Husband introducing children to girlfriend

(56 Posts)

I caught my husband in my bed with another woman on New Year's Eve. He left and told me he loves her. He has told me that he is introducing the children to her tomorrow whether I like it or not, which I don't. What can I do?! I don't want my kids to meet her! I don't want her to have anything to do with them.

mathanxiety Sat 03-May-14 05:06:12

I got exH to agree that time with the children was to be time with the children, not time playing happy families with the GF. This was in the wake of a trip to the zoo, ostensibly a daddy and DD4 day out, when all DD4 could tell me when she came home was that 'daddy's friend' had bumped into them and they all walked around together.

Malificentmaud Sat 03-May-14 05:50:51

Shame the information we have about how the main reason children suffer after divorce is conflict and the mother's inability to let go is ignored, in favour of pinning it on dad having a friend come along to a trip to the zoo hmm

JessicaMary Sat 03-May-14 06:36:53

As I said if she wanted just refuse the contact and make him go to court BUT I don't advise that as it's better for children to see both partners. No reason he cannot keep his lover away for a bit though as plenty do and is negotiated (Simon Cowell situation etc)

I am in the opposite camp - I would like fathers forced into doing half the childcare and children's washing etc etc post divorce as I work full time. I never understand why mothers don't leap at the chance for some time without the children as I have mine 365 nights a year, lovely though they are.

Daisypops Sat 03-May-14 06:52:17

What do you advise if contact cant be every other weekend as exp works shifts? He lives in a different town 10 miles away so I think mid week stays will be ruled out by him.

My youngest dc is 2 1/2 and I was advised that I do not have to agree to overnight stays as she hardly knows exp (not much contact over 18 months) and he lives 10 miles away. I was advised to tell him this and it is then up to him to get advice if he disputes it. Obviously when he has built his relationship up it can be reconsidered but the thought of that makes me feel sick.

Today they are going to his gfs house all day. Ive bn up since 6am worrying. I know they'll be excited so I need to try and put my emotions aside and be brave.

I never thought id be in this position. Its not what I wanted for me or dc.

I know exactly what you mean daisypops. This isn't what I wanted for my children either.
He is sort of living with his parents so has to share a bed with my DD which I hate, he's looking at moving in somewhere but I can't see him getting a flat bigger than a 1 bed so the kids won't have their own room then either.
I asked him to wait longer than 4 months, I don't think a relationship built from an affair is considered stable after 4 months. I asked him to introduce her to his parents first but he's having none of it. He said he's fed up of living two separate lives sad

He has picked them up, told me he is taking them to meet her sad everybody please tell me how it's going to be okay and they won't love her like they love me and they won't want to go and live with them. I hate this, I still love my husband and don't want this at all.

I can promise you that you will always be mum. You will always be more important in your child's life than her.

It is bloody hard believe me I know. My ex didn't have an affair but sold our house and moved away to live with a woman a month after I moved out. It was hard to hand the dc over but please please don't say things like you don't like her to your dc. They will grow up remembering these things and they will also remember and be prouder of you for keeping a dignified silence.

I am 6 years down the line now and the dc have a fabulous relationship with their step mum. Her and I had a rocky road but get on well now. Can't say we are friends but can spend time in each others company and she sometimes asks to see the dc at times ex is working if it's been a while as she has a 2 year old with him and she wants the children to all have a relationship.

I know it hurts and right now it's hard to believe but jt does get easier and you will always be mummy and nobody can take that away from you.

Malificentmaud Sat 03-May-14 16:15:39

I promise you sincerely that they will think absolutely nothing of her until she has "proved" herself. By that time you will feel happy that she is a nice person and that they feel safe with her. But for now all she'll be is a (hopefully) fun and entertaining adult who hangs around with daddy.

mathanxiety Sat 03-May-14 17:31:14

Malificent, in answer to your comment about the zoo trip, it might have been more honest of exH to tell me ahead of time that his friend would be at the zoo? What he did was underhand. And if the boot had been on the other foot, there would have been hell to pay.

mathanxiety Sat 03-May-14 17:46:30

OMG of course they won't love her like they love you. They will see her as some woman who has somehow got to know daddy, hopefully entertaining, and will shrug the whole thing off. Your children are young enough to mean you are the centre of the universe. Nobody can dislodge you from that place.

In the bigger scheme of things, they will feel less affection for her than they will for someone you might engage as an evening babysitter occasionally. With a bit of luck, she will make an effort for them and be attentive, and they will have a nice time.

Since your exH is not emotionally engaged with them, it is going to dawn on her at some point that she is expected to fill in the gap left by him, and this may or may not sit well. She is very young, and may end up feeling a bit used.

(And before you know it, she will be history smile. Because once a cheater, always a cheater, and nothing that got so intense so soon, and that involved crossing the boundaries that were crossed in his case has a chance of lasting. People who behave like that do not end up in stable relationships.)

Thank you so much smile I really hope you are all right! I love my kids, it hurts that I've been replaced in my husbands eyes and he's trying to replace me in my kids eyes with her too.

And wrt telling my DD that I didn't like OW, I didn't even think that she would feel disloyal by liking her. I meant no harm when I told her, I thought she might understand that mummy doesn't like this woman because she has done something horrible to me. I reassured her that it was okay if she liked her. I really didn't think it would be a problem.

Malificentmaud Sat 03-May-14 21:56:36

Of course you wouldn't have said it if you knew the repercussions. But try not to do again would be my advice. Your dd may struggle to feel okay about liking someone who mummy says did something horrible to her.

mathanxiety Mon 05-May-14 06:21:40

I hope you are able to relax a little now after your traumatic weekend. This whole business is shitty and horrible and heartbreaking.

xxxxx

TinkyWinkyDipsyLalaPo Mon 05-May-14 19:03:11

If you think for a second she will replace you that's ridiculous, its the same as a babysitter or nanny type figure, who is also female, also a caregiver, but never mum.

If you feel jealous of OW, have a look on the stepparents board too. The majority of stepmums (from that board) don't seem to enjoy having the children in the slightest.

cestlavielife Tue 06-May-14 12:22:13

this woman has not done anything to you - your h decided to go have an affair. she doesn't know you. she may or may not have been fully aware your h was married etc. both are to blame.

however what is done is done .
don't confuse dd by telling her outright you dislike this woman - remain neutral.

you are dd mum you cant be replaced. however, kids can cope with other loving adults in their lives. or just other adults whether teachers, babysitters etc.

do go talk to someone, attend a divorced and separated workshop, do something to address your own emotions and learn how to handle them - you have every right to be cross/angry etc - but these are your emotions not dd's.... think of it from dd perspective. she loves her daddy - this is dad's friend - she doesn't get nuances of marriage vows etc... ...very confusing for her.

She knew full well my husband was married when she did what she did. She also knew what she was doing when she came into MY home where I live with MY children and slept in MY bed. She came into my place and in my opinion, violated it. I still can't walk home without the feelings of walking home and finding her in my bed. I couldn't sleep in my own bed, I couldn't even go into my bedroom. She was actively pursuing my husband, which he told me before he decided he was in love with her. In my eyes, she has done something it me. She should have left well alone when she found out he was married. I think it's up to me to decide whether she did something to me.

Anyway, that wasn't the issue at hand here. I did not want her introduced to my children for her to play happy families with them but it's done now. FWIW, my DD hasn't mentioned her once so it's clear she didn't leave much of an impression.

She knew full well my husband was married when she did what she did. She came into MY home where I live with MY children and slept in MY bed with MY husband. She came into my place, my sanctuary and, in my opinion, violated it. I still walk home and get the same feelings I did when I walked home and I caught her in my bed. She actively pursued my husband, a fact he told me himself before he decided he was in love with her. I think it's up to me to decide whether she did something to me.

Anyway, that wasn't the issue here. I said I didn't want him to introduce her to my children but he disrespected my wishes by doing it anyway. FWIW, my DD hasn't mentioned her so she can't have made much of an impression.

Grrrrrrr, why did it tell me it didn't post when it quite clearly did!!

Pinkballoon Tue 06-May-14 22:38:51

I agree with Mathanxiety - once a cheater etc… Probably won't last long.

And I'm sorry about what she did. Its unforgivable.

mathanxiety Tue 06-May-14 23:50:22

I think what she did was a horrible case of stabbing another woman in the back and I would have the same reaction. The pair of them behaved as if you didn't exist and that is very traumatising.

I hope you're right. I don't want to be a jealous petty bitch but I really don't want it to last between them. I don't care if he gets another girlfriend, I just don't want it to last with her.

nomoretether Wed 07-May-14 07:38:09

In my case, it lasted. It's been over six years now. I don't care anymore. Everyone told me it wouldn't last and in a way that made it harder because I was waiting for it to break and I slowly realised it wouldn't.

I don't care anymore because I realised how horrible my ex had been to me. She's welcome to him. She is also a fairly good SM to my children. She parents differently to me but I guess we complement eachother.

You will get over this, it will stop hurting. It will take time and you may well need help - my counsellor has been fantastic restoring my self esteem and gently pointing me in the right direction when my bitterness threatened to take over.

It's a horrible, horrible time and it will pass.

cestlavielife Wed 07-May-14 12:53:54

I agree that really sucks. both parties at fault tho. you entitled to be v angry with both... while finding a way to move on.

but - it's adult stuff and it's important to try and keep DD free of having to deal with it except at level of she has to understand that daddy now isn't with mummy. and daddy has a new "friend" . try to see it from dd point of view. don't let them and their actions ruin her childhood....let her have happy childhood memories despite what those two adults did to you.

counselling or a divorced and separated group workshop can really help.

alita7 Wed 07-May-14 13:57:50

Please don't assume she's had no experience with children, I'm 20 and pregnant.

i have 3 dsds, one of which lives with us and who I am a mother figure for as I do all the mum things for her and dp is very stereotypically male/ dad like.

Before I became part of their lives, I didn't have any neices and nephews because my brother is 14... but I had volunteered at men cap with the children's services between the ages of 15 and 18, one evening a week and on daytrips during the holidays, working with kids with learning disabilities. I did work experience in nurseries twice in school. I volunteered at a sure start mum and baby group for a year. This was all partly to get work experience to be a nurse/midwife and am now doing a nursing degree smile I also had/have very young cousins and friends with babies and young children who I have spent time with.
What I mean is don't assume she's got no experience with children, she might have lots that you don't know about. (and I had a questionable sex life until recently, so the two aren't necessarily linked)

Aside from that she will be young and have lots of energy to play with your dd.

I understand you will have the feelings you do against her, I've been left for someone else (albeit I was only 17 but had been with him for 2 1/2 years so it felt awful at the time) and there's no way I'd of wanted her near my child. But if they do become long term then it will have to happen at some point. Sometimes as much as you don't want it to be true you can leave a wrong relationship for the right one, I left my ex for my current dp and now we live together and I'm pregnant and intending to get married. Unfortunately you have to bite your tongue around your child and go sob in a pillow or cry to a friend! its horrible but so is life.

Just remember he's the one who did this to you not her, unless you were friends, she had no reason to be loyal to you, he was the arse hole who should have split up with you first, who knows she may have even tried to get him to! I'd rather my kids were around her than around him!

WeebleOfWombledon Wed 07-May-14 14:17:03

Alita, I agree with most of what you say with regards to not assuming someone has any experience with children. Just because you may not be a mum doesn't mean you don't have any experience. smile

Bit while, it was he who did it to the OP by having an affair and ruining a family life. His girlfriend can't have any morals herself if she had affair with him fully knowing he had a wife/partner and children.

No matter how much I may like someone, I could never sleep/get involved with a man when he was already with someone and has a family.

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