1st post pls help - Contact and responsibility for childcare

[Nuza]

Hi,
Hoping that you can come up with some different ideas. My ex is still living with me at the mo but due to move in with his mistress next week. Our ds is 8mths old and I am not happy about him spending 50% of his time in a different house with a different woman and her 2 kids. My solicitor says he hasn't got a hope but would rather not go to solicitors if it can be avoided all my suggestions are not acceptable unless he gets our ds min of 2 nights per week. I don't mind that idea when he is a bit older but right now it seems a bit excessive that he will spend so much time with this other woman.
To add to the injustice of it all - he is saying that I have to pay all the childcare costs even for those days when he is having our ds. Surely I don't have to pay for him to go to work?

[Moomin]

Hi Nuza
I really don't know that answers to your questions so I hope someone wiser than me can help, but I just wanted to offer support. It must be horrible for you at the moment.

I'd have thought your ex should be paying at least half of costs for your ds regardless of how many days per week he doesnt or doesn't stay with your ex?? Don't know for sure but it sounds like your ex is royally pushing his luck given the awful circumstances.

Good luck and hope you can get something sorted.

[Yorkiegirl]

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[tortUREoisechamber]

Agree with YG. Go to a solicitor and get a proper agreement sorted.
Good luck.

[Nuza]

Thanks - guess I knew it was wrong but he is being such a pr*t about it all - and keeps claiming that he has joint parental responsibility - shame he seems to forget that at 4am.

[Moomin]

Why aren't you keen on using a solicitor? It sounds like your ex will play dirty unless you have the backing of someone official behind you. You need to do everything by the book and not let him manipulate you or push you around

[tortUREoisechamber]

He may have parental resposibility if he is on the birth certificate.

[cath28]

hi Nuza
hope you are coping ok. i'd advise to go to your citizens advice bureau as soon as you can and find out your rights. but if you have a solicitor maybe you already know them? on the issue of your ex having overnight access to your ds, at 8 months old he'd be lucky to get any court to agree to that (as i'm sure your solicitor will have told you), do you really want to expose your ds to him and his 'mistress' - i personally would never agree to this with a child so young. i would put your foot down here. agree to access in the daytime but just rule out overnight stays for now. at least till things calm down and the dust settles. about the childcare costs, i pay all my dd's nursery fees, it does seem unfair to me but that is how the system works, i've never quite got to the bottom of it but legally i think somehow he can get away with this! have you sorted out maintenance etc?

[Nuza]

Was hoping that we could manage without going to solicitors as he is saying if I do take it through the legal system he will use all of his contact time to tell ds how "poisonous" and insensitive etc I am - more mind games - something he is very good at

[Yorkiegirl]

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[cath28]

even if he has parental responsibility, that's a very different thing from having joint custody. get your legal rights sorted and then speak to him from a position of knowledge. he won't know what's hit him! good luck.

[Nuza]

Thanks Cath28. He is refusing to discuss maintenance until we agree access - and will drag it out for the full year it takes to go through court. Thankfully my Mum & Dad have said they will help me out financially whilst the dust settles.
As for letting my ds go to the other woman overnight - I am coming to the realisation I can't stop him. Guess it is time to have another conversation with the solicitor.

[sorrell]

If he says that he may end up with no contact at all! He sounds absolutely HORRIBLE! You need a solicitor big time. Don't let him bully you like this. Honestly, I am sorry you are in this situation but you will be so much better off without this crazy, poisonous man.

[cath28]

if he's saying things like that to you, you need legal advice and support, otherwise he's likely to bully you over the coming months and you don't need that. my ex and i went to mediation at a law firm; it was helpful in that at least we could speak without him abusing me or me bursting into tears - maybe worth considering?

[sorrell]

Tape him next time he threatens you and starts saying how he will damage your child emotionally. he's a monster. If you don't want overnight contact straight away, don't do it.

[cath28]

yep sorrell i agree totally!

[Nuza]

Mediation with the law firm - did that mean you both used the same lawyers or was it something separate?

[cath28]

we used a law firm that wasn't going to represent either of us - i had separate legal advice which he didn't really know about as it was just advice and never involved him directly. we went to a neutral law firm together and sat in a room - me, him and the mediator guy. i qualified for legal aid but he had to pay his half of the costs which he wasn't happy about. but i think it was the mediation that kept us out of the courts.
this was when my dd was just 2; she is now almost 4 and me and the ex get on really quite well now, in a kind of business like way, so it can all work out in the end.

[Moomin]

I would advise you to write anything he says/threatens down so you can show it to your solicitor and it may be used against him. Don't agree to any access unless you are forced to by law. He is the one who is leaving the family home to set up with another woman. Try to speak to him calmly and firmly and spell out your position after atking legal advice. It sounds like he's had his own way for far too long. Poor you. Try to stay strong. You'll get plenty of support on MN

[MistressMiggins]

I would say from speaking to my lawyer that you do NOT have to let him have DS overnight if hes moving in with a new woman - your DS doesnt know her at all...

you can definitely say that you're not happy until he has got used to her

definitely go to CAB cos its free advice and get a solicitor - sounds like he doesnt want you getting proper advice

[Fluffybubble]

Th first thing that my solicitor did when my ex left for someone else was to write to ex & state that he wasn't to introduce our ds (who was approx a year old at the time) to his new partner until the relationship was "established". As it was, the new relationship didn't last and when my ex moved on to his next partner (straight away!) he had to leave several months before introducing her gradually to our ds, for short periods of time. I think that anyone would advise that your child's interests are paramount, and that your ex needs to provide a stable environment for him.

Don't be bullied, please get some legal advice! (And do write EVERYTHING down, I found it really helped to be able to quote days and times in relation to specific incidents.)

[Nuza]

Thanks for the advice - have finally reached an agreement which isn't great as ds still meets her but at least there are no o/nights to start with and he sleeps in his own bed. I didn't want ds to meet her - but ex has already taken care of that without telling me! Anyway am on count down now until he goes - 1 week and the wine is already chilling.
I am writing everything down including the threats so that when the bullying starts again I have got the evidence to go forward with.
He is playing nice guy tonight (well for all of the hour he was in) - so suspect we will be in for bad guy tomorrow - its worse than a hollywood movie.

[Moomin]

Can I just ask - why is he sharing house-space with you when he's leaving you for another woman next week? Why haven't you asked him to leave and sort himself out with his own temp accommodation until he moves in with her? Sounds like you're being very reasonable to him with very little in return.

[Nuza]

I have spoken to a solicitor who has told me that as we both jointly own the house I cant make him leave. I am in the process of buying him out so that the 2 of them can go and buy some fancy house that costs more than I could ever dream of. To cap it all we are in a 2 bed and the solicitor who is acting for me on the house pointed out if I moved into the bedroom with my son he would have a bedroom all to himself and no pressure to move. Having to share a room has at least forced the 2 of them to find somewhere to move to. It makes my skin crawl and I can honestly say i don't think I will ever buy a house with someone jointly again if I ever do meet someone else.

[12yeargap]

He probably wanted 2 nights a week staying contact as this would bring his CSA payments down. What an arse.

[Judy1234]

In principle I think both parents should have children half the week to be fair on the child and the parents. That also enables mothers to work and to find someone else which is very hard (as I know because my ex won't have the children virtually never which is very unfair as I also support us all). The difference with you is your son is so young. Mine were still breastfeeding at 8 months.

It sounds like you've reached an agreement over contact for now so is he now going to agree on the other things? I think whoever has the child should pay the childcare. Childcare is a huge expense. We've just had half term. My ex is on school holiday. He didn't have the children once. I worked full time. I paid someone for 10 hours a day. It's completely unfair.