Hi, I've changed name for this as I need to keep it anonymous! Just at my wits end and desperately need outside opinions as I feel like I'm going crazy and like I've been ten rounds in a boxing ring. It is long, sorry...
Ok so couple of years back I met this guy. I already had a kid from a prev marriage but had been single for years. He seemed perfect, it moved too fast n I stupidly let him move in with us after a few months as he lost his house. He was very young, early twenties, I'm a bit older. He got on great with my son. Was so glad my son had a dad at last as his is a dead beat one.
I got pregnant, he got incredibly violent and controlling, he destroyed my whole house. I stayed as I didn't know the first thing about dv and he used to cry and be really sorry afterwards, and blame it all on me, often I found myself apologising. Hed go mad if I ever tried to leave him. I was not blameless in this as I know i wound him up, it was a very mutually abusive tense relationship. I am a gentle person by nature but go crazy if I feel trapped, I'm ashamed to say. His hitting and house destroying really took off when i became pregnant, it was very very scary abd extreme and i didn't know how to get rid of him and thought my child would suffer if I did, also he wouldn't let me go on pain of death. social services found out through my doctor about my injuries and told me it was the kids or him. I chose the kids obviously- one was still in my tummy, the kids are everything to me
It was a huge relief to be away from him but my son said he missed him, as he was a fun dad when he wasn't being aggressive.
He received a jail sentence for the abuse but managed to manipulate me into writing a letter to the court on appeal saying he had changed and wanted to be a good dad and be put on aperpetrators programme. Which I faithfully did.especially as I'd felt it was all my fault to begin with.
So he was. It only made his abuse worse, it just turned emotional instead of physical. All the time he was working on change, the kids had no contact with him as due to my new found education I realised the harm it would cause. He had limited contact eventually, supervised by ss but used this contact to get to me. One time he had our baby he literally spent the session following me round town paranoid I'd moved on, giving no attention to baby.
He relapsed into drinking , I left him for good, he was arrested for harassment and ss ordered no contact at all when they saw his manipulative texts trying to bring me down n get contact through the back door. To this day he blames me for literally everything and is very bitter and angry that I ruined his life. He already had an extensive criminal record before me, people told me, but he says I destroyed him
So we got away finally. We were happy and doing so well without him. Kids taken off the at risk register. Moved on with our life.
Fast forward two years and he got in touch again saying how much he hated me for denying him his kids, ruining his life and being an evil mum for denying the kids their dad. My eldest is by this point at school with extreme behaviour problems due to him mimicking this man.
I foolishly gave in, and replied. It has led to two months of me begging for space, feeling trapped, everything i say twisted.he won't give me any space. Luckily he doesn't know where we live. I stood strong n said if he wanted supervised contact I needed To know he is clean n stable first and because he's lied in the past I said he would need proof of this ie holding down a job for a period of time, respecting me etc . Also said I couldn't hold his hand through it.
After id deflected much more attempted manipulation and abuse he finally agreed to give me space for 4 months. He's basically been on amassive bender since we split. Thought he was just angry cos he was irritable from withdrawal so gave him a chance.i need to stress any contact he ever had would have to be through a contact centre and fully supervised as I do not trust him not do I ever want to be around him but he does have some virtues as a dad.
One week into the 3 months space and he draws me into conversation yet again!!!! He tried to soften me by telling me he loved me etc but I don t fall for it...i take a look at his twitter, turns out he has a serious gambling problem, and a quick google says he has spent every moment since we were in touch stalking women' through social media, which would be fine if he'd been looking for work too but he can't be arsed I don't think as he seems to feel it is unfair I said he needed to work when I don't. asked him to buy his daughter an item as I'm broke, he said he had no money. For all his words I think he really is lazy and wants to access the kids through tugging ny heartstrings. I'm ashamed to say ilost it, told him what I think I had bad pmt n I just went mad , then again I didn't want contact in the first place. It calmed down n I calmly told him he is having abad effect on me, and I just don't think we can ever have contact.
Now getting the usual texts about how I am evil, the devil, the abuse was all my fault - he's got a new one, that he went to prison out of love and commitment to his family when he could have just pled not guilty as I have a history of depression!or absconded. He says he is a brilliant dad. I was so annoyed as I work hard to bring up the kids alone n he is overlooking that.
I can't be in touch with this guy he's impossible. He twists everything. He lays on huuuuge guilt trips when I tell him to leave me alone and go through court though.am at my wits end. Contact with him leaves me to weak n tired to be a good mum, I told him this abd he said I am a disrespectful little shit n need to stop being so selfish. I feel bad though for getting angry at him yesterday:-(
Can't cope I'm like azombie this morning from it all and I just want him to go away but as he says he is the kids father and the has threatened suicide a thousand times if I lose contact with him. But I have tried so many times and it always ends in me being drained n a worse mum.
What would you do??? Is there a way I can have no contact with him ever if we have a child together? He is always talking about his rights but I'm more concerned for the kids safety and my mental wellbeing but as he says, he is a father. At my wits end sorry this is so incoherent. I would appreciate even short replies saying what you would personally do. Many many thanks for trawling through my Long epic ramblings!!
Basically will try to but
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i feel so guilty denying kids a father but he's not very nice?
23 replies
cauliflowerfairy · 05/12/2014 09:59
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