50/50 Custody. Help with division of the week. DS 4yo

[Sheera1]

Hi,

I am a single mum having been sharing custody of my 4yo son for about a year and a half.

At the moment we have a rota (hate that word) which is roughly 3 days at each house with an occasional 2 days so that the weekend in a month is split that I have D'S the weekend, at Dad's the next with a night each house the other two weekends.

It has worked ok, but D'S has never settled at nursery acting out and attention seeking hitting other children being very distressed going in to nursery etc. He does not act like this at all at either house and is great with other kids he sees, friends, cousins and random children at soft play etc. He is now being referred to the educational psychologist and starts school in August.

D'S can get distressed when leaving me on drop off at dad's and says to me he wants to stay with me more and occasional says things like I don't love daddy. Once he is there he is very happy tho still misses mum. Dad is a great dad. Slightly on the stern side and thinks DS should be punished when he gets upset at going to his house as "he needs to learn that it is not ok to act like that and have a tantrum". Punishment is usually toys/games being taken away. I disagree and encourage cuddles and love.

I have a partner whom ds loves too and is great with him. Dad in the space of 6 months met a 19 yr old, got engaged and now with a baby due in July. D'S loves the new partner too. Dad is 36 but the age difference doesn't seem to be an issue and she is very lovely. They told d's she was pregnant at a week pregnant. She is having a very difficult pregnancy in and out of hospital so environment is pro ably a bit stressful despite them trying to not make it so.

I have told dad what d's says about missing me and staying longer with me, but he says this isn't fair on him and says d's is too young to know what he means and when he asked d's he gave a variety of answers in the space of 30 mins so does not think this is what ds wants. I think d's loves dad and his house but mum is mum at the end of the day and there is separation anxiety leaving me.

I am surmising, but I think there has been a lot of change and uncertainty and our current flexible rota does not work for DS. I think having fixed days would be better especially for starting school with weekends a bit more flexible, but can't seem to make this work where there is a fair aF
llocation of time and not long periods away from either parent.

I would like to hear a insights or ideas for a living pattern 50/50 suitable for a 4 yo or hear of your own similar issues.

Thank you!

[Storm15]

We did week on / week off for a while but what we found out worked better was Dad having every Monday and Tuesday, Mum having every Wednesday and Thursday and then alternating the weekends so it worked out as 2:2:5:5 if you see what I mean! That was for term time. For school holidays we split the 3 big holidays down the middle and took it turns to have half terms.

[HeadDoctor]

We have done Sun, Mon, Tue night with mum and Wed, Thur, Fri night with dad and Saturdays alternating each week. Have done similar since my children were 3.11 and 15 mo. We mostly manage to be flexible to accommodate special events and holidays.

[rambunctious]

we do Sat, Sun, Mon @ Dad's
Wed, Thu, Fri @ Mum's
alternating the Tuesdays.

[BreacaBoudica]

We have my DSSs Thurs Fri and Sat nights, taking them back Sunday morning; then we have one or the other of them on a Monday night so it works out as 7 days out of 14 for each child.

[Sheera1]

Thank you all and happy for as many suggestions as possible.

Did your children cope ok with your structures? Did they like knowing that a Monday was with dad or mum with the occasional changeable days? Any chat of wanting to be with the other parent?

[Sheera1]

Sorry another question.What time did you do a handover on the handover days and if you dropped at school on say the we'd morn and the night was the other parent, did you pick up from school and take them over later or did the other person pick up? Was morning drop difficult if the other parent was picking up after school?

[rambunctious]

my Ds's are ok, I think. We have changed our initial regime, as we thought the boys were struggling with changing alternate days (which was the original plan).
They usually only want the other parent when the one they're with has told them off
handover time for us is usually dinner time and we often eat as a family at that time I cook, so at least I know they're having a nutritious meal!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

We did Monday and Thursday with me and Tuesday and Wednesday with Dad. Then alternating Friday to Monday am weekends. We did this for 18 months from when DD was 8 to 10 she hated it and was a very unhappy girl. She is now Sunday 6pm to Friday 6pm with me and then every other weekend with her Dad.
For some children the 50:50 just doesn't work. It is not about what us fair to the adults, but what suits the children best.

[jovialjulia]

Speaking for my dd, she has always needed little and often. We tried week on week off for a bit and she got really upset saying she just always missed one of us. We now do (and have done for years) mon and weds with dad, and tues and thurs with mum. Weekends alternate (fri- sun)
It's good for work too as it's the same all the time and everyone know where they stand.

Good luck. The baby will be unsettling I'm sure but it'll pass

[Sophieelmer]

For the life of me I will never understand why people do this to young children! It shouldn't be about a fair division of time. A settled home life where your d's knows whether he is coming our going. If that means a little less time with one parent, then that's what it should be.

[GEM33]

I'm with sophieelmer

[jovialjulia]

educated psychologists and the legal system disagree.

Plus you'd then need to decide which parent it was more important for the child to spend the most time with which isn't easy.

[HeadDoctor]

Because it works best for my children? They have a strong bond with both parents who both play a very active part in their lives. They see their parents working together, they have known from very small whether it's a mummy day or daddy day. If it doesn't work for your child then you'd do something else but it's the best option for us.

[Sheera1]

I think d's would benefit from being with me more at the moment with things changing as his needs change, but that is a big decision to have him spend less time with his Dad when I may not be right. He misses Mummy and can get upset a drop off but seems to be fine and happy once there. It would mean a major fallout with my ex as I would have to say "this is what is happening ". Potential legal battle. The educational psychologist is now going to assess d's so if she suggests altering the schedule to a bit more time with me then hopefully dad will agree to a temporary shift to see how this goes.

Thank you for the suggestions on rota's we need to fix at least some of the days so there is a bit more stability. Just need to convince dad!

[STIDW]

There is a lot of concern about the rise in numbers of children and adolescents with mental health problems and attachment disorders over the last twenty years or so. Some children are naturally more secure than others and cope with 50:50 or other substantial proportions of shared parenting. Others don't and at the opposite end of the spectrum a few "truly awful" cases have been found when care of very young children has been shared 50:50 and the children are poorly attached or haven't attached to either parent.

I think its wise waiting until the educational psychologist has done their assessment before thinking about addressing the problem. Then you can discuss the way forward and how to meet the needs of the child from a non fixed position with the father, possibly with the the help of a mediator.

[HeadDoctor]

Are you attributing that rise to shared parenting, STIDW? What research do you have for this please?

[coparenter]

My ex wanted to become primary carer on my wanting to end relationship- he then grudgingly said he would give me 50:50.

We do a 3/4 split but I continue to do school pick-ups and drop offs with the exception of one pick-up at end of week so in reality during school terms not much has changed. I care for the children in exes house until he gets bk from work and then he has them overnight. Luckily we live 5 mins apart.

I know 50/50 is said to be difficult for children but ex wouldn't have agreed to less and court wouldn't give me an order as they said we had come to an arrangement and they don't like to intervene unless absolutely necessary.

Unfortunately my eldest DD does have attachment issues- but she had them before the split and in our case I think things would have got worse if we hadn't split up.

[STIDW]

HeadDoctor wrote;

Are you attributing that rise to shared parenting, STIDW? What research do you have for this please?

There is no consensus yet among shared parenting researchers. See;

divorcescience.org/2014/05/20/counting-the-votes-shared-parenting-guidelines/

Psychiatry and psychology aren't exact science but there is a consensus and WHO's International Classification of Diseases includes attachment disorders. Research is widely available from organisations and periodicals such as the Royal College of Psychiatrists and the British journal of Psychiatry.

In a nutshell a child's genetic predisposition is a factor and poverty is a well known risk-factor which tends to make the impact of all other risk factors even greater. Serious risk factors for very young children include family breakdown, having a parent who was raised in care, having parents who are chronically neglectful, have a drug or alcohol problem, are abusive, violent or criminal. Not so serious risk-factors include parental depression and inconsistent child care.

Three risk factors together increases the risk of children developing social and emotional problems in the future - aggressive and disruptive behaviour, attention deficit, low academic achievement, truancy, drug and alcohol abuse, self harm, eating disorders, poor empathic skills, low self esteem, unhappiness, depression and negative expectation of life. Parental separation can usually be tolerated by securely attached children if they have no other risk factors, but if insecure attachment is added to daycare where there is a frequent change in staff, and then there is family breakdown as well, the three risk factors acting together can cause problems.

Therefore if shared parenting 50:50 or indeed any other arrangement is chaotic for the child it may not work in their best interests. Every child is different and arrangements should be tailored to meet their individual needs.

Of course there are other possible explanations for the behaviour of the child in this case which are more common. Changes to the family structure for example or the father may be unreasonably restrictive, selfish, neglectful, preoccupied or denigrate Mum. The child may have loyalty conflicts and feel disloyal to the mother if he isn't with her. It isn't unusual for children even of intact families to align with one parent and reject the other from time to time only to change their mind later. Separation anxiety isn't uncommon either.

The educational psychologist should be able to shine some light on the root cause of the problem and recommend a way forward. That could be therapy, a change in arrangements or parental mediation. Good parenting often involves persuasion and coercion (eg to change a nappy, not hit the cat, go to nursery, not to run in the road, to sit at the table for meals, to go to bed, see grannie even if she is wrinkly and smelly) although that isn't always appropriate.

[bathshebaeverbusy]

My exh has the children 9 and 12 every other weekend - collects at 9.30 on Saturday and drops back at 6pm on the sunday.
It works well for us and my children have had no obvious issues.

[madamtremain]

I wish I could link to it but I read a long report (psychology report, not newspaper article ) a few years back that said the best indicator of how a child will fair after separation is how the parents cope with it.
If both parents agree with 50/50 - or at least are able to appear to do so for the children's benefit, and everything is easy breezy I think it just as healthy as parents who agree 30/70 or 10/90 etc. it's what is best for the family as a whole.
Sadly, a lot of parents can't manage to reach a mutual decision that they can present to the children as something they are confident is the right thing.

Op - you're doing a great thing for your kids, don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise