any advice ...husband cut off contact with ds and me

(25 Posts)
Mandysname Wed 30-Apr-14 04:34:21

Hello all.

Life has been a bit bumpy in our house recently, Mostly due to outside influences and interference from his immediate family, but end result is my husband is just blanking me and our ds age 3. We have moved out the family home and dont have a key to old house, although most our belongings are still there.

I live away from my family (had lived with his inlaws before now), and well apart from the shock and fear, im having hard time with feeling guilty that I cant get ds' s daddy to contact ds. Hes never taken full responsibility for ds care, and used his career as an excuse but this silence is the worst and im heartbroken, for me and ds. Ds keeps saying hes missing his daddy (although calls him by his name n not daddy anymore??), but his dad just seems incapable of making contact, or when he promises to he never arrives. He doesn't have any substance issues, although he has had mental health problems in the past. I just dont understand why he is doing this to ds its so cruel.

All I seem to hear is that its not unusual for men to cut off their kids, but I dont believe that can be true?? And if it is then how could I have been fooled for last 6years by someone who pretended to love us both??

What do I tell my ds? Upto now its just been that daddy is sorting out some problems at home and working hard but will be with us again soon (which was what I thought...what he said). Now its clear he has cut us off I need to know what to say to support ds.

I also work and im having really bad nightmares...hence postimg at 4 in morning when got train to catch at 8am to work.

Any advice from those who have been through this? Especially interested in knowing how to support 3year old (going on 5!) Through it all. Hes a happy well attached little boy whose really missing his dad.

thanks x

Blueuggboots Wed 30-Apr-14 04:40:05

I've had the same problem. My DS hasn't seen or heard from his daddy since February. No calls, no skype, no visits, NOTHING.
My DS tells me he misses his daddy to and I've just told him that daddy is busy. I've not told him he's not coming back but I've not told him he is either. I just try and distract him....thanks

Sunflowersmiling Wed 30-Apr-14 04:51:06

Hi thanks for replying. Its heartbreaking isnt it. How can I child make sense of the uncertainty? Its hard enough for us adults.

Sendimg hugs to you both x

I use distraction a lot, and sometimes ask ds how hes feeling then say 'its ok to be sad and miss daddy'. I think im over compensating with the cuddles though!

In last month hes only had 1 hour with his daddy and thats when ive taken him back there early on out of desperation for husband to see his child (which was a nightmare from moment stepped in the door), 4 weekends of broken promises and phone calls mostly after ds gone bed.

(Sighs)

Hugs

Hairylegs47 Wed 30-Apr-14 05:07:43

Mandy and Blue,
Some guys think cutting all contact and allowing you to move on is what's best for everyone, but in reality it's what's best for them.
My DC father told me this, it was for the best for the children, but that is a load of crap he told himself to absolve the twunt of his guilt and responsibility. Just stay positive, show your children that you really love them - no matter what you tell them, after a while they can see what a fine specimen their fathers are, they'll still feel hurt, but they'll know you tried to protect them because you love them. I only had to explain the reality to my DD about her father when she was 12 - in her head he was staying away because I had given her excuses why her father didn't come - he was working away, was looking after his mum etc. I even gave her little gifts 'from him' for her birthdays. She was more gutted I'd done that than him dropping off the face of the earth.

Stay strong ladies, thanks thanks for you both. I will get better I promise.

Hairylegs47 Wed 30-Apr-14 05:08:57

Sunflower thanks for you too.

Sunflowersmiling Wed 30-Apr-14 07:08:54

Thank you. He is makimg a choice, (although that was a hard realisation for me to acknowledge), its best for him in that he doesn't have to be involved in the 'mundane' jobs...but thats where the beauty in life is isnt it? Thats where you get those little memories.... of the big hug when I pick him up from nursery, the cheeky smile as hes trying to trick me into eating some choclate, the reassurance when he bumps himself...thats the bit that reminds me how lucky I am to have ds.

I just didn't see this coming. Noone in my family did. And surely he cant think its best for him to hurt the little boy he loves? Its all crazy.

Thanks I am trying to stay positive. The way ive been treated by his immediate family and more recently husband just makes me so happy im not living with them anymore.

Hugs to all xx

Sunflowersmiling Wed 30-Apr-14 07:09:42

Thank you. He is makimg a choice, (although that was a hard realisation for me to acknowledge), its best for him in that he doesn't have to be involved in the 'mundane' jobs...but thats where the beauty in life is isnt it? Thats where you get those little memories.... of the big hug when I pick him up from nursery, the cheeky smile as hes trying to trick me into eating some choclate, the reassurance when he bumps himself...thats the bit that reminds me how lucky I am to have ds.

I just didn't see this coming. Noone in my family did. And surely he cant think its best for him to hurt the little boy he loves? Its all crazy.

Thanks I am trying to stay positive. The way ive been treated by his immediate family and more recently husband just makes me so happy im not living with them anymore.

Hugs to all xx

Lioninthesun Wed 30-Apr-14 09:12:14

Sadly it is seemingly very easy for men to cut off kids. Especially if they feel guilty (has he been cheating on you?) and it happens a lot in these situations. They also do it to provoke your emotions so that they can call you mental/unbalanced etc, when you call them on it. Most of us on the Lone Parent's threads have made the 'mistake' of getting emotional and they LOVE this as it gives them a reason to detach when they had no intention of trying to make it work regardless (sometimes another woman waiting in the wings or simply fear of responsibility that having a family entails). If you can, ignore him right back, but get CSA in place as he will more than likely decide to erase all memory of the fact his child may need financial support...

Lioninthesun Wed 30-Apr-14 09:14:36

Some guys think cutting all contact and allowing you to move on is what's best for everyone, but in reality it's what's best for them. AND THIS!
Isn't it funny how they then get the carefree life and you get all of the hard work and no support from them? It's soooo helpful! The child obviously loves it too, having an absent parent and all that hmm

cestlavielife Wed 30-Apr-14 11:04:46

not much you can do other than support ds and distract.
I don't know where daddy is but I think he might be ill.
etc

but please do go to your gp and get some support to help you thru this eg nhs counsellor get your six free sessions. a good counsellor can really help you discuss strategies to deal with this for you and for ds. . also ask about play therapy available locally - even if you don't need it now it might be really helpful for ds at some point.

as it's like a bereavement for him and you. for you the loss of your marriage etc. for ds he has lost his dad. don't underestimate it. get some professional input.

Lion is right here too.... I made the mistake of trying to think I could change ex's attitude/ approach and it got me an a tizz and just pushed him further back.

Leave him to do what he wants - wait for him to come too. In the mean time speak to CSA (or whatever its called now) a solicitor for legal advice about access to your home and your things, and ignore the rest.

In my case ex came round a bit once I started to back off. He still isn't 'involved' as it were, but we do have an every other weekend visit arrangement.

Also - as for your son, distract as much as possible, but also don't be too afraid of being honest. I dont know, and I've not spoken to him are good answers in themselves.

starlight1234 Wed 30-Apr-14 12:13:34

It is horrible and shocking...It is very hard to understand why any parent would not be interested in their child...Sadly you cannot make him care or want to be involved..

However you explain it to your Ds bear in mind if he doesn't get in touch it has to fit with what you said if you know what I mean..I have told my DS I don't know but he has to get in touch to arrange to see you...

Blueuggboots Wed 30-Apr-14 19:22:06

I've been wondering if he's going to contact my DS but I reread some messages from him today....

^I have considered the implications for him but i cant put my life on hold!
Ive completed the divorce petition and just need to complete the statement for children before i serve them!
I will make time for him i just wont be around all the time thats all smile^

If im gona be honest it hurts me that we arnt a family any more and theres no point in having a relationship with him cos it will hurt more when i go! sad
(Emigrating)

So I think I just have to accept he's not going to be part of my son's life.
It's shit for my son but then looking back, he was never really that bothered when we were together, having labelled him "destructive and naughty" when he's neither!!

Sunflowersmiling Wed 30-Apr-14 19:28:06

Thank you everyone xx hugs xx

Hes already said im mentally unbalanced! Since then ive been very careful not to react...its hard though.

Im certain he wasnt cheating. If he was at least I could get my head around this.

I will look into support for ds x good idea.

Ive been given temporary increase in hours at work for one month...that will really help :-)
I have tax credits form half filled out too.

Giantpurplepeopleeater (what a great name do you eat ex-in-laws?!) Yes I am stepping back like you suggested, because whether I phone or not he ignores us.

Ivd been thinking of saying to ds that daddys busy at the moment and he loves and is thinking of ds.

Hugs all xx

Sunflowersmiling Wed 30-Apr-14 19:35:51

Oh blueuggboots how selfish is your ex :-( what does 'cant put my life on hold' mean? Unbelievable how arrogant some people can be.

Sending you a really big hug x

starlight1234 Wed 30-Apr-14 20:51:18

what a knob head..

Just think carefully what you say to DS..If you tell him daddy loves you and is thinking of him, it can confuse children more ..I have never slagged Ex off to my DS but never made him out to be a hero either..

I also think with my DS..one day he will probably want to be a Dad too..I do not want him to think this is an acceptable way to behave towards their child

Sunflowersmiling Wed 30-Apr-14 21:40:44

No true, I know ds is finding the change hard and up until recently it was just that daddys working long hours and will see him soon. I dont want ds to blame himself or feel unlovable. His daddy has been his hero for last three years. Now hes vanished and im lost to know what the right approach is.

There are some good male role models in my family and friends so hopefully ds will learn from them.

Your right though about confusion and hero worship...I hadnt thought about that.

hugs

Lioninthesun Wed 30-Apr-14 21:51:42

I have had to deal with this recently and agree with starlight - I recently realised that telling DD that her daddy loves her wasn't helping anyone. Instead it was telling her it is OK for someone to say they love you but never acknowledge you or show it in any way. I don't want her to think that is what a male role is in any shape or form.
You'll both be fine. I think they go through phases of asking all of the time and then not at all!

starlight1234 Wed 30-Apr-14 22:14:19

I have had years to think about this stuff...My Ds stopped seeing his Dad at 3 he is now 7... He is mostly fine but it is like a revolving door pops up again and again..

I think oh no not again but it his emotions that need supporting not mine.. I would say for my DS it has been like a grieving process and he has gone through all sorts of emotions..

You are still dealing with your own raw emotions as well as your DS's ... I found as soon as I stopped trying to make him be the father my DS deserved I was better able to deal with my son's emotions... Everytime he was rejected by his Dad it was like someone stabbed me in the heart.

Another point...Kids need more and more stuff...Make sure you are getting maintenance contact and access are not linked he is responsible to pay for his child whether he sees her or not and get whatever stuff you can from the house... You may need CAB or someone for advise on how to do this as you have no key but you need every penny you can...

Sunflowersmiling Thu 01-May-14 06:47:02

I dont think ive really accepted it yet ...it just doesn't seem real. I feel shocked and confused by his sudden change, and ive been trying to justify it and make excuses fot him. I keep thinking hes just angry and will think more clearly in time when hes realised what hes done to ds. Im finding it hard to believe he could pretend to love us for so long then just cut us off.

He said he will pay going rate of maintenance last time we spoke. I can get tax credits which will be massive help just need to get form in and get documents from husbands house.

The more I think about it the more I realise ive been trying too hard for too long with a man who never compromised. But because he was so easy going and laid back we never came to any serious level of conflict. I just always fitted in around his life n his needs.

Ds has stopped asking about husband. But his eyes well up when someone says 'oh theres my daddy' or 'my daddy said...'

I wont keep saying that daddy loves him, any thoughts on what to say instead when he asks?

Ive said hes lovable, everyone loves him...then reeling off names of people who are there for him.

Im going to try n talk to him tonight.

Thanks all xx hugs

meandcoffeeequalhappy Thu 01-May-14 06:52:55

My DC have had their dad flit in and out very sporadically for 2 years now, and for them this is now normality. So you son may not be as affected as you think. I think some men are just able to have not bonded with their DC, and can compartmentalise/justify this really poor behaviour. (FWIW it will be all your fault.) What you tell your son - you need to be careful not to let your upset and emotions come through, just be neutral and don't say anything bad/make promises. Dad's busy. I would think about moving closer to your family and support, so your son has more people around him, if this is feasible.

meandcoffeeequalhappy Thu 01-May-14 06:55:44

Oh instead of saying daddy loves him, tell him the truth - 'I love you, just the way you are!' You can't speak for others, but you can tell him how you feel. You will become the absolute centre of his world now, and can make a huge difference. Take him to see close friends/family regularly so he knows there is a village out there that love him.

starlight1234 Thu 01-May-14 09:47:08

I agree with meandcoffeeequalhappy don't need to say he loves you and he doesn't love you...We don't say Grandma loves you that is for grandma to say..

I did tell my Ds it wasn't his fault/ it wasn't anything her did till the point he rolled his eyes and said yes mum I know it isn't my fault..

I think field questions as they come but at 3 don't make more of it than necessary for him if you know what I mean...Don't bring Dad up if he isn't in his mind.

Your emotions will be all over the place..Get Tax credits forms in asap as they don't back date things.

Sunflowersmiling Thu 01-May-14 17:43:51

Thanks all xx love that suggestion...'i love you just the way you are' :-)

MatureUniStudentGraduated Fri 02-May-14 16:35:41

Oh my sympathies to you OP and your little DC. I used to drive myself mad, crying, I think it was akin to grief, how could he not see his beautiful children, how could he be so cruel to them. But he could, because he told them "he deserved a life". So that was that and five years on, he still forgets to drop a card through the door for their birthdays, no easter eggs for Easter, again.

And I think, because we are such a tight unit, oh its ok. But Easter this year was hell, because the children get wound up, "will he leave us an easter card, will he drop of easter eggs?", as I think ANY contact, however small, they want. Because its cut them to pieces to be so utterly and completely rejected by the other person they love the best in the world - their Father.

No solution I am afraid. Its so harsh and so utterly unfair.

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