]

Yes and I don't send photos. DS hasn't seen him since he was 2, he is now 6. He calls my now DH daddy but he knows he had another dad when he was a baby. He doesn't remember him at all. In fact when XP turned up at XMIL's house one time when DS was there, he barely acknowledged him and DS apparently said to XMIL later "Will we see that man again?" not knowing that he was his dad. XMIL was really cut up about that.

XP contacted me about 2 years ago with a single line text "When can I see my son". The absolute balls of it. I told him I needed to tell him some things and did he still have the same email address, he said yes, so I emailed explaining I had met someone else who DS was getting very close to and that we were moving abroad. I said I was happy to set up phone/skype contact and let him know when we were in the UK but he totally dropped it after that and didn't bother to even reply, although I know he received it.

XMIL is on facebook and XSIL is too so they get regular photos that way, although I suppose I don't really post so many now that DS is getting older.

XP paid maintenance for about three months and then stopped. TBH I want DH to adopt DS at this point because XP is so nothing at all in his life, obviously we'd still allow contact if DS/XP wanted it in the future, but just for legal reasons. It's a pain having to explain every time we do anything like registering him for school or travelling.

[stubbornstains]

Have you been in touch with the CSA (now CMS) laura? DS's dad tried this. They told him they would arrange a DNA test if he was unsure of paternity....and if DS turned out to be his he'd have to pay for it. He shut up and coughed up....

[lottieandmias]

Ah, I've had the same situation with denying paternity and refusing a DNA test. But if they refuse the test the CSA can presume parentage.

Yes I agree about the ones who crash in and out. I've seen the effects of that before :(

[lottieandmias]

X posts SS

[stubbornstains]

(should clarify there- he declined the test and started paying maintenance!)

[Starlightbright1]

I used to send photos to my ex when he saw Ds once a fortnight for a few hours... I never got a thank you or any comment so I stopped.

I now do nothing to encourage contact.

I think you need to be vary careful..Esp if you don't think contact shouldn't happen... It is ok to focus on what you do have not what might of been.

Despite now not making any effort now. I know I did try to make it work.

My DS asked the other day if we could visit a relative on Ex's side who also went NC same as Ex... I said no ..I explained we focus on the people who want to be in our life. I think the same applies to you in your situation.

[Molly333]

Important point here I must add - I grew up with a dad like that and developed feelings that my life wasn't whole because I didn't hv a dad in it ,my mum tried and tried and I felt worse and worse secretly , I then grew up married and nearly killed myself trying to hold onto a marriage that was abusive because I couldn't bare to feel rejected again , I'm now divorced and after years of therapy can see I clung onto things because I didn't feel whole , in my opinion my mum was wrong ! She should hv let him go and made our life complete and happy and fun and basically discuss him hardly at all , it's defo his loss but the child must feel that he's a tiny part of who she is , a nothing of a man x

[meglet]

I sent photos and nursery reports for the first year after the break up. I stopped everything when he refused to attend a contact centre. It simply wasn't worth me wasting my time anymore. He has always paid via the csa (full amount and on time) but no contact in 6 yrs now.

The dc's are still fairly young (8 and 6) so it's a few years off knowing how it will pan out. I never badmouth their dad, even though he was an abusive shit, they just know daddy was grumpy and not very helpful at being part of a family.

[traceybaybee]

laura your situation is like mine. Can i ask how you managed it? Its tearing me up. Im due to give birth to our son in 9wks but he isnt interested at all :(

[Starlightbright1]

traceybaybee If you are due to give birth focus on that. Focus on the positive. I really learnt the hard way you can't make someone who isn't interested want to care about their child. Don't waste your time trying to understand it as you never will.

There will be plenty that will be interested and support you both

[Pollyindia]

My ex has never met DS and I have not contacted him since I sent him a message saying I had given birth to a boy. I contemplated sending him pics but thought that might feel like ongoing rejection if I said I tried every year and every year he ignored me. I have no idea if this is right or not. DS is 2.5 and has just asked where his daddy is and I have said he lives far away and wasn't ready to be a dad. I have a book called the big book of families and will use that as a way to start a discussion whenever he is ready. I won't lie or slag off my ex but I will try and be honest as possible.
I'd love to know what the right approach is now!