Anyone else regularly think about running away?

[Sj85]

I'm a single parent to 2 beautiful boys, I work 2 jobs so I can pick my youngest up from school. He has residual emotional and attachment issues from the abusive relationship I had with his father - 2 1/2 years down the road still trying to help heal the children with theraplay and trauma centers.
Up untill August my ex was turning up regularly drunk at my house and phoning the house at silly hours in the morning trying to tell me hie wanted to talk about access to my son (he currently has none), when I did engage with him he only ever talked about me, my life and lack there of. When I blocked him from calling he just started to turn up.
In mid august he turned up out the blue blasted. He kicked off so much that in the end I let him in only to stop him being arrested. The children were not there. He sexually assaulted me. I spent over an hour battling him, telling him about my new relationship (he said he didn't care), he even told me he still loved me, and crying before he finally stopped trying to pull my trousers down, rubbing my crotch and breasts and trying to kiss me. Mostly he just told me I was gonna have sex with him whether I wanted to or not. He fell asleep eventually with his arms wrapped around me so tightly I couldn't move and I just lay there in utter shock.
In the morning he proudly told me he was dealing drugs and kept telling me I looked shit.
I told his family that I wouldn't reinstate contact with his son and him till I have maintenance payments from him. I have never received one. But I want to tell them and everyone what he is. I won't, I really want to though.

I hate him but I myself more for letting him in. 2 years out of an abusive relationship and his nasty words still hurt me. He still terrifies me and I still feel trapped. I fantasize about leaving or suicide, I've written notes and planned hotels for my last night. It's always suicide by the sea. But every time I get to the day I plan to leave I stay and the cycle continues.

The thing is it's not just that although that is a huge part of it. It's the meetings I have to attend to track my sons progress and ensure we have the right strategies in place as he has an inability to cope with any form of stress and change. It's contacting my eldests new school to let them know a bit of our history so that he gets the correct support and people understand and it's being referred to bullshit therapy that doesn't help.

I just wish that it would all stop sometimes. It all just feels so relentless and inescapable and I feel so trapped and devoid of options. Am I alone in this?

[cestlavielife]

You need to report the assault.
You need to let him get arrested.
Why are yourotecting him?,

[Sj85]

Not really about protecting him.

When I reported him for assault I found the whole experience, from giving my initial statement to telling friends and family what was going on so harrowing I just don't want to go through it all again.

I guess to some extent I feel responsible for it too. Like my mum said you let him in what did you expect?

[foolonthehill]

You are not responsible for his behaviour. You never were and you never will be.

Making a mistake (letting him in) was not volunteering to be assaulted.

Being overwhelmed and feeling unable to cope is normal when you are being put under such stress and pressure....but there are ways to help you cope.

Contact (or not) is unrelated to maintenance payments. Contact is for the benefit of the children. Sounds like you have welfare concerns that fully justify your child not seeing his father.

I am glad your son has some support. It sounds like you could do with some too....are you in contact with women's aid? Here we also have a victim support charity ....they are great and won't pressure you at all.

keep posting.

I have to go out but will be back and many others will walk this road with you if you want.


PS YES I have felt like ending it all........

[cestlavielife]

any reasonable person would not expect to be assaulted...I do get it but contact victim support and womens aid and get some support for you.

[Sj85]

The contact isn't linked to maintenance it's just the easiest reason to give to his side of the family, as you rightly said I have welfare issues.

I have been in touch with a domestic violence unit which supports women and families where I live but I am not in immediate danger and bar the assault in August it's only been phone calls, albeit in the middle of the night. As i don't want to press charges I can't get a restraining order so the best they could do was lend a supportive ear but when I was supposed to meet her she had to cancel to help support another woman at her court case and I haven't heard from her since then.

It's so difficult to access the correct support. I've had CBT which is 2 sessions before you have to re-book and then wait a month for the next 2 so there is very little consistency.

Thanks for your comments. Just feels good to get if off my chest. I often feel quite isolated. It's nice to know, even if it is for a brief time, someone knows and someone cares :).