Not sure if I'm cut out for this!

[FushandChups]

I will try to keep this brief as the actual issue is pretty much as the title says.

Stbxh left me two years ago for OW. We have two DC who are now 5 and 3 and he was the SAHP before he left. Following a year of uncertainty & mess, we moved into 50/50 care about a year ago which was working well - well, I thought so although my eldest DC wasn't settling that well and I think the constant toing & froing was confusing her. Stbxh decided not to return the DC after one of his weeks and since then, it has been horrendous.

I took him to court to get my access back and the decision was made to reassess the 50/50 due to my eldest's comments & wellbeing. Things were agreed, then changed, then changed again.. until he decided he would have them 6 hours a month - no argument.

I have had to reduce my hours at work significantly, had to apply for benefits, settle endless legal fees whilst keeping my DC happy, fed, warm and loved...

I am at breaking point now, I think both DC are very challenging at the moment, my 3yo in particular is just hard hard HARD work and my eldest is still confused, clingy & very fragile emotionally. I have no money & no confirmation around external help yet, I'm still doing a full time role on part time hours until they can find a job share for me, my family are overseas and I just can't seem to get happy

I am not enjoying life, I am not enjoying my children or even being that nice to them at times, I worry constantly. ..

I know things will work out - they always do - but just struggling so much right now!

[Fiddlerontheroof]

I'm really sorry...have some

I deal with my ex, (who also left me for OW and then helpfully married her) who fucks about with contact all the time, it's all on his terms, and the latest game is to refuse to have his daughter if her behaviour isn't good enough at his house the week before.

You are cut out for this, it's just horribly horribly hard.

I ended up leaving my job two years ago, and changing my lifestyle in order to give the kids what they desperately needed, which was routine and stability. It grinds you to the core to lose all control, and everything around you, career, job everything, thanks to your partners selfish actions...and if that wasn't enough, he then continues to behave like an utter dickhead, not putting the kids first above and beyond anything else.

I have learnt to not let it make me angry anymore, and when he messes us about, just Move on...and get on with it.

It's taken 4 years to get there. And there's still the odd difficult day, but comfort yourself in what a fantastic job you're doing.

Would you consider joining family overseas? X

[FushandChups]

Thank you Fiddler - you talk a lot of sense!

I just feel out of control at the moment and I worry that I am hurting my DC in the process

My DC also desperately need that stability and consistency you mention which they just haven't had. I am hoping me making these changes, whilst really tough at the moment, will help on that front too...

I do wonder about myself - how could I have got it so wrong and chosen someone so selfish and downright mean as the father of my DC but without him, there'd be no them so suck it up most of the time. Will never understand that the supposed 'lights of his life' can be discarded for weeks at a time...

I don't think a move closer to my family is the answer - going back to the stability thing really! A move locally could be the answer though - fresh start as we're still in the family home - although how I'd finance that, goodness knows!

Well, a good night's sleep will help I hope x

[TiredAndConfused22]

Hi Fush, wow you sound like an amazing mum in the face of considerable challenges. You sound like you are holding it together for those children, but maybe at the expense of your health. you poor thing. I have to say I recognise those feelings of being out of control, and worrying constantly. This is such a personal choice, but for me the first step when I approached breaking point was going to the GP, and getting some anti-depressants made a huge difference to my ability to think clearly, cope, sleep properly. I didn't want to but felt I was not giving the kids what they needed without a bit of help (was snapping at them, and bursting into tears a lot, when they needed someone strong and loving to support them). Could you also consider getting signed off for a week to give you time to regroup, or would that be frowned upon in your work?

Running out of time but some other thoughts:

• keep a note of all interactions with your xh, and try to communicate with him via email, as then you have evidence of his inconsistency in case he ever pops up again demanding residence.
  
• can your kids' schools/nursery offer any advice. When my xh left I spoke to both and they were very supportive with some good advice.
  
• counselling via either your GP or HV?
  
• no shame in claiming benefits. This sort of situation is exactly what they're there for. Is your xh reliable with maintenance?
  
• a move could be good, but as you say you need stability at the moment. Could you and the children make a few small changes at home to make it feel all yours (move furniture around, some new cushions from somewere cheap)?
  

Hugs xx

[Fiddlerontheroof]

That's a good idea, my GP was a massive support, and I'm incredibly grateful to her. It's just getting to a place where you feel like you're getting it all together, and it's a long process. I sought counselling for my eldest...she was 7 when ex OH left...and is now 11... And still very affected.

Changes at home also good, I completely redecorated what was out bedroom to make it mine, and did some changes in the kids rooms too. Be nice to yourselves, make popcorn, have movie watching days where you just all cuddle, bugger the housework.

Finally, yes...do not feel any shame in claiming benefits, you're in this situation through no fault of your own, I've no doubt you've paid your tax and NI and that's exactly what situations like this are for.
X

[FushandChups]

Thank you both so much - I really don't feel amazing at all, the complete opposite!

I did see my GP when stbxh first left and was signed off for about a month but haven't been back in that time. I have also been through CBT to help me cope with him which has helped how I react to him now - fake it till you make it still a major factor here though, still pretty anxious.

My eldest did speak with her school nurse about a year ago to help her as she was struggling (had to fight an epic battle for that one!) and have asked her teacher to keep an eye on her to see whether we need to try that again.. It did really help last time.

I think I just need to get used to the whole situation - and be kinder to my DC. I hate myself for being so cross with them but my goodness, they know how to press the buttons!

Need to dash for school run but i honestly can't thank you enough for just being an ear to vent at! Thank you

[FushandChups]

Got confirmation around my housing claim today and that has taken a massive strain off - things will still be tight but, oh my goodness, having that support makes more difference than I could've imagined!

Also helps both DC have been super the last couple of days and so home has been calm and fun

Not doubting myself as much today and can see that whilst the future might not be bright at the moment, we'll all get there...

And at least I have to have less contact with shitty stbxbh with these new arrangements - silver lining and all that!

[Starlightbright1]

Your children will be fine..It is going to take a while for things to settle down with so many changes..

Can I also reassure you it does get easier as they get older..They can do a little bit more themselves, can hold a more of a conversation...

You will settle into a routine and hopefully your job will get easier