2 years on....

[RubyMay82]

I wasn't ever in a proper relationship with my baby's Dad,
I thought long and hard & I am more than capable so I decided I was having my baby & I could manage myself.
He really showed his true colours while I was pregnant so I did not put him on the birth certificate, nothing to do with denying he was her father - I insisted on a DNA test as he kept saying I was a crazy woman lying etc and I wanted the truth in black and white.

For the first nine months of her life he saw her a handful of times, his mum wanted to be involved but was very flaky -
His family even covered up the fact my daughter existed when he got a new girlfriend as it would hurt her feelings.
We have all said and done wrong things but I said the minute she was born the fighting stopped and I have stuck to my side of the bargain.

I never ever stopped him seeing her.
December 2013 his Mum called me Christmas day could they come visit on boxing day - I said yes, he arranged to see her the following day and I am still waiting for a text to say why he didn't show.
He has not seen her since.

At that point I cut all contact with them as I was at the point of seeing a therapist to keep my head straight and was wasting so much time trying to make life easy for him to be in my child's life.
My only regret is I wasted so much effort & time when she was so small!
He said he wasn't ready, he didn't want to see her, denied her etc
(this is the sugar coated version as no one wants bored with details)

So for the last almost two years me and my daughter have had a great life, I work hard to make sure she is provided for & it has been so difficult at times doing it myself but I would not change it.
I haven't been so happy in a long time & don't want / need the upset!

Have lost track of the times I have had to change my number as he starts off nice enough and turns abusive,
Over last few weeks he keeps trying to message me on facebook (which I have now deactivated)
To tell me has split from his girlfriend and wants to be a Dad now.
He has stolen my cover photo (Foolish of me the only public picture I had) and using it as his own which is shocking, he has NEVER said publically he even has a child or had any pictures on there.
Essentially a stranger has a picture of my child on their facebook.
I had a random stranger message me the other day (the final straw) saying how wrong it is anyone stopping a father seeing their child.

I am worried sick,
This boy has never held a job, takes drugs (it is all over his facebook, he has published a picture of my daughter between a video of him taking drugs & gambling stuff)

Yes he was hardly a worthy candidate for Father of the year but I have dealt with all that guilt already and a child was never planned but I dealt with the situation in the way I saw fit.

He seems to pop up when my life is going well and cause upset

I am feeling so anxious,
I would never stop someone seeing their child but I am not handling the fact that nearly two years in he should just be able to rock up because he is at a loose end and start making demands, have a red carpet rolled up & upset my life all over again,

I know for my own state of mind I cannot deal with him or his family

I have an appointment with my solicitor next week I am going to ask them to write to him and request he does not try and contact me and also if he wants to discuss the little one can he do it via them.

I just needed to get it off my chest to be honest and hope I am not alone - The worst mother ever for trying to protect my child from someone unreliable and unstable.

She wouldn't even know who he was and she is old enough now to know if someone dips in and out of her life.

Feel devastated that I have changed my whole life to make it revolve round this little person and I am being painted as the bad person.

My heart has been broken a million times for her already having a Dad who wasn't interested,being the black sheep of their family and now I have dealt with it all, put it in the past BOOM it is all dragged up again sad

[thelittleredhen]

In my own experience, it does depend on whether he has parental responsibility. If he does not, he would need to go through court. Taken from the Gingerbread website:

"When making a decision the court will consider:
Whether the parent, by their actions during and since the application, has shown sufficient commitment to the child to justify giving them parental responsibility
The level of attachment between the parent and the child
The reasons for applying for parental responsibility."

When my DS's dad was telling me that he "wanted access" back when DS was a few months old, the answer to all of these was "No, FUCK ALL and to piss me off" respectively and so I was advised by my solicitor to not worry.

I changed my number, deleted my email address, moved house and essentially hid for 6 years before contacting him last year as I thought that DS now 7 would benefit from knowing both parents.

Luckily, he's not interested and I'm able to move around more freely without the worry that he might appear one day and demand to see DS, but he'd rather just ignore the fact that he has a son.

If he doesn't have PR, he has no rights over your child.

If he does have PR, then unfortunately, you have to be reasonable.

[RubyMay82]

He hasn't got PR as he showed his true colours while I was pregnant thankfully and I looked into it all and decided not to put him on her birth certificate for that reason alone.
He didn't meet her until she was about 3 weeks old.
He has never been interested in her, just me & he must be out of shoulders to cry on, people to sponge off before he is trying to get in with me.
The sad thing is he is so deluded he probably thinks I would be flattered that he has plastered her all over his facebook when in fact I have never been so angry.
This is someone who has not seen her in 15 months, more than half of her entire life!
People say Mum's use their kids as weapons, well what is he doing :/
He has no bond with her,
He didn't even acknowledge her first birthday which was the final nail in his coffin and to be honest he probably doesn't even know what date it is,

My life is good I have no complaints I am just disturbed that someone can come along and stamp their feet & actually think that is okay that they have decided nearly two years on they are ready.

I am not having my little one ditched everytime he gets a new girlfriend who may not approve. She should be number one priority and anyone who doesn't see it like I cannot understand!

[thelittleredhen]

In that case then, I'd speak to a solicitor just to confirm your position and otherwise cut all contact with him and carry on as you are.

She will ask about him when she's older though so be prepared for that.

Life is definitely easier on our own rather than having someone like your ex influencing our children and playing games with us.

[RubyMay82]

I don't have contact with him,
I have gotten so fed up blocking him I have removed my facebook.
I have always said if he insists on access fine do it properly as I can't deal with him so hopefully if a solicitor writes to him along these lines he will leave me alone.
He just has no idea, it is someone's life he thinks it is okay to mess about with.
So much guilt but I just need to hope and pray she grows up to be a decent girl with a mind / brain of her own and can see things clearly for herself as that isn't my decision to make for her

[thelittleredhen]

Perhaps speak to your solicitor about harassment? I think that you only need to contact someone 3 times to be harassing them.

Do come back and let me know how you get on with the solicitor. It's such a stress and one you definitely don't need!!

[RubyMay82]

I'm glad I joined mumsnet
It's good to vent as I'm sure my nearest & dearest sick hearing about it & I can see other people have similar struggles so can hopefully draw from that !

[thelittleredhen]

I like Mumsnet but then I also organise Gingerbread meets to get together with other single parents which has also helped a lot. Mumsnet is great to get advice quickly from people that know what they're talking about and the Gingermeets give me that real life support every weekend which really does save me from insanity! It's a good feeling to know that you're not alone!

[RubyMay82]

Gingerbread is good !
I took part in a Facebook Q&A a while back for them about voting.
It's a good source of info

[Starlightbright1]

I think you are doing the best thing getting legal advise... I find it infuriating that a parent can walk in and out of kids lives.

In my mind you decide to be a parent or not... Not let someone else raise them while you have a girlfriend then pick them up when it suits you.

Your Little girl needed parents when she was born

[RubyMay82]

That's so true & how I wished & wished he wise up before it was too late.
I don't think it's for me to decide but as far as I'm concerned it's too late,
Certainly to try & make any arrangements through me.

[RubyMay82]

Doesn't say much for the type of girl he goes for.
I certainly wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who hid the fact they had a newborn & lied about it for months & I would also encourage someone I was with to see their kid(s) not just pretend they don't exist