Husband introducing children to girlfriend

(56 Posts)

I caught my husband in my bed with another woman on New Year's Eve. He left and told me he loves her. He has told me that he is introducing the children to her tomorrow whether I like it or not, which I don't. What can I do?! I don't want my kids to meet her! I don't want her to have anything to do with them.

cestlavielife Fri 02-May-14 16:26:46

not a lot..unless you know for sure she is a danger to kids generally eg convicted criminal....
what he does in his time with dc is for him to arrange.
just as he cant stop you introducing dc to your friends.

if she turns out to be long term then she will be part of their lives.

I know sad I already know that but I hate it!

Joules68 Fri 02-May-14 18:02:04

Well she could be a good support/friend to them? Look at the positives. You can't change it and tbh, they've waited for quite a while to do this

Malificentmaud Fri 02-May-14 19:29:12

Your husband sounds like an arse... Given that they will be spending probably up to 50% of their time with him id prefer a third party to be involved to be honest. And I have been there.

Your children will see this new person as nothing as decoration. A bit like the way they may see one of your friends or one of their best friend's mums. The only time they will mean anything to your children is if they prove themselves to be a positive addition to their lives.. At which time you will probably take comfort that they are such. But that will take a while.

Saying that, children are naturally trusting and loving so let them be that towards this new person and don't judge them or pull them on it. Just see what happens thanks

TortillasAndChocolate Fri 02-May-14 20:04:53

I really feel for you - it's such a horrible horrible feeling. Why on earth should this woman who clearly didn't have your children's best interests at heart when she was having an affair with your dad, get to spend time with them? When I was in your position (well I still am really), it just felt like they were both being rewarded for their bad behaviour and playing happy families with my DS.

I know how you feel and it's just horrible and heartbreaking. It does get easier though - I promise. And she will be insignificant to them. Just keep busy, make some plans and spend time with friends. Do what you need to do to get through it.

That's what I find hard. Practically he was a good dad but emotionally just not there for them. I'm terrified that one of them will fall over and go to her for cuddles, it breaks my heart. Thank you for being so understanding. She wasn't thinking about me or my children when she easily hopped into our home and into my bed with my husband, why is she allowed to concern herself with them now?! She's only 20 and no nieces or nephews, I don't think she has any idea what it's like to have children. Like you said, I think she just wants to play happy families. Actually, I know for definite she does because when me and my husband were together she told him that they would take my kids to a soft play area whilst I was at work! sad

nomoretether Fri 02-May-14 20:21:11

Maud, a third party involved? Who? And why?

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 02-May-14 20:29:58

I would disagree with Maud I think children believe that any new partner their parent introduces them too is a 'keeper' and research would back this up. Family mediation services provide children's information sheets that advise holding off introducing children to new partners too soon
My ExH introduced his new GF after 5 days, two years later they have now split. This has lead to lots of distress for my 10 year old Daddy said he loved Mummy then he left, Daddy said he loved GF and then they split. Daddy says he loves me maybe he will leave me.
Of course you can't stop him, but it maybe worth discussing these potential problems.

Malificentmaud Fri 02-May-14 20:41:22

If the guy is an arse... The new partner may be a welcome addition. Purely anecdotal but I'd be 500 times more concerned about the time dd spends with her dad than I am with her sm there.

I'd love a link to that research?

nomoretether Fri 02-May-14 20:44:33

It's been four months. Not that I want to defend this cheating ratbag, but 4 months is fair, IMO. My ex introduced his girlfriend within days, she was pregnant within weeks. They're still together several years later. We dont have nearly enough information to make a judgment here but OP has said he's a good day. The gf will get the shock of her life but that's not OP's concern.

I remember feeling the way the OP did - it was utterly hideous - and they were my feelings to deal with. The advice to keep busy is a good one, and have a good cry. Trying to exert control over the ex and gf is pointless and will likely lead to more conflict.

Malificentmaud Fri 02-May-14 20:45:00

Lonecat.. To clarify.. After two years I would expect your child to suffer the loss also. But after two years there's not really a way to avoid it. Presumably he thought she was for keeps and then she wasn't.

But these fly by night relationships don't affect kids. They barely register. My dd couldn't name the 8 or 9 "GFs" daddy had before he met his now wife.

Ratbagcatbag Fri 02-May-14 20:46:43

I know everything raw right now dozy, but I was 20 when I go with dh, he has a ds, I know his mum hated the idea of me meeting him and everything you said about him going to her. That said 11 years later my dss is fab, I've helped a bit of that and dss mum is a very good friend of mine. It wasn't a walk in the park, but we all made it work and are happier for it.

He is adamant that it's going to last forever so telling him that I would be concerned about daddy leaving everyone won't be received well.

I have told my daughter that I do not like daddy's new friend (she's 3, DS is only 18mo so doesn't know any better) but told her that it's okay if she likes her (even though I don't want her to!!!). That's the best I can do, I'm not pretending to her that I like her.

I know it's petty but I truly hope that it all blows up in his face and she dumps him and he ends up with nothing and I can just turn around and be so much better off because he left. I'm such a stupid cow sad I couldn't keep hold of my husband and now I'm being jealous and stupid about it. I told him that he can't see the kids this weekend if he was going to introduce her but I really didn't mean it. I would never keep my children from their dad, I just want to hurt him.

nomoretether Fri 02-May-14 21:11:14

I have told my daughter that I do not like daddy's new friend
Please don't do this. You're putting your adult issues onto a three year old girl. That isn't fair. It isn't fair to make her feel guilty for getting to know this woman or eventually liking her.

Your feelings are normal and will ease with time (counselling has helped me massively) but you really shouldn't involve your children like this.

wannabestressfree Fri 02-May-14 21:23:23

My ex husband introduced my children to his girlfriend when I was in st Thomas's hospital having major surgery even though I had specifically asked him not to. I was in there three weeks and he bothered to bring them once and it broke my heart. I felt so helpless and cried for hours in my ward. I was heartbroken at his complete disregard for me.
Even now when he asks me for extra things and for me to be reasonable I remember this event.
She is a good step mum though and they are still together. He works away though and although they live fairly locally she doesn't ask to see them when he isn't here.

I guess what I am saying is you don't have a choice and it will be hard but you will get through it. You have my sympathy though.....

wannabestressfree Fri 02-May-14 21:26:33

And when my children ask my thoughts on here I am just non- committal. Please don't say you don't like her. She may need to talk to you and be reluctant if you already have a strong view. Children are very cut and dry.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 02-May-14 21:54:16

This article here summarises the research on introducing new partners to children. If you search this topic you will numerously articles written quoting various research all in agreement on this topic.

Daisypops Fri 02-May-14 22:14:43

Hi everything's dozy. My dc are seeing their dad tomorrow and hes taking them to the his gfs house where he now lives for the first time for the full day.. I completely understand how you feel (though my exp didn't have an affair with his now gf)

I keep telling myself "its for the dc" and I have a huge list of jobs that I am going to completely submerge myself in! Its so hard. . I am emotionally exhausted but my dc are happy to go so I am too. But I will be counting the minutes down and dreading his arrangements for next time

x

JessicaMary Fri 02-May-14 22:21:56

If you really wanted to be nasty just refuse all contact. It might take him 6 months to take you to court and even then the courts hardly ever seem to enforce contact orders. I am not saying to do that.

Also it is common to agree this kind of thing - no contact with new partner. Simon Cowell had a baby with a married lover recently. His lover is not allowed to introduced SC for a year to the father of her baby so when the mother wants to see her son from her marriage she has to make sure SC is not there. That is not unusual.

GEM33 Fri 02-May-14 22:31:39

Aghhhh, I feel you op. I want the best for my kid right. I don't know who my ex s girlfriend is or what she s like and my ex has told me so many lies I no longer trust him or believe a word he says and I had to babysit his kid for 7 years over our relationship so I know what a useless dad he is and it will be his woman that does everything for his kids so when he says after four months (he left 1st jan) I'm having our dd with me at my girlfriends house I want to grab my daughter and run to the hills and scream "f$$k off will u take my baby anywhere near that bleep bleep bleep"
People say keep busy and it's only fair on dad and kids to spend time together but what I think is living out of a suitcase spreading times between two places having to get used to someone else's home feels like punishment to my baby who never deserved this. She should be in one home with stability and security and where I know she is safe.

In reality I realise I have no choice but to accept this and it makes me want to physically puke. I feel that strongly about it. I'd just be taken to court and overruled as they would say dad has overnight visits and every other weekend contact. I'd just be delaying the inevitable. I've pleaded with my ex to delay overnights until our two year old is bit older as she still gets in bed with me/ him. I think it's inappropriate for her to do that if he s in bed with new g/f and luckily he agrees. For how long I can put this off I don't know. It just sucks. Come to my house when it happens op and we ll throw plates at the wall together xxxx

Malificentmaud Fri 02-May-14 22:43:23

Jessica I'm sorry but what you read in "Now" is not what is commonly happening out there. For heavens sake.

Telling your child you don't like their parent's new partner is awful. Even if you are upset. What do you hope to achieve through doing that? They will feel guilt and disloyalty when they have fun with that person.

I also don't think that link is necessarily a summary of widely accepted psychological fact. There are many blogs/ articles of this nature but as far as I know (and I may be completely wrong!) there is no research to suggest that that chap's opinion is true.

In my own, very limited, experience children cope best in these situations where both parents are cool and calm about everything. Temporary GFs are very very unlikely to harm a well balanced child whose parents don't confuse everything with statements about not liking someone who they've never met or know and who daddy seems very fond of.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, I just wish I'd been able to save myself the worry of all the women coming in and out of dd's life and "abandoning" her. She simply just Did. Not. Care.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 02-May-14 22:51:00

This literature review is a more comprehensive summary of the research and has a full list of all the papers that were review. Plenty of good quality peer reviewed evidence out there.

Malificentmaud Sat 03-May-14 04:41:32

I've just read the entire article and it is very interesting. However it confirms exactly what I have said. We know that children suffer when there are multiple changes in care givers. But we're talking about these kids meeting Daddy's girlfriend of a few months. The children will only suffer if this person becomes an important care giver and then leaves ie the child experiences multiple divorces and separations. So really, we should NEVER introduce a new partner and in fact introducing a partner who will be a care giver long term, is actually worse than a new relationship as the child won't immediately attach to someone just because they have the title of daddy's girlfriend.

What it does seem to suggest is that it is the conflict following the divorce and the mothers inability to move on or retain mental well being post divorce that is most likely to have a negative impact. Plus economic impacts.

It's not a very pleasant read really as we don't like to think our children are affected by our divorce sad but it is a comfort I suppose to know that by minimising conflict and keeping ourselves strong we can minimise the impact. I think we are so worried about the affect of the divorce it's easy to pin the children's issues on a stream of short term introductions to these women but in reality it is not the problem.

mathanxiety Sat 03-May-14 05:02:11

If you don't have any court order setting out visitation times or the visitation rights of the exH then you don't have to do visitation. You don't have to hand the children over to the exH. You can hold out on this and insist on mediation to settle it.

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